8 Common Conversation Mistakes and How to Rectify Them

There’s nothing like a long yap session with a good friend to turn around a bad day. It’s been shown that a single positive interaction with a friend a day can boost our mental well-being. On the other hand, an awkward or uncomfortable talk can have us stressing for days to come. So how do we ensure our conversations all go well? There’s no magic bullet, but there are some mistakes we can avoid to better connect with others.

As an autistic person, I find some of the arbitrary-feeling social norms for conversing stressful and prefer organic talks with others that go in their own directions naturally. Unfortunately, my life is still filled with other kinds of conversations, too! It’s important for all of us to understand what makes a good conversation, whether it comes naturally to us or not.

Impact of Conversation Mistakes

Before delving into the specific mistakes we might be making, let’s get clear about why this subject even matters. As you might suspect, our conversations impact our relationships, and can do so positively or negatively depending on how they go. “Conversational mistakes often create a sense of disconnection and can lead to problems in relationships,” says Dr. Meghan Marcum, Chief Psychologist at AMFM Healthcare.

This goes for all types of relationships, as most of our interactions are centered around our communication abilities. Marcum notes that “whether these mistakes occur within the context of a personal or business discussion, negative consequences are more likely when these mistakes happen frequently.”

The mistakes we make when talking to others mark the difference between healthy, stable relationships and those that might not survive long-term. They could even end our relationships. “Over time, these mistakes can contribute to people feeling misunderstood, and others may eventually avoid conversations altogether,” explains Marcum.

Common Mistakes in Conversations

Here are the most common mistakes we might make regardless of our communication style.

“Boomerasking”

Have you ever asked a question just to have the opportunity to answer it yourself? This faux pas isn’t just unkind; boomerasking can make us seem manipulative since we’re only bringing up a topic for someone else to discuss before we do. According to Marcum, “‘Boomerasking’ can leave the other person feeling like they aren’t being taken seriously.”

Interrupting

It can be challenging to stay silent when you have something to say. There are some relationships in which both parties are interrupters who don’t mind when it happens, but that’s more the exception than the norm.

In general, starting to talk before someone else has finished is considered rude and disrespectful. “Interrupting someone may often contribute to perceptions of being devalued or slighted,” Marcum notes.

Talking Too Much About Oneself

We’ve all heard the stories—or experienced them firsthand—about bad dates where the other party won’t stop droning on about their own life. It’s boring and can make the other person feel like they don’t matter. Striking a balance between sharing is the heart of good conversation.

We want to be open and tell someone about what’s going on with us, but we don’t want to let it overshadow them. It can make the person wonder if they even need to be there! It’s important to remember that discussions thrive on a back-and-forth dynamic. No one wants to watch a person hitting a tennis ball against a wall all night.

Excessive Advice

When a friend or loved one comes to us with a problem, it’s natural to want to help them fix it—but they may just want to vent. “A common and detrimental action in conflict is to swoop in with suggestions when someone describes a problem, instead of listening and acknowledging the other person’s experience,” says Dana Caspersen, TEDx speaker, conflict engagement specialist, and author of “Conflict Is an Opportunity: 20 Fundamental Decisions for Navigating Difficult Times.”

We may be trying to help, but unsolicited advice can make someone else think we find them to be helpless. “The impact of the suggestion swoop is often that the person with the problem feels both that they are not being truly listened to and that they are not being seen as capable of finding solutions on their own,” Casperson tells us.

Asking Closed-Ended Questions

Asking questions is vital to a good conversation, but we want to ensure that those questions pave the way rather than create stop signs. Closed-ended questions are ones with yes or no answers, rather than ones that invite your conversation partner to continue the chat.

Not Asking Follow-Up Questions

Asking follow-up questions shows that we’re listening, we’re engaged, and we care about the person we’re speaking with. If we ask a question, they answer, and we introduce a whole new subject, the other person could feel like we’re just filling time and not interested in what they have to say.

When we hear a person’s response to our question, it should naturally lead us to want to know something more about at least one element of what they’ve said. That point can then be a follow-up question that shows we’ve been actively listening, even if all we say is, “I’d love to hear more about that.”

Interrogation

We’ve discussed that a conversation should be a back-and-forth exchange, so bombarding a person with nonstop questions is something to avoid. Even if we use a nice and gentle tone, we could make our partner feel on edge and defensive. You don’t want to sound like an attorney and make them feel like they’re on the witness stand.

After each question and answer, take a moment to pause and see if the other person has something to ask rather than jumping directly to the next question.

Using Dismissive Language

Respect is everything in many areas of life, and conversations are no exception. “The biggest mistake one can make is essentially lacking respect for the other person when having a conversation,” says Marcum, who tells us that using dismissive language is an error to avoid.

She says that “it can very quickly erode dialogue and create a barrier between two people.” Dismissive behavior can be a direct response to something someone is telling us, like claiming they are overreacting, or it can be a lack of validation, such as saying, “Whatever,” when someone expresses displeasure with us.

Strategies to Avoid Conversation Mistakes

Thankfully, we can get past these mistakes to start having better and more functional discussions. The biggest thing we can do to avoid any and all of the above mistakes is simple: to listen openly and behave respectfully. According to Caspersen, we should “listen with curiosity and acknowledge what the person has said.”

“Help them unfold their thoughts instead of imposing your own,” Caspersen adds. Active listening is considered a basic key to better communication.

To avoid misunderstanding and ensure engagement, you can summarize what your partner said. “Giving a brief synopsis of what the other person said can help you correct any potential errors quickly and prevent misunderstandings…by allowing the person to clarify and improve accuracy in understanding each other,” Marcum advises.

Lastly, we want to keep things as personable as possible. Avoid conflict by using affirming language and operating from a place of curiosity. “Ask follow-up questions and if you disagree use neutral language instead of hostility,” Marcum says, “saying something like, ‘That’s not the way I understood the situation but I am curious to hear more about your perspective.’”

Promoting Healthy and Balanced Conversations

We can avoid these mistakes by being more present in our conversations. When we behave respectfully and genuinely want to know more about someone else’s experience, it’s easy to avoid talking over them or speaking nonstop about ourselves. “Listen with the real intent to understand, express yourself without attack or defense, and don’t leap to strategies before you understand what really matters on both sides of the conversation,” explains Caspersen.

If you happen to make one of these mistakes, it’s not too late: You can still turn things around. For example, Caspersen says that if we find ourselves offering unsolicited advice, instead of saying “Well, what you should do is….” you can instead say, “So, it sounds like [this] has been happening, what’s the hardest thing in that for you? What are you trying to figure out right now?”

Bottom Line

Communication errors like interrogating the other party or asking only close-ended questions can wreak havoc on relationships, but we can avoid them by being present, listening actively, staying engaged, and getting more information before jumping to conclusions or assumptions.