Hello! It is beginning to look a bit like spring in most areas of the country by now. Though there has been snow in recent days, the crocuses and daffodils are springing up in my neighborhood. I am looking forward to sunshine and warm weather, and yet I know, there is likely to be more flurries before the month is over. I have some lawn care I want to complete this spring, like mulching, planting flowers in my pots, as well as possibly pulling out and replacing a few plants. There are a pair of flowering bushes in my north facing landscape that have not been flourishing the past few years and yet they produced some blooms last summer. I gave them a significant pruning last fall. Still I wonder if maybe they are not getting enough sunlight. I want to believe they will be alive and well come summer, but I won’t really know for some time yet. Time will tell if there is enough to promote growth and health in the life of my plants. I have done all I know to do and I am willing to wait one more season. That is my limit and then I will move forward with new plant life of some sort. When it comes to small gardening decisions like this, the stakes are not very high. Even so, it takes some time and energy to evaluate, gain clarity, create a plan, and commitment to the process. When dealing with significant relationships, the process may be similar. Yet, the pain of loss is greater and care more will be taken when deciding to let go.
Today’s Question: I have chosen to leave my emotionally destructive marriage. How do I stay sane during the days when he’s all of a sudden acting and speaking the way I’ve begged him to for 23 years. It makes me doubt myself and hate myself when he’s acting “right” all of a sudden. It hurts just as much as all the pain he’s caused me.
Susan’s Response: The choice to leave an emotionally destructive relationship is a hard one. If you are anything like the women I have coached, I am sure it was not a quick decision. As you know, it can take years or even decades to get to the point where you are ready to leave.
It is important to understand that a highly destructive person uses whatever needed in order to maintain coercive control. That may include making temporary changes in the ways you desire. I want to highlight the word temporary here. Sudden changes without a lot of intentional work toward health and healing, will not last.
If you have been begging him for 23 years, he is well familiar with what it is you want and how to placate you. He may be playing on your emotions of self-doubt and self-hatred in order to get you to re-engage with him. The “right” behaviors may be a different form of destruction used to cause confusion and to regain control. In which case, his behaviors would return to the previous state of destruction soon after you return to the relationship.
If your spouse has gotten support and has been intentional about growth and healing, he will understand your need to wait to see if change is lasting. Self reflection and ownership of the harm that was caused will be evident in consistent changes over a long period of time. It is natural to feel some discomfort as you wait.
To help yourself stay sane during this period, remind yourself why you left. It may be helpful to journal or to read old journals you have written about the destructive relationship patterns you have noticed in the 23 years of the marriage. Short term changes are not enough to complete a relationship repair or to warrant a shift in your direction.
Be kind to yourself and embrace your emotions by acknowledging them and validating them. Continue to get support from wise people who understand destructive relationship tactics and can speak truth into your life. Prioritize your wellbeing by maintaining a caring relationship with yourself. Allow yourself time to accept the reality of what is and to clearly evaluate possible new emerging patterns. Understand that short term changes do not indicate a change in motivations.
Leaving a 23 year relationship is going to create intense feelings of grief, grief over the loss of what was good in the relationship and grief over the loss of what you wanted for marriage. Be compassionate towards yourself; give yourself time to process and heal.
You may want to shift your time and energy from your spouse to focusing on your future and regaining a sense of identity. This may require establishing your limits and holding boundaries. Begin to explore your interests and passions, and rediscover who you are outside of the relationship.
Be well!
Beloved reader, what have you done to keep yourself sane whilst navigating the destructive relationship patterns in your relationships?
