Can Trio Friendships Work? Here’s What The Experts Say

Have you ever been in a friendship dynamic where you perpetually felt like the third wheel to two BFFs? When they would mention a niche online meme or make an inside joke, you never got the reference. They would often reminisce about activities you seemed to have missed the invite to. And when the group chat was weirdly silent, you would always wonder if they were secretly hanging out without you. Welcome to the odd, and complex world of trio friendships. 

If you’ve been watching season three of The White Lotus, then you know that the friendship between Kate (Leslie Bibbs), Laurie (Carrie Coon), and Jaclyn (Michelle Monaghan) has been sparking much online obsession and think-pieces galore.

Without revealing any spoilers: Kate, a socialite and secret conservative, Laurie, a single mom and corporate lawyer, and Jaclyn, a rich and famous TV actress, are a trio of friends in their mid-40s who have known each other since high school and are staying at The White Lotus Thailand on a reunion girls’ trip. Despite initially waxing about their love for one another, their friendship appears to consist of many one-on-one gossip sessions behind the other person’s back, and just overall shadiness. The question on everyone’s mind: Are trio friendships really that bad? 

The reviews are mixed, but there is one common denominator about trio friendships that can’t be denied: they’re hard to navigate, and can become toxic fast if everyone doesn’t feel included. To help you navigate a new trio or strengthen a trio bond you already have, we spoke with two female friendship experts for tips on how to navigate this complicated friendship dynamic the right way. Ahead, tips for making your trio friendship last.

Why Are Trio Friendships So Hard?

When it comes to friendship, you might think “the more the merrier,” but when it comes to trios, there’s a natural imbalance that can be hard to navigate. “There is an intrinsic imbalance in a group of three where the bonding of two members can easily make the third person feel discounted,” says clinical psychologist Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD. “It takes a high level of sophistication, consideration, and self-awareness to communicate and make decisions in a way where all people are heard, accepted, and their input is valued.”

In early childhood development, we tend to form friendship dyads to allow for contingent interaction.[1] This dynamic accounts for much of the platonic intimacy we experience, even into adulthood, says Danielle Bayard Jackson, friendship educator and author of Fighting for Our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women’s Relationships. So when a third person is involved, logistically, it’s something you have to be more intentional about to ensure everyone feels equally valued and invested in, Jackson adds. 

It’s no surprise that some of the most common issues in a trio friendship tend to be feelings of exclusion, insecurity in one’s membership in the group, and lack of reciprocity. It only takes an inside joke, shared interest, or mutual hobby for two members to easily feel more bonded, leaving the third person behind, says Romanoff. The key element to a healthy trio is recognizing this imbalance and making deliberate attempts to create reconnection and inclusion, she adds. That may include making efforts to open up conversations and jokes that all members can access and contribute to. 

At the same time, it’s okay for you all to have individual friendships, too, says Jackson. With a trio friendship, there’s often an expectation that you have to do everything together, but there has to be room for one-on-one dynamics, she adds. Just because two people in the group sometimes go out for coffee together and have an inside joke doesn’t automatically mean the trio is doomed.

“Now, intention matters,” says Jackson. “If you’re part of a friendship trio and you have two people that are intentionally separating, intentionally forming inside jokes and secrets with the intent of leaving someone else out, that’s something else entirely. To be honest, I don’t even consider those friendship trios in the first place.” 

In short, a healthy trio friendship is defined as three friends who are equally invested in the friendship, prioritize the group over individual people, and are committed to not talking negatively about the other person when they’re not around, per Jackson. 

Signs You Might Be the “Bonus Friend”

The “bonus friend” is a term used to describe the person in an unhealthy friendship trio that is often an afterthought or extra to a duo’s much stronger bond. This person is usually added to a plan after it’s already been made, they typically don’t hold much power or sway in the group, and are often just valued for their energy without considering their specific inputs and needs, says Romanoff.

One way to tell if you’re the “bonus friend” is if your trio feels imbalanced. You might not feel a strong sense of loyalty from the other members and you often feel like you’re putting in more effort than is being received, says Romanoff. “If you often feel like you’re playing catch up trying to understand inside jokes and stories and often get invited to plans at the last minute, you probably are the tertiary, bonus friend,” Romanoff adds. 

In a healthy friendship, your opinions matter and you feel emotionally safe, says Jackson. “If those things are happening then you are equally valued in that trio.” On the flipside, if you feel unconsidered and like your “friends” are talking about you behind your back, that’s when feelings of resentment, paranoia, and emotional distance begin to breed, Jackson explains.

At that point, it’s time to consider if you wish to continue this friendship, and if you do, it’s important to have a conversation about how you can be more involved in decision making, so the friendship feels balanced. 

How to Make a Trio Friendship Work

While trio friendships are evidently difficult to manage, that doesn’t mean these types of friendships aren’t worthwhile. In my research, I had people share various stories of successful, committed trio friendships.

After their first international girls’ trip to London, Sandra, 25, and her two best friends since high school are even closer now. Despite the group not being able to do everything in their itinerary together because one of them was dealing with a recent breakup, Sandra says helping her long distance friend work through such a difficult time during that trip strengthened their bond even more. They also made some fun memories going to local pubs together.

And despite Kate, Laurie, and Jaclyn’s friendship in The White Lotus appearing toxic from an outsider’s perspective, it seems to work for them if they’ve remained close for 20-plus years. 

Whether you’ve been in a trio for years and are looking for ways to strengthen that bond or are entering a trio dynamic and want advice for navigating this complex friendship type, here are some expert tips for making a trio friendship work: 

Maintain Open Communication

“While it’s tempting to gossip or vent about one friend to another in your trio, try to hold back from saying anything negative about other members,” says Romanoff. There’s nothing like withholding secrets or talking about a friend behind their back, even if the intent is not malicious, to stir up drama within a friendship group.

“Keep your integrity in being precise with your actions and words to each other,” Romanoff advises. Also, whatever you say to one member of a trio has a strong likelihood of getting to the other person, so it’s best to be honest upfront to avoid stirring up any feelings of betrayal.

Romanoff also advises learning when to be direct when a boundary is crossed and when to let things slide. “The best tip is to try to assume positive intent in each other,” she says. At the same time, “speak up when you feel hurt.”

Consider Everyone Equally When Making a Decision

Putting the group above all else may sound tricky, but essentially it’s about making decisions with everyone in mind, says Jackson. Let’s say two of you want to go on a trip or event that you think the other person won’t enjoy because it’s not one of their special interests. You might not think to ask them about it or even extend an invite, but it’s important to put even the smallest things out in the open, says Jackson. 

Jackson uses the example of her own trio friendship. While two of them are huge fans of Beyoncé, their third friend is not so much. Despite knowing this, the duo still invited their friend to her tour show in another state so she felt included, and while the friend declined to join them at the concert, she did express interest in participating in the road trip. 

“Always try to be forthcoming,” Jackson affirms. Even if you have noble intentions for not including the third person in a conversation, as soon as there’s a sense that the other two are sneaking around without them, that can breed distrust in a trio. 

Ensure All Parties Like Each Other

This tip might sound silly, but it’s not uncommon for trio friendships to form unintentionally, where two people are close and then a third friend joins who may only be friends with one person out of the duo. 

“Friendship is an elective relationship, but sometimes I see people have trios that they form for reasons that aren’t the best,” says Jackson. A trio friendship should be formed around three people who equally enjoy each other’s company, not be based on two friends who are close and then feel obligated to bring in another person because they’re friends with person A, Jackson advises.

Create Rituals Just for the Three of You

Romanoff advises scheduling a monthly dinner just between your trio, or having adult sleepovers where you play board games and do face masks. And while it may be tempting to reschedule or add partners and other friends, “it’s crucial to honor traditions between the three of you to show how much you value the trio.”

In addition to a monthly in-person event, consider carving out time to regularly check in with each other over the phone or FaceTime. “Keep the group chat going, plan new adventures to share together, and remember to be vulnerable and lean on each other,” says Romanoff. 

Maintain Friendships Outside of the Trio

If I’ve learned anything from being a relationship writer for over five years is that one person cannot possibly fulfill all of your needs, and that applies equally to friendships as it does to romantic partnerships.

“Although it sounds paradoxical, maintain friendships outside of the trio to enable the trio to be sustainable over a long period of time,” says Romanoff. “This will help you not be reliant on the trio to meet all of your needs and instead preserves trio time for fun, connection, and allows you to have more realistic and fulfillable expectations.”

Tips for Ending an Unhealthy Trio Friendship

While some friendships are worth fighting for, especially if everyone is equally invested in the group and feels seen by each other, others are best left in the emotional garbage chute. Once the friendship trio starts feeling less like The Three Musketeers and more like “I’ve about to break down in tears,” that’s a surefire sign that it might be time to call it quits.

If you’re in a place where you don’t feel like you can be yourself, you’re measuring your words, you feel emotionally unsafe, and you anticipate there might be consequences if you speak your mind or disagree with the group, then that’s not a friendship trio you want to be a part of, says Jackson.

Additionally, if there’s a lack of regard for your needs, lack of reciprocity when it comes to planning and reaching out, competition or jealousy, these are signs of a one-sided friendship and even a toxic one, Romanoff says.

When it comes to ending a friendship, it’s always best to slowly fade out, especially if you think you might want to reignite the relationship in the future when you’re both in a better place, says Romanoff. You may do this by not initiating plans, and cutting back the time and energy you devote to the friendship, she says. 

Research shows that we lose half of our close network every seven years.[2] Meaning, friendship breakups are not only common, but almost inevitable. And while it’s normal for friendships to end, that doesn’t mean it’s not jarring and disruptive when they do, Jackson affirms.