Morning friend,
I’m going through a good hard this month. Our kitchen, which is 25 years old, is being torn down and remodeled. As I write, I’m sitting in my bedroom listening to saws and hammers tear down our cabinets and remove flooring. All our pots and pans, silverware, dishes, spices, décor, junk drawers, and miscellaneous stuff that accumulates in kitchens for years has been tossed or packed away. It’s shocked me to discover how many lids had no containers, or containers had no lids. If they didn’t have a partner, I said goodbye.
Our temporary “new kitchen” is our laundry room. A coffee pot, electric tea kettle, blender, toaster, and hot plate is how we’ll function. I’m sure it will only get harder as it’s estimated to take 5 weeks. I’ll let you know how I do through hard. Today is day 1.
Today’s question: Marriage is a sacrament. When is ok to break that? I knew my husband liked “get rich” quick schemes when we got married 28 years ago. His spending and desire to “make it big” has continued all these years. He doesn’t know how to save. Both of us had less than ideal childhoods. Since the divorce proceedings have started, he is going to GA and I believe he is walking spiritually with Christ. We have adult children and a new grandbaby. It took me 28 years to discover the depth of his spending and dishonesty. I don’t trust him, but my heart is torn because I know he is trying hard to change. I’ve given him so many chances to be honest. In marriage counseling 3.5 years ago, he never came clean. When he looked at me and said, “I never intended for you to find out.” I left. I am hurt to the very core.
I have a guarded heart now and feel so broken. My family is 100% supporting me. They say he has never treated me right, he belittled me, he told me what to say, and always hovered over my shoulder. All these things I knew deep down inside but chose to block out. I never wanted to be a single mom. I don’t like divorce, and I take the marriage sacrament very seriously.
My children are not taking this well. I am so stressed through this whole ordeal. I’m losing my hair and I have lost 20lbs. I can’t sleep. My whole body is in pain. Does this get better once the divorce is finalized, or am I making a grave mistake? (I signed up for Conquer, but I don’t know if I can wait that long).
Answer: I’m sorry for all the pain and suffering you’ve experienced, both in your marriage as well as in this decision to divorce. For most of us, living with the pain we know is far easier than living with the pain we don’t know. Your marriage was painful, and you knew what that pain was for many years. Financial insecurity, coupled with his deceit, controlling and belittling words and actions towards you was your “normal”. And then you decided enough is enough.
You ask whether it’s okay for you to break the sacrament of marriage. Friend, I don’t see that you broke the sacrament. He did. Over and over again. Divorce doesn’t break the sacrament of marriage. Divorce is simply the legal declaration of that reality.
Your decision to divorce, however, has brought you a new kind of pain. Grieving what you always wanted but never got. Grieving what you thought was true. Letting go of the happy family story. Carrying false guilt around the divorce. Learning to live alone, make your own decisions, support yourself financially, make new friends, hold the grief of your children, deal with past childhood wounds, rebuilding your life – It’s a lot. ALL hard stuff.
Jesus warns us that in this world, we will experience hard things (John 16:33)….and hard is hard but not necessarily bad. Sometimes, hard can be good. The Bible even tells us that hard builds necessary muscles of perseverance, courage, faith, and resilience. (Romans 5:3-6; James 1:2-4). Perhaps the most important question you need to ask yourself right now is which hard will lead to greater growth and good for you? And perhaps for your husband? Returning to a marriage with someone who has had a long history of living like a rebel, lying, using get-rich schemes, dishonoring himself, God, and you? Or letting go of what was, and using this season of hard to learn something new?
For you, that might mean getting some help with your physical reaction to all the grief and stress you’re feeling through this divorce. Losing that much weight and not being able to sleep impacts your ability to think clearly and make good decisions. Go to your doctor for help to get your body to settle down. You may also need some counseling and temporary medication for the depression that you seem to be experiencing. I’m grateful you’ve joined CONQUER. Watch the videos, get on the FB group, and join the community to get the support you need from other women who are finding that they CAN DO HARD and on the other side comes healing, growth, strength, and self-esteem.
While you are working on getting healthier yourself, you can observe what your soon-to-be ex-husband does with his new hard. Is he continuing to work on his relationship with God? How about his finances? Is he paying his own bills? Paying back his debt? Paying you what the courts have told him to pay for alimony? Is he holding a job to earn money vs get-rich schemes? Is he demonstrating change in his actions that are verifiable and consistent over time? Or do you see more of the same? Words that have no substance behind them? Get rich schemes? Quick fix solutions to long-standing problems?
As you walk this new path of divorce, you get a chance to grow in new ways and so does he. You’ve already walked the old pain path for years and years and the only results were debt, deceit, devaluing of you, and continued heartache. Why go back to that? Yes, this new path also contains hard and pain, but it has greater potential to lead to new growth in you and in him.
If you’re interested in our CONQUER program, doors will open up on April 8th. I will be doing a free workshop: If He Doesn’t Hit You Is It Still Abuse? Sign up at www.leslievernick.com/joinworkshop
Friend, share when have you faced hard and found it to be good? How? Share how you changed, grew, or what you learned.
