Your sociopathic partner picks, picks, picks at you. “You’re a lousy mother and the kids hate you,” he says. “You’re so stupid that you’re lucky you don’t get fired,” she says. The nasty comments keep coming. You’re upset but try not to say anything — until you can’t contain your emotions anymore and you explode. Then the sociopath smiles.
Why do sociopaths intentionally provoke you?
The key to understanding this behavior is knowing what sociopaths truly want in life — power and control. Everything else is secondary.
Social motivation
Dr. Liane Leedom, a psychiatrist and Lovefraud author, believes that the sociopath’s out-of-control drive for dominance is the motivating force behind their behavior.
She explains that human beings have four social drives that are hardwired into our brains. Three are related to romantic love. They are:
- Attachment — the drive to be with special other people
- Sex — the drive for physical pleasure and procreation
- Caregiving — drive to take of the people we love.
All three of these drives are necessary for authentic love, and most people experience them. Sociopaths, however, experience the drives for attachment and sex, but do not experience the drive for caregiving. They don’t really care about other people. They care only for themselves. Therefore, they do not have the ability to authentically love.
The fourth social motivation is for power. This is not necessarily bad — the power motivation makes us want to be a leader, create success, acquire nice possessions and achieve other accomplishments.
Most people want to pursue accomplishments, but don’t want to harm others in the process. Their social drives related to romantic love put the brakes on their power drive.
But sociopaths can’t love. Therefore, they have nothing to slow down their power motivation and it takes over their personalities. The only way they achieve satisfaction is through power and control over other people.
What does the sociopathic desire for power and control mean for you? Well, it depends on the sociopath. It could be annoying, or it could be downright dangerous.
Pulling your strings
Some sociopaths like being the puppet master. They want to pull your strings just to get a reaction out of you.
For example, a sociopath might say he is coming by your house at 5 pm. You’re sitting there waiting. He doesn’t show up — 6 pm, 7 pm, 10 pm.
You’re worried. You’re angry. You finally go to bed.
The next day the sociopath shows up like nothing happened. You’re upset. He acts like it’s no big deal — which infuriates you. And then you see the smile — he caused your reaction, which for him, is fun. It is proof that he has power and control over you.
Sometimes that’s all the sociopath wants — to provoke you for the sheer satisfaction of exerting power and control. But sometimes, the motivation is more nefarious.
Desire to crush you
If you’re married to the sociopath, or you have something that he or she really wants, the motivation may be to crush you so that you can no longer fight.
As an example, this can happen in high-conflict divorces with child custody battles. Typically, sociopaths want custody of the children. It’s not because they love the children, but because they consider the kids to be their property, or they don’t want to pay child support.
Read more: Typical sociopath manipulation strategies that I always hear about
So the sociopath picks, picks, picks. “Why are you asking the kids to do chores? That’s your job.” “Your life is a mess. How can you possibly take care of the kids?” “I should take the kids away permanently. You have no business being a parent.”
Finally, some terrible thing that the sociopath says pushes you over the edge. You lash out and scream — and the sociopath records you. Or you leave a threatening voicemail — and the sociopath puts it into evidence.
The sociopath wants to portray you as insane and out-of-control, and you have just proven it. You’re well on the way to losing.
What do you do?
So once you figure out that you’re dealing with a sociopath who intentionally provokes you, what do you do?
Well, it depends on your circumstances.
If you do not have children with this person and have not yet escaped, I recommend that you keep behaving as usual – even if that means you typically scream at the sociopath.
Why? Because you don’t want to tip off your partner off. If you change your behavior as you’re planning your escape, they will figure out that you’re pulling away. Then they’ll either pour on the charm to get you to stay, or they’ll make matters worse.
But once you are away from the sociopath, you need to learn how to ignore their provocations. This is especially true if you’re dealing with divorce or child custody. You must be able to maintain your cool, no matter what your former partner does or says.
Remember, all they really want is power and control, so sociopaths intentionally provoke you. Exerting power and control gives them satisfaction. That’s why you should not respond to their provocations. If you respond, you reinforce the provocative behavior, which means it continues. Don’t feed the beast.
Lovefraud Skills Training program
This can be really difficult, because you likely have every reason to be upset. So how do you reduce your emotional distress and maintain your equilibrium?
That’s exactly what Dr. Liane Leedom addresses in the Lovefraud program, Skllls training for recovery from narcissistic abuse, gaslighting and toxic stress. It’s the only therapeutic protocol designed specifically for survivors of narcissistic abuse.
Dr. Leedom is a psychiatrist who was herself targeted by a sociopath. She teaches you skills to reduce your emotional distress and cultivate internal balance. The program even includes emergency skills to use when you’re getting close to the edge.
The idea is to prevent yourself from doing something that will make your situation worse. You also learn to take steps every day to restore your health and emotional well-being. It’s a truly wonderful program. I recommend that you check it out. The introductory module is free.
Learn more: FREE! Your first step towards real recovery from narcissistic abuse and trauma
