10 Conversations You Should and Shouldn’t Have Over Text

When your phone rings, is your first instinct panic and the urge to throw it across the room? When I hear my ringtone, I assume it’s either spam or something terrible has happened. Texting replaced calling as the norm ages ago, and now talking on the phone is a lot less common. However, texting certainly isn’t the right choice for every situation.

The younger you are, the better the chances that you rely on texting. “A lot has changed over the generations and today, people are relying on texting more than ever. This has become such a norm that some people feel alarmed or surprised when they receive a call from somebody,” says Gabrielle (Morse) Sanderson, LMHC.

With at least half the Gen Z population dealing with anxiety, it makes sense that phone calls are a stressor to be avoided. But they do have their place, and it’s important to know what to do in any given situation—especially when you consider that texting can lead to inattention when it’s a long-term habit. Let’s look at what situations texting is suited for, when to pick up the phone, and how to tell the difference.

Why Texting Isn’t Always the Right Move

On the whole, texting is best suited for lighter emotional situations rather than heavier ones. “Texting is helpful for logistics, quick check-ins, and giving someone space to process before a heavier conversation,” says Evon Inyang, LAMFT founder of ForwardUs Counseling. She also notes that it functions as a liaison to those heavier convos. “A simple “Thinking of you” or “Can we talk later tonight?” can open the door to a conversation without demanding immediate vulnerability,” she explains, adding that, “for some people, especially those who become emotionally overwhelmed quickly, texting can be a first step into difficult conversations that feel too heavy to have face-to-face.”

Texting is just words, with no vocal inflection, and that can cause misunderstandings. “A person’s tone is everything, and getting it wrong over text is so easy to do. Even neutral statements can feel cold or dismissive without tone of voice, body language, or facial expression,” says Inyang. Sanderson agrees, stating that “tone and emotion get stripped away over text,” and “without these cues, it’s even easier to misinterpret texts based on our own biases.” In turn, “possible consequences are miscommunications, hurt feelings, confusion, lack of clarity, and when it comes to important conversations—a missed opportunity to connect on a deeper and more effective level,” she says.

You can do your best to imbue your texting with emotion, but it isn’t a fail safe. “Over text, tone is conveyed through words, emojis, and punctuation. Because it’s easy to misread tone over text, proper etiquette is usually to try to convey your tone as much as you can,” says Sanderson.  

This can lead to anything from hurt feelings to full arguments. “I’ve seen couples spiral into multi-day arguments over a single word or punctuation mark,” says Inyang. “I’ve also seen texts weaponized, used to delay, withdraw, or drop emotional bombs without having to witness the impact of it all,” she adds, explaining that “texting serious things can feel more manageable at the moment, but it can also further widen disconnection,” because “it’s a way to say something without being there and not having to face the consequences, and that absence is felt.”

Topics Texting is Suited For

Before getting into the best topics to text about, it’s worth noting that for some of us, such as anxious Gen Z-ers, texting does have some great benefits even if it doesn’t fit every subject.

As an autistic person, I’d much, much rather hash anything out in writing than in person or on the phone, and I’ve found that for those I’m close to, this method also works for them and we get through issues better than we would in a real-time convo. “For people with heightened nervous systems, including autistic individuals or those with sensory sensitivities, texting can provide a sense of safety and control, allowing them to process communication at their own pace,” says Inyang.

That said, for the bulk of the population you’ll want to relegate texting only to lighter subjects.

Texting also works when you need to take a pause from a difficult conversation. “It can regulate conflict in the moment, giving people space when they’re dysregulated, or offering an entry point to a hard topic that feels too overwhelming to talk about out loud,” Inyang explains.

She tells us that “I’ve supported couples through sending texts like, “I want to talk, but I need time,” or “I love you, but we need to reset.” That’s because “a well-crafted and thought-out text can soften defensiveness and prevent escalation. The key is knowing and deciphering when it’s a bridge and when it’s a barrier.”

When It’s Worth a Phone Call

If it’s going to be a big deal, you’ll want to consider picking up the phone. “Phone calls are more appropriate than text when we need to create room for nuances, sensitive matters, details, and emotional intimacy,” says Sanderson. She adds that “it is more helpful to work through conflicts in person or on the phone to lessen the chances of miscommunications,” because “hearing somebody’s voice and having their undivided attention can help create…and deepen connection.”

Texting any of the above topics also makes sense when it’s the simplest for logistics. Sometimes you’re in a crowded place and can’t hear, and sometimes you only have a moment between appointments. Because texting takes less time, it works for quick outreach that doesn’t necessitate an immediate response.

Still unsure about how to tell the difference? Inyang suggests you “think of conversations that need tone, nuance, and presence. The voice has the power to carry warmth, hesitation, and sincerity. You can’t hear someone’s breath catch in a text and it’s even more difficult to respond to their silence.” To decide, she uses this rule: “If the conversation holds the potential to hurt or heal, pick up the phone or better yet, sit down face-to-face.”

Tips for Effective Texting

If you’ve ever felt your stomach drop upon receiving an “ok.” text, you know that there are, indeed, rules to texting to make others feel seen and respected. “Good texting etiquette means being mindful,” says Inyang.

In text, you want to find the balance between short and effusive. “Don’t be too short (i.e. responding with one-word answers), concise is usually most helpful,” suggests Sanderson .Inyang adds, “Don’t text in paragraphs when emotions are high. Keep it short and clear.”

Emojis play an important role in texting for many, so it’s important to use them appropriately. “Emojis can be used to soften or clarify tone, but not to avoid discomfort. I think a well-placed “🙃” can turn a hard truth into a more subtle one,” says Inyang.

Remember that text has no tone, so people often can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or making a joke; if there’s any room for interpretive error, skip it entirely.

How to Know When to Pick up the Phone

A conversation may begin ok in text, but then hit a point where it’s call worthy. How to tell?

If things get out of control length-wise, Sanderson recommends calling: “If you are telling a story or it’s becoming highly detailed, pick up the phone. If the text conversation is becoming lengthy, confusing, frustrating, or unclear, pick up the phone.”

Inyang says to pay attention to how you’re responding to the text convo. “The moment you feel misunderstood, defensive, or tense, it’s time to switch the mode of communication,” she suggests. “If you’re rereading the exact text five times, trying to figure out what they meant, it’s time to call. If your body feels tight or your chest is heavy, it’s time to pick up the phone.” Lastly, “if you care about the relationship and the conversation feels layered; call.”

Keep in Mind

Texting is here to stay, and it has many uses. From quick check ins to life updates, you can stay connected to others without actually talking on the phone. But when a situation is emotional, it’s time for a call. Phone calls are important for situations like conflicts, bad news, and apologies. If you aren’t sure what the right answer is, just ask yourself if the situation feels like an emotional one. If so, it’s worth picking up the phone and using your voice.