Hello friends! The Lenten season is here. As we prepare for the resurrection story, Lent invites us to remember where the past has brought us and to consider what the future holds. As we walk through this season with truth, openness, conviction, compassion, and trust in the goodness of God, sorrow gives way to joy. In many ways, Lent and grief are deeply connected. Each one calls us to reflect, to let go, and to seek a new beginning in the midst of the loss of expectations. The good news is, for believers, there is hope beyond death. Through the process of grief, we can be brought to our own Easter Sunday of healing and renewed life.
Today’s Question: How do you let go of who you consider to be “your person” when they keep hurting you? I’ve been married for 33 years, together for 38. He had an emotional affair 20 years ago. Porn addiction for the first part of our marriage, until about 2010 (I think). I have sometimes recently seen questionable Instagram reels on his account. He hides interactions with female business associates, who he swears are not emotional entanglements. Honestly, I have done enough research on both of them that I don’t believe they are affairs, but the deception is still there. He has gone to counseling, made promises, repented and honestly after all this time, I just don’t think it’s going to change. But what do you do when he is your person? My best friend. We have had more good times than bad. I want so much just to cave in, just to accept, to say well, at least it’s not something worse. But I know I’m hurting my self-esteem and self-respect in the process. We are currently separated in the house and it is killing me! Any advice would be appreciated.
Susan’s Response: I can hear the pain in your words; your marriage is not what you’ve longed for. I want to commend you for taking your needs seriously at this time. I know it is hard to live separately from someone who you consider to be your person. The grief is undoubtedly intense. Give yourself time to move through the grief of what has been taking place in your marriage as well as any other emotions you may experience.
I wonder what qualifies someone to be “your person” and what would disqualify them. This is a very individual question, as everyone has different values. I am guessing that since you said you are hurting your self-esteem and self-respect in this process, honesty and trust must be important qualities for you. If you continue to minimize deceit, perhaps you can keep believing your person is honest enough to maintain best-friend status. If you are courageously committed to the truth, is he?
Minimizing the pattern of harm in a relationship can be luring. Accepting destruction because it is less destructive than it could be is a betrayal of your own safety. Looking at the truth can be painful and may create some emotions you prefer not to deal with. However, facing the truth about a relationship could also energize you to have important conversations about what you are experiencing, what you value, what you will and won’t tolerate, and how you will show up in the relationship. Conversations may not cause lasting change in the other person, but it could bring you clarity about the changes you need to make for your own well-being.
I hear you; you have had to grapple with the instability of the marriage for a long time. In all relationships, there is risk, and hurt happens. All humans fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). The effects of sin are great, and the ripple effect can carry on for generations (Exodus 34). If the deception persists, it will further destroy trust in the relationship. You can remain in the marriage but the relationship will not be healthy until the deception stops and repair is made.
It sounds like the hurt has come from a particular pattern of deception around emotional and sexual integrity. When it comes to the integrity of someone you consider to be your person, is it only important that he is sexually and emotionally trustworthy the majority of the time? Is the make up of a best friend someone with whom you just have more good times than bad?
You said your husband hides interactions with female business associates. Does this mean he doesn’t inform you about every interaction, or does he lie to you about having certain interactions? I can understand why you might be anxious about his life choices given the history. Is he trying to rescue you from anxiety by leaving out information? Is he fearful that you will misinterpret his intentions since his intentions were harmful in the past? Perhaps. Best friends may not agree on all things, but they are able to discuss them in a respectful way. What one finds questionable, the other may not. What are the expectations when the two of you are not aligned? Having a conversation in order to reach a deeper understanding might be helpful for both of you.
It is natural to want to be in close relationships with others. If maintaining a particular relationship requires you to betray yourself, you may be dealing with an excessive dependency on that person. Here are some signs that you may be excessively relying on your partner in order for you to be ok.
- Your concern is for his needs and keeping him close to the point of anger and resentment that your own needs are not being met.
- You rely on your partner to give you a sense of worth and identity through validation or reassurance.
- You remain in an unhealthy situation because you can’t imagine life without that person.
- Your life outside of the relationship is nonexistent for the most part.
- Intense feelings of anxiety or discomfort persist if you are not with your person.
- You avoid conversations because you feel less important than your person, and you are worried about their disapproval.
- You put yourself in the place of rescuing and solving problems for him.
Have you continued to be dependent on and vulnerable with someone who is not responsible with your heart? A safe, intimate relationship includes trust and authenticity. Proverbs 4:23 gives this wisdom, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” How can you protect it from those who treat you with patterns of deceitfulness?
You stated that the separation is killing you; grief can feel like death. Whether it is the death of a relationship, the ending of something beloved that once was, or the loss of expectations, grief is hard to tolerate and harder to envision recovering from. Rest assured, through the grieving process, you will find a new normal and renewed life. What do you want for yourself during this period of separation? What could you focus on that would help you build self-esteem, independence, and healthier relationship patterns with yourself?
Be well!
Beloved reader, how have you established a healthier relationship with yourself as you navigate instability in your primary relationships?
