Morning friend,
We just celebrated Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday. But I’ve been stuck pondering Saturday. The day between the horror and the hope. The day for the silent pause of not knowing yet still waiting. The “not yet” space we all hate to be in.
I wonder if most of life feels like Saturday. The not yet space. The I don’t know what’s going on kind of space in our life story. The Saturday after Jesus’ death, his followers did not anticipate resurrection Sunday. Most lost hope. They went home believing the grand story was over. But the real story was not over, it was just beginning.
Lord, help us live in the “not yet” of our story no matter what Saturday feels like. Help us trust our story is not over when we are stuck in the confusion and doubt of Saturday…..and that we believe…… Sunday is coming.
Today’s Question: Currently, I am separated from my husband. I left about nine months ago after years of criticism, harsh words, shaming, and threats. The threats included threatening to separate bank accounts over petty things. (He is in a MUCH higher salary bracket than I am!) He would tell me that I needed to find a place to live, and that he would just live single and celibate until I inevitably had an affair. Mind you, I have given him no reason to think that. I have been a faithful wife. Now, that I’ve separated from him, he’s telling people that I’ve abandoned the marriage and that he thinks I’m an unbeliever because he sees no godly sorrow in me for the things I’ve done.
I’ve tried for years to get help. I suggested counseling (individual and couples) and his response was always, “I don’t need help. You’re the one with the problem.” After separating, he started to receive individual counseling because our church leadership required it of both of us to try to help us reconcile and, in the hopes that we would get marriage counseling eventually. My church (he has since left that church) has been a huge support for me. I’m so very grateful! After 6 months of individual counseling and living separate, we talked about setting up marriage counseling. I booked 6 months’ worth of counseling with a counselor that is pretty hard to get into, so I booked way in advance. Days before our first appointment, we had a hard conversation. My son (his stepson) told me that he no longer wanted a relationship with my husband, his stepdad, and that he would never live with him again because of the damage (mental and emotional) that was done to all of us in our home. When I said my son didn’t want to live in the same house with him, he very simply said, “That’s fine. He can live with his dad.” Like that was such a simple solution. He asked where that put us in our reconciliation. I gave him the most honest answer I could, at that moment. I said, “I don’t know.”
How do I abandon my teenage son after living in such a toxic home for so long, who is hurting and angry? He promptly ended the conversation by saying, “That’s all I needed to hear. You clearly are choosing him over me.” He refused to talk to me about it any further. After that, I threw my hands up and realized we were done. I also realized how relieved I was at the thought of that. I didn’t have to walk on eggshells anymore and try to balance him, my kids, and extended my family. I Didn’t Have To Make Any More Excuses.
The thought relieved me but also grieved me. Quite the conundrum. A few weeks passed and he asked me how I felt about getting marriage counseling. WHAT?? I was so confused. I had already canceled all our appts because I thought we were done. That’s the message I kept getting from him, and I had come to terms with it. After a lot of prayer and seeking the Lord, God told me to wait. He gave me the same verse Isaiah 40:31 THREE times in 24 hours from three different avenues. I knew that was a direct message from the Lord. After praying about that, not knowing how long to wait or even what I’m waiting for, specifically, God took me to Isaiah 43:18-19 two times through two different people who had no idea what I had been praying about. I’m committing myself to 100% truth. When my husband asked me yesterday if I was willing to get counseling, I told him, “I don’t want to.” He responded with that he had an appt with a lawyer next week. He then began to tell me he was sorry but began to point out all of the things that I had done before and during our separation that contributed to where we are. He told me, “By refusing to get counseling, you realize that we’re done?”
I’m scared to sit in a counselor’s office with him because of how manipulative he is. I’m always made to be the problem. Sure, he’ll own up to his harsh tone every now and then, but the heart of the matter is never addressed. I just shut down and don’t know what to say. I’m scared to put myself in that situation again…and I don’t want to. Is that wrong?
Why do I feel guilty about telling him I don’t want to work on it? Do I tell him what I feel the Lord is saying about waiting? He’s already told me he’s not doing this for another year and has given me deadlines/ultimatums on answers to his questions. I feel like I have exhausted my efforts, and I have nothing left to give, but the guilt of it officially being over creeps in. We have a daughter together and it breaks my heart that she will grow up bouncing between two homes. I never wanted that for her, but I also realize that she will probably have a better, healthier mom if he’s not in my life. I know leaving was the right thing. I truly believe that God rescued me from my toxic home. Why do I feel guilty?
Answer: Thank you for sharing so many details. You’ve been through so much. I’m sorry for all your pain. Feeling guilty is so common among us. And it’s wise to ask yourself “Why do I feel so guilty?” Yet in your statement before your question, you declare: “I truly believe that God rescued me from my toxic home.” Since you believe God rescued you from this toxic environment, where do you think the guilt feeling comes from?
We all have an internal compass (conscience) given to us by God so we know right from wrong. We feel guilt when we violate God’s law. This is how God intended, so that we notice when we do wrong, stop, confess, correct our mistake, and make amends where possible. Yet our internal compass often gets hijacked or programmed incorrectly so that we feel guilty not because we are violating God’s law but someone else’s law.
I liken guilt to a smoke alarm. It alerts you that you have a problem – perhaps a serious one that you need to investigate. What is this guilt (alarm) telling me? Is there a fire? Am I in danger? Or is it just blowing smoke coming from my toaster?
Working with thousands of people over the past 30 years of counseling and coaching, I’ve seen women feel guilty not because of violating God’s laws but rather some other person’s rules they’ve accepted as “truth”. For example, when you believe your mother’s rule or husband’s law, “You should never disappointment me.” When you do, (which of course you will), then you will feel guilty, bad/wrong. You shouldn’t have disappointed them. You broke their “law”.
Or maybe you believe “I should be perfect”. And when you mess up, fail, or forget, or didn’t know something ahead of time that you should have known, you feel guilty because you’ve violated your own “rule” you should be perfect.
You already indicated that your husband has more than a few “laws/rules” on how you should be as a wife. Here are a few I picked up on from what you wrote: You should choose him over your son. You should do as he says. You should put him, his needs, and feelings first. You shouldn’t disagree. You shouldn’t have your own mind. You shouldn’t complain when you don’t like something. You shouldn’t be honest if it might be different than what he wants to hear. You shouldn’t protest.
The operative word in figuring out where guilt is coming from is the word “should”. The next question to ask yourself is whose should or should nots are you violating? God’s? Yours? Someone else’s? Figuring that out may help you get to the reason “why” you feel guilty. In addition, recognize that the Bible warns us that we have an enemy of our soul, (Satan) who accuses us and lies to us (Romans 12:10, John 8:44). He wants us to feel guilty even after Jesus has forgiven us.
I’m curious. Are you able to exchange the word guilty for sad? Yes, you do feel sad that the marriage feels irreparable because your husband is not willing to value you as an equal partner. Yes, you are sad (not bad, or wrong) that you have spoken some hard truth with him. Yes, you are sad that your daughter will not be able to live in a two-parent home where there is safety, love and trust. Sadness, disappointment, and hurt feels closer to the truth. Guilt may not be the right word. You aren’t doing anything sinful by being non-compliant to your husband’s selfish demands. From what you’ve indicated, there’s a long history of his way or the highway with little empathy for the pain he’s caused you and your son. You can be sad. You can have compassion for his blindness and lack of self-awareness. You can love him and pray for his maturity and growth. But don’t feel guilty because you are unable to safely live with him or even have a constructive conversation together.
Friend, what ways do you help yourself figure out whether your guilt is from the Holy Spirit or from your internal or external “shoulds”?
