I’m Afraid of Being Cheated on—How Do I Deal?

You wake up next to your partner, the person you love and have chosen to build your life with. As you gaze at their wonderful sleeping face, a wave of fear hits. What if they’re cheating on you? Do they find you attractive anymore? Can you trust them? Your chest tightens as your mind begins racing. 

Sure, they’ve never given you any reason to doubt their devotion to you. But what if? Being scared about being cheated on, even in a safe relationship with a loyal partner, can circumvent trust and block deeper intimacy.

If you’re managing this type of anxiety, know that you can overcome it. Here is a guide to understanding where the fear of being cheated on comes from, even in a safe relationship, along with expert insights on how to cope and heal.  

Understanding the Fear of Infidelity

“The fear of infidelity is at an all-time high, as this has now almost become normalized in our current society’s culture and our younger generations [being] less interested in marriage altogether,” says psychotherapist Malka Shaw, LCSW. 

“Betrayal trauma occurs when someone experiences a profound violation of trust in a relationship they relied on for safety and stability, leaving them emotionally unmoored and often hyperaware of potential threats,” she adds. “It can feel like a loss of control, an inability to trust one’s judgment, and a persistent fear that security will always be temporary.”

Infidelity is widespread and unfortunately, happens more often than we would hope. Studies reveal cheating commonly occurs in around 20% of marriages and 70% of romantic relationships. It’s also found to be the most common reason for a breakup, according to research across 160 cultures. Even so, the fear of infidelity doesn’t always originate from former dating experiences or societal trends. 

“This fear is deeper often more than just about this present relationship. It usually stems from more psychological and emotional imprints formed long before adulthood,” Shaw says. Perhaps you grew up in a home where trust was fragile, whether it was from experiencing a loved one’s infidelity or internalizing dysfunctional relationship beliefs from outside influences. This can create unconscious emotional blueprints you carry into adulthood. 

What Causes the Fear of Infidelity? 

Here are a few key factors that contribute to the fear of being cheated on, even when your partner hasn’t given you a reason to doubt them. 

Past Experiences 

If you’ve ever caught a partner in a questionable situation, been cheated on, or watched someone you love heal from betrayal trauma, it can plant an uncontrollable fear that history will repeat itself.

You’ll know by the way the story feels in your body. When you’ve truly put the situation behind you, there’s enough emotional distance for the memory to lose its biting sting. But if the heartbreak still feels fresh and overwhelming, those unprocessed emotions might blur the line between what’s real and what’s not, making it hard to trust what’s right in front of you.

Insecure Attachment Style 

For people with an anxious attachment style, constant rumination and a fear of abandonment can make them seek constant reassurance about their partner’s commitment. On the flip side, avoidant attachment styles tend to be more private and keep certain parts of their lives contained and sealed off from their partner, mainly to nurture their independence.

This can fuel curiosity and allow worst-case scenarios to take hold and run rampant. These attachment patterns perpetuate a cycle of miscommunication and insecurity, making it difficult to address underlying concerns. 

Cultural and Social Influences 

You put on Spotify, and there’s a song about keying an ex’s car for cheating. On TV, your favorite couple unravels upon the discovery of an affair. Meanwhile, your single friends in the group chat vent about how hard dating has become.

“On a broader scale, Hollywood and social media fuel this anxiety by glamorizing affairs, promoting unrealistic relationship standards, and feeding the idea that attraction is fleeting,” Shaw explains. “With any of these elements, it can affect a person’s nervous system.”

Low Self-Esteem

If you don’t feel good enough, it can make it difficult to see all of the amazing things you bring to the table. Over time, this subtle yet misinformed belief can spiral into an irrational fear that you’re replaceable and your partner will realize they can do better than you.

“Constant exposure to these narratives can make even the most secure relationships feel fragile and heighten fears of infidelity and the effects of betrayal trauma,” Shaw says.

Signs Fear of Infidelity Is Affecting Your Relationship

When the fear of infidelity is addressed, it can sabotage the best of intentions. Here are some signs that the fear is impacting you: 

• Pulling away from emotional intimacy out of a fear of being hurt
• Feeling anxious, insecure, upset, and threatened when your partner spends time with other people
• Struggling to fully trust what your partner says or not truly believing in future commitments
• “Testing” their loyalty to see if they’ll pass some test you have in your head 
• Still holding onto painful feelings for what your ex/partner did or the hurt of an old memory
• Feeling overwhelmed, tearful, or terrified at the thought of being betrayed
• Not feeling secure even when your partner consistently shows loyalty
• Revisiting the same fears over and over again in conversations 
• Overanalyzing conversations, body language, and tone for dishonesty
• Feeling like someone better is always going to come along
• Trying to control behaviors or outcomes to feel safe

According to Shaw, when someone has been betrayed before or has attachment issues, the body can start to perceive relationships as a potential threat. This can trigger a fight, flight, or freeze response which often looks like overanalysis, seeking constant reassurance, or pulling back emotionally as a form of self-protection.

“True healing comes from retraining the nervous system, as well as understanding the cognitive patterns that have emerged,” Shaw says.

How to Manage Your Worries

Here are some coping strategies to consider: 

• Focus on the present: Mindfulness, journaling, and reviewing your thoughts can be a helpful exercise. By learning how to stay grounded, you’ll be able to sit through your anxiety without cycling into the past or reacting impulsively. Mindfulness will help you respond more thoughtfully to difficult emotions as they arise and be in the here and now.
• Build self-security: Shaw suggests strengthening emotional resilience by separating past fears from present reality. As you reach out to trusted friends, integrate a self-care routine, and instill new habits into your life, you will feel more secure and fortify a sense of self, independent of your relationship. 
• Connect to self-love. Feelings of inadequacy, worthiness, or placing others on a pedestal speak to low self-esteem. It’s not enough for your partner to love you. You have to love yourself too. The journey of self-love can look like appreciating your unique attributes, being gentle with yourself as you manage messy emotions, cultivating emotional permanence, honoring your boundaries, and accepting yourself completely.
• Be open with your partner: “To help manage these fears, it is essential to talk openly with your partner about how you feel without placing blame. Simply sharing your anxieties can bring you closer together and help you understand what is happening beneath the surface,” says couples therapist Michelle King Rayfield, LMFT. “It is also helpful to explore why you might feel this way—was there past betrayal in a previous relationship, or do you have deeper insecurities you have not addressed yet?”
• Compassionately challenge cognitive distortions: The fear of being cheated on stems from catastrophizing (assuming the worst-case scenario), mind-reading (believing you know what your partner is thinking, feeling, and doing without evidence), or overgeneralizing based on past experiences. Try asking yourself if this is based on feedback or if your anxiety is more rooted in your thoughts or the past. As you detach from distortions, you will feel more receptive to calmness and decrease hypervigilance.
• Limit reassurance-seeking behavior: “The problem is that no amount of reassurance from a partner can fully resolve an internalized fear of betrayal,” Shaw says. “Recognize when old wounds are projected onto a current relationship, and develop personal security so trust isn’t solely dependent on external validation.”
• Strengthen trust in your relationship: As you work to mitigate your fears, it’s important to note that the focus isn’t as much on building external trust with your partner as much as it is about nurturing internal security. Commit to each other, trust in their words, and ultimately, build a window of tolerance for the uncertainty that comes with love. Learning how to let go of fear will create the space for both personal growth and vulnerable connection.
• Reframe and look for gratitude: “Establishing clear boundaries and openly discussing expectations with your partner can build a secure, trusting environment,” Rayfield says. Instead of comparing your partner to old relationships or a story you have in mind, take time to look for the things that make you grateful for your relationship.
• Professional support: “If these fears persist or become overwhelming, reaching out to a therapist or counselor can offer you support and effective strategies for moving forward positively,” Rayfield says. “Remember, you are not alone, and seeking help shows strength and self-awareness, leading you toward healthier relationships.”

When to Re-evaluate the Relationship

A fear of infidelity isn’t spontaneous and random. It’s usually underpinned by unresolved trauma, past hurt, and rumination. Because of that, it’s essential to have a partner who can hold space for your fears and offer unconditional trust as you do the work.

If you have a partner who dismisses your feelings, avoids meaningful conversations, finds your process frustrating, or doesn’t take the time to understand what you’re going through, loyalty isn’t enough. It may be time to re-evaluate whether this relationship can meet your emotional needs during such a potent time. 

On the other hand, if you’re still struggling to move on from the past and find that unresolved issues consistently impact the relationship, it’s also a sign to assess whether you’re truly ready to be in a healthy relationship with someone else. They may be faithful, but your relationship with yourself will inform every relationship in your life. This may be an invitation to be in closer communion with yourself, without having to worry about someone else’s needs. 

“This constant worry can slowly wear away at trust and closeness. It might make you feel emotionally exhausted, lead to misunderstandings, or create unnecessary distance between you and your partner,” Rayfield says. “If you are always suspicious, your partner might feel unfairly judged or misunderstood, which can strain your connection.”

Bottom Line

Healing rarely exists in a straight, linear path. Healing often moves in a spiral, with moments of growth that allow you to sink inward into your understanding of yourself, your beliefs, values, and thoughts. Overcoming the fear of being cheated on, even with a loyal partner, requires patience, self-awareness, trust, and a willingness to rewire thought patterns to align with reality.

By addressing the root causes, communicating with your partner, and nurturing your self-esteem, you can feel safe. Dealing with the fear of betrayal is about learning to tolerate uncomfortable emotions and the inherent risks that come with love. It’s about trusting in your own strength to handle whatever comes your way, and believing that you are resilient enough to put your heart out there for the beauty of love.