How To Deal With an Avoidant Friend, According to Experts

Friendships come in all forms. While some of our friends may want to see or speak to us all the time, others may be okay with less contact. There’s no single “right” way to show up in friendships, but the way we do can say a lot about our attachment style,

Within friendships, those with an avoidant attachment style tend to struggle with giving and receiving support. However, these individuals still need close relationships full of love, respect, trust, and emotional intimacy. It’s important to understand avoidant behavior within our friends so that we can navigate these relationships effectively and with patience. Let’s take a look at what to keep in mind. 

Understanding Avoidant Behavior in Friends

According to Trisha Sanders, LCSW, owner of Wholefamily Therapy & Wellness, avoidant tendencies are rooted in our early experiences. “We learned that shutting down was an effective way to stay safe in emotionally threatening situations with our early caregivers,” she says.  

People who go on to develop an avoidant attachment style as adults experienced insecure relationships with the primary figures in their lives. Ciara Bogdanovic, LMFT, the founder and owner of Sagebrush Psychotherapy, says insecurity can manifest in various ways: “significant trauma such as the death of a caregiver, neglect, inconsistency in care, or intense criticism from caregivers.” These early experiences teach the individual that they can’t rely on or trust others, which makes them hyper-independent.  

So, how exactly does an avoidant attachment style manifest within friendships? Marisol Urrutia, LCSW, who runs a private practice in New York City, says, “the avoidant individual may have a harder time attuning to others’ emotional needs, pull away when someone gets too close, and appear less interested in pursuing a friendship.” An avoidantly attached person views dependency on others as weakness and may avoid being vulnerable. 

Avoidant behavior in friends can also show up as:

Not wanting to get too deep: An avoidant friend will have a hard time opening up about their deeper emotions, personal issues, or feelings about things. They might change the subject or set a hard boundary on more intimate subjects. They might even deflect with humor. 

Frequently canceling plans: An avoidant friend will be a lot more likely to cancel plans, oftentimes last minute. This makes them come across as flaky and can make you feel like you’re not a priority in their life. 

Shying away from conflict: Disagreements are bound to happen sometimes, in even the healthiest friendships, but an avoidant person will do everything they can to avoid conflict. If conflict occurs, they will do everything they can to avoid addressing the issue. They might give you the “silent treatment” because they feel so overwhelmed by emotional confrontation. 

Avoiding commitment: For an avoidant friend, the idea of being “locked in” or feeling obligated can trigger their discomfort with emotional attachment or dependency. Thus, they might resist making long-term plans or commitments, whether it’s for an event, a trip, or a future get-together.

Self-Reflection and Awareness

Taking the time to look inward can help us decide how to deal with an avoidant friend. We can start by considering our own attachment style. “Avoidant tendencies may heighten anxious tendencies in other insecurely attached individuals,” says Urrutia. “As in all relationships, it’s important to note why you’re friends with someone. Ideally, your friends make you feel positive and comfortable.” 

If we’re experiencing more anxiety around an avoidant friend, we can be curious about the behaviors that may elicit this feeling. Urrutia says these behaviors can simply be their way of operating in relationships, and has nothing to do with how they feel about us.

“If your anxiety about certain avoidant behaviors starts to interfere with your enjoyment of the friendship,” she says, “you might have to address it with your friend (ideally, in a constructive and friendly way), or you might have to assess whether this is truly a good friendship for you.” 

Strategies for Dealing with an Avoidant Friend

With patience, compassion (for ourselves and the other person), and open communication, healthy friendships with avoidantly attached people are possible. Here are a few things to be mindful of when navigating these relationships. 

Things to Consider

Avoidant friends may show up differently than our friends with different attachment styles, but this doesn’t necessarily indicate a cause for concern. Often, they can appear more distant and detached within the friendship.

Just like everyone else, avoidant friends need intimacy and closeness, though they might be less likely to express it, Urrutia reminds us. If we feel like reaching out, we should absolutely take initiative in doing so. “Another thing to remember is that an avoidant friend may have more tolerance for gaps of time between catching up,” says Urrutia, “which may contribute to a slower build in deepening the friendship.” 

As with any relationship, communication is key. Sanders suggests having “friendship temperature check-ins” every now and then. These “can include what’s going well, what you appreciate about one another, any hurts that may be lurking, and anything else that feels helpful.” These check-ins can make our friendship stronger and help the avoidant person practice having healthy, open conversations in a safe setting. 

Things to Avoid

Bogdanovic reminds us to avoid a few key things, as they can perpetuate avoidant behaviors:

• Pressuring our friend with guilt or intense emotions (“You don’t care about me” or “I can’t live without you”)
• Being highly demanding of their time and energy 
• Using absolutes (“We never hang out” or “You never call me”)
• Setting unrealistic expectations of the other person
• Putting in too much effort, to the point where the dynamic feels imbalanced

Elyse Andrews, who runs the lifestyle blog Daisy in the Dust, lives with an avoidant attachment style. She emphasizes the importance of not taking things personally, such as interpreting emotional distance as a sign of not caring or being a good friend.

“Taking things personally will only damage the friendship, and could even lead to the friendship coming to an end,” she says. “Try to understand that it’s not personal. We’re just trying to protect ourselves the only way we know how!” says Andrews.

Building a Supportive Network

When coping with an avoidant friend, other friendships and forms of support are essential. “It’s important to diversify our support system so we don’t over-rely on one person,” Bogdanovic says. We can reach out to other friends and family members, and perhaps join a class or hobby-based activity to expand our circle. 

Sanders says mutual friends can relate to our experience, as they also care for the avoidant friend and understand the challenges such a dynamic can bring, which can be validating. However, she reminds us, “try not to use each other to complain about the avoidant [friend], as this can be damaging.” 

Focusing on Personal Growth

Ultimately, we can only control one person: ourselves. Making sure our own needs are met can help us better show up in all of our relationships. Working on our personal growth should always be paramount. Here are a few ways to do so:

• Get enough sleep each night
• Find an enjoyable form of exercise and stick to it consistently
• Engage in relaxation techniques (breathwork, meditation)
• Journal out your feelings and pay attention to recurring patterns
• Eat a balanced diet
• Confide in a loved one 
• Speak to a therapist 

Keep in Mind

Each of our friendships will be unique and require effort on our part to keep alive. Friendships with avoidantly attached individuals can be nourishing, supportive, and fulfilling. With a bit of self-awareness, patience, and commitment to our own personal growth, we can navigate them effectively.