4 Real-Life Stories and Their Life-Changing Lessons

As a sex writer, I know a thing or two about making it work in the bedroom. Nevertheless, my expertise in the subject doesn’t mean I haven’t had my fair share of bad sexual experiences. After all, no amount of knowledge can guard you against poor sexual chemistry or general awkwardness as you try to figure out a new partner’s body.

“What makes sex ‘bad’ often boils down to a lack of genuine connection, mismatched desires, or feeling rushed and pressured,” says Shan Boodram, an AASECT-certified sex educator and Chief Intimacy Officer at Arya. It can also stem from not being invested in the moment, turning what should be a shared experience into a perfunctory act, and ignoring aftercare, Boodram adds. 

Sex that doesn’t last long, doesn’t include enough arousal-building, and is coerced or even forced can also lead to a bad sexual experience, explains Carol Queen, PhD, Good Vibes’ in-house sexologist. There’s also the element of going into sex assuming you know what a partner likes rather than asking them about their kinks and turn-ons, says Babeland’s resident sex educator Lisa Finn. “Not everyone will like the same type of touch or stimulation, not everything that works for one partner may work for the next.” 

With that said, ahead four singles share some common bedroom problems and how they were able to work through them—or how they’re now figuring out ways to achieve more pleasurable sex. Plus, keep reading for expert tips on communicating better in the bedroom. 

Lack of Emotional Intimacy

Once Brynn, 27, worked up the courage to put herself out there as a bigger woman and start being intimate with men, she quickly discovered that she couldn’t get there physically with a potential partner without establishing a mental connection. “Having very open communication, to me, is not only necessary but also part of building sexual chemistry with someone,” she says. 

Despite having personal chemistry, good communication, and a similar sense of humor, she got the ick after seeing a different side of him the first time she visited his apartment. “I feel like he had done everything he needed to do to court me properly on our dates and get me to feel comfortable, but the switch up once I was actually with him in his apartment to jump right into sex was so jarring that it completely took me out of it mentally and physically,” she says. 

As the couple was getting cuddly, Brynn not only felt uncomfortable, but slightly fetishized for her body type per his advances. “It was like he was finally cashing in on what he was investing in leading up to this moment. And after I was thrown out of that, there was no way for me to connect to the moment regardless of physical attraction.” 

After that experience, their dynamic completely shifted and after a conversation over the phone a few days after the encounter, the pair mutually decided to stop dating. To this day, Brynn has not been as intimate with anyone else. She finds it hard to get there physically when “we live in an era where everyone is afraid of the mental aspect of building a relationship with someone, even if it doesn’t lead to full-blown commitment, because of the vulnerability that it takes,” she says.

Dispassionate Sex

In her own sex life, Léa, 26, has found that certain partners lack passion and care for her pleasure. “Their main goal is just finishing,” she says. She became so bogged down from the lack of passion she was getting from her sexual partners, that one day she decided to finally voice her concern. “I told them I don’t enjoy having sex with someone who’s not passionate,” she says. The lack of foreplay and passion makes the sex feel one-sided and only pleasurable for them, she adds.

While Léa understands that at times a level of emotional closeness has to be there for sex to be passionate, she’s adamant that some level of passion can exist even between casual partners if there’s respect and a willingness from both sides to prioritize the other’s pleasure. “He was saying, ‘I’m more passionate when it comes to someone who I’m seriously dating,’” she says. After that conversation, Léa saw this partner one more time. During their hookup, he tried to be more passionate, but ultimately it felt forced, she says. 

In the end, Léa decided to take a step back from that relationship and stopped seeing this partner as he wasn’t giving her the sex that she wanted. “There clearly wasn’t enough sexual chemistry between us or intimacy,” she says. “If there’s no passion there, then maybe there aren’t any feelings and maybe that’s a sign it’s not right between us.”

Waning Libido

When Paul, 60, and his previous wife had reached a sexual plateau six years into their marriage, they tried everything in their toolkit to try to remedy their bedroom problem. “We’d done all the positions in all the places, but that initial magic was just wearing off over time,” he says. According to research, marital satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, and frequency of sex naturally wane after the first five years of marriage, but may be exacerbated by issues concerning sex and libido.

One day, while stumbling across an advertisement for a tantra workshop, they felt a spark of curiosity. After trying everything to bring back that initial sexual chemistry of the honeymoon phase, they both agreed that the workshop was something worth exploring.

Although Paul and his former wife divorced a decade later—unrelated to their sexual dilemma—the tantra workshop was life-changing for their sex life. It was so promising that the couple invested in a video training series on tantra afterward. “We made time to practice each week, stretching our earlier ideas of what sex was about, and finding delight in the exploration,” he says. Exploring tantric sex allowed the couple to explore new directions for experiencing connection and pleasure. 

Out of all the skills Paul and his previous wife gained, one lesson struck Paul the most: actually scheduling time for sex, “because otherwise there will always be something that gets in the way and then one party is typically interested and the other not.” It also gave the pair something to look forward to each week. Counting down the days until their next rendezvous made the actual sex even more pleasurable and tantalizing. 

Undiagnosed Vaginismus

Sofie, 29, didn’t have sex for the first time until she was 26, and she recounts the experience, and penetration specifically, being very painful. “I had no idea [if] I was going to be able to have intercourse with them,” she says. “It was very traumatic for me, not going to lie. Ever since then, I have only tried to have intercourse with two other people, and the exact same thing happened. I just realized, ‘This is not good, I have to see a doctor.’”

Recently, after a 10-month wait, Sofie had an appointment with a gynecologist to try to get some answers. She was diagnosed with potential vulvar vestibulitis, a form of vulvodynia that consists of severe pain on the vulva following attempted vaginal entry as well as vaginismus, which is possibly linked to her PCOS diagnosis. Her vulvodynia and vaginismus were categorized as level four in terms of pain level, making any form of penetrative sex extremely painful. 

Sofie says that in the age of hookups and situationships, it’s been difficult to find partners who are willing to work through her sexual dysfunction with her, either by being open about communication or finding alternative ways to engage in sex that don’t involve penetration. “I feel like I’m setting myself up for failure because no man has heard of this issue—I’m a woman and I hadn’t heard of it—and if we’re not dating then why would they stick around?”

Sofie hasn’t yet found a solution for navigating her vulvodynia and vaginismus, especially considering how new the diagnosis is; but, in general, she wishes sexual dysfunction, especially amongst women, was more prevalent in conversations around sex. “I’m not a part of the conversation when it comes to people who are sexually intimate and sexually active,” she says. “I have nothing to bring to the conversation because I’m not a part of it, and I’m literally forced to not be a part of it because my body is preventing me from it happening.” 

Why Bedroom Problems Are Difficult to Talk About

While researching for this article, I found it difficult to find people willing to talk to me about their sexual dilemmas. For a few of the people I spoke to, this was the first time they were sharing about their intimacy issues so openly. The truth is, for most people, bedroom problems are not easy to talk about. Despite steps toward sexual liberation, we still live in a conservative society where talking about sex is taboo, and even looked down upon.

“Growing up, very few people had healthy conversations about sex modeled from them,” says Balestrieri. “Not only are we not taught how to have these conversations, but society actively discourages them through taboos, social censorship, religion, and family dynamics,” adds Boodram. On top of that, “sexual intimacy is deeply personal and often tied to vulnerability, identity, and self-esteem,” says Balestrieri. 

All of these factors make talking about sex openly feel risky. Discussing sex with a sexual partner, especially, can be terrifying because there’s often a fear of rejection, judgment, or hurting the other person’s feelings, Balestrieri admits. Nevertheless, Balestrieri reassures that talking about sex is like building muscle. “The more you do it, the stronger and more comfortable it becomes.” 

If you’re stumped on where to even begin the conversation with your partner, our experts share some tried-and-true communication tips, so you can start having better sex, in the next section. 

How to Communicate Better in the Bedroom

Before things get so challenging that you’re running to a sex-positive couples therapist’s office (although, that is a great option), try a few of these expert-approved tips for communicating better in the bedroom: 

Do Your Own Research First

If you, like many people, had a terrible sex ed experience, then it won’t hurt to add to your knowledge base, says Queen. There are tons of books, videos, and sex educators online sharing their valuable sexpertise, so take advantage of the great information that’s out there and start exploring on your own. Queen recommends Good Vibes’ “The Sex & Pleasure Book,” and anything by famed American sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski. 

After every piece of content you consume, take the time to write about what you’ve learned and reframe those lessons to apply them to your own experiences, Boodram advises. That’s called “meaningful learning, which is essential for becoming a skilled communicator.”

Think About What You Want to Say

Before having the conversation with your partner, first consider what it is that you’re trying to communicate. Why are you feeling unsatisfied? Is the issue how frequently you’re having sex? Is it a lack of arousal or adequate foreplay? Are you missing that spark of sexual chemistry? Is it that you’re not able to finish? “Knowing what isn’t working for you is the best way to come up with some solutions to present,” says Finn. 

Talk About Sex Outside of the Bedroom

It might sound counterintuitive, but trust you’re going to want to have the sex convo with your partner with your clothes on. Talking about sex outside of the room where it happens allows you to have an open conversation about desires, boundaries, and fantasies in a neutral, low-pressure setting, says Balestrieri.

It also takes pressure off to figure things out right in that moment and builds trust. “When we’re in the heat of the moment, many of us tend to focus less on the conversation and feel like we need to rush through the talk to get to the action,” says Finn. This “can lead us to miss key points or not delve in as deep as we need to in order to make a real change.”

You might even consider scheduling time to have this conversation as you would pencil in a work meeting on your calendar, Queen advises. 

Make Feedback a Regular Activity

Sexual needs and preferences are ever-evolving, so making feedback a regular part of your aftercare routine can allow for a collaborative debrief, says Balestrieri. “Discussing what you liked and want more of, or what didn’t work as well, after each sexual experience builds trust, connection, and creates a climate where feedback is welcome and expected,” she says.

You might say something like: “I really loved when you fingered me while simultaneously sucking my nipples. Can we try more of that?”

Incorporate Playfulness

“Sex is adult play, and imagination should remain a key part of your intimacy,” says Boodram. Whether it’s through detailing your wildest sexual fantasy or playfully teasing your partner about all of the things you’re going to do to them during your next meeting via a steamy sext sesh, “keeping things light and creative can make communication feel less intimidating and more exciting,” Boodram affirms.

Try a Yes/No/Maybe List

A yes/no/maybe list is essentially a list that you and your partner can fill out independently, marking various types of sexual play, toys, and kinks under these three categories (yes, maybe, no), says Finn. It’s a helpful tool for comparing what kind of play sparks mutual interest and which you can explore further. 

Many times folks experiencing “bad sex” are just feeling stuck in a rut or routine, or even feeling bored by the type of sex they’re having, Finn says. “When sex becomes completely predictable, sometimes our bodies don’t respond the same way after a while, even if that technique or type of sex used to do it for you every time.” So, this is one way to spice up your sex life and introduce new techniques so you can get your groove back. 

Keep in Mind

While some intimacy issues are more niche (think: any experience from “Sex Sent Me to the ER”), most likely you will experience one of the most common bedroom problems at least once in your life. Nevertheless, having a bad sexual experience doesn’t have to be a make-or-break moment. Rather, see it as a learning opportunity that can allow you to explore what does feel good and grow close with your partner(s) through open dialogue, advises Dr. Kate Balestrieri, CST, a certified sex therapist and author of “What Happened to My Sex Life?: A Sex Therapist’s Guide to Reclaiming Lost Desire, Connection, and Pleasure.” 

Sometimes having an open conversation about sex can reveal that a partner doesn’t feel as much respect and desire for our pleasure as we might wish, says Queen. “If you learn that a partner does not care about your pleasure, that should be information to take seriously.” It could be a sign of an unhealthy relationship, she adds. 

We all deserve to have pleasurable sex, and if a partner isn’t willing to work together to help both people achieve sexual bliss, then that says more about them than your own desirability. Kindly say, “thank u, next” and find a partner who is equally invested in your pleasure. 

*Name has been changed to protect privacy.