10 Kinks and Turn-Ons You Shouldn’t Be Ashamed of

At some point, we’ve all been there—feeling awkward or even embarrassed about what turns us on. Maybe it’s a kink you’ve never voiced out loud, a position you love but feel self-conscious about, or the fear that your solo habits might be “too much.” 

Despite progress in conversations around sex positivity, many people still struggle with shame, especially when it comes to kink, masturbation, or simply communicating what they want in bed. 

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to pleasure. If it’s consensual and doesn’t harm anyone, there’s no reason to feel embarrassed. 

There are an infinite number of kinks, turn-ons, and sexual preferences — certainly too many to list here. But here are a few broad categories that your desires might fall into. 

Role-Playing

Ever fantasized about pretending to be someone else in bed? Role-playing is a common kink that allows people to explore different personas, power dynamics, or even fantasies they wouldn’t typically experience in real life. 

Whether you’re into teacher-student scenarios, boss-employee power plays, or just pretending to be strangers meeting for the first time, role-playing is a completely valid way to explore desire.

BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism, Masochism)

BDSM is one of the most misunderstood kinks, but it’s also one of the most popular. Many people associate it with extremes, but in reality, BDSM is about trust, communication, and mutual consent. 

Some people enjoy the thrill of surrendering control, while others love taking charge in the bedroom. If consensual impact-play, restraints, or dominance/submission dynamics turn you on, there’s no reason to feel ashamed.

Dirty Talk

Talking dirty can make some people feel self-conscious, but it’s a fantastic way to enhance intimacy and arousal. Whether it’s giving commands, whispering fantasies, or vocalizing what you want, dirty talk is a completely normal (and often thrilling) part of sex.

Exhibitionism and Voyeurism

Some people get turned on by the idea of being watched during intimacy, while others enjoy the thrill of watching. Exhibitionism and voyeurism don’t necessarily mean public sex—many couples enjoy incorporating these elements in a private, consensual setting, like recording themselves or role-playing scenarios.

Masturbation and Mutual Masturbation

Despite overwhelming evidence that masturbation is healthy, normal, and beneficial, some people still feel guilty about it. Exploring your own body helps you understand what you like, which can make partnered sex even better.

Mutual masturbation (where partners pleasure themselves in front of each other) can also be a deeply intimate experience.

Anal Play

There’s a persistent stigma around anal play, particularly for men, but let’s set the record straight: Enjoying anal stimulation has nothing to do with your sexual orientation. The area is rich in nerve endings, making it highly pleasurable for many people. Whether it’s fingers, toys, or penetration, anal play is just another way to experience pleasure.

Fetishes for Specific Body Parts  

We all have body parts that we might prefer over others. But, while it’s normalized to like breasts, bums, or lips, fetishes for other body parts are often considered weird. 

Think about it: Foot fetishes are almost a punchline nowadays. But again, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with liking feet—whether you enjoy having yours touched, want to touch others’ feet, or both! 

Other body parts that are common fetishes include armpits, ears, noses, knees… basically, anything!

Praise and Degradation Kinks

Some people get turned on by hearing praise (“You’re such a good girl”), while others enjoy degradation kinks (“You’re such a bad little thing”). Sometimes, degradation kinks might include name-calling, spitting, “punishments” like spanking, and more. 

As long as it’s consensual and makes both partners feel good, there’s nothing wrong with incorporating praise or degradation into your sex life. 

Non-Penetrative Sex

Not all sex needs to include penetration! Some people prefer outercourse—like dry humping, grinding, or sensation play. These activities can be just as satisfying as traditional intercourse and shouldn’t be dismissed as “less than” penis-in-vagina sex.

Fantasy Exploration

Maybe you have a thing for threesomes, cuckolding, or unusual sexual settings. As long as your fantasies are consensual, there’s nothing wrong with them—even if they stay in the realm of fantasy.

The key is consent and communication. What works for you and your partner is what matters—not societal norms or what anyone else thinks. 

What Is Kink Shaming?

Kink shaming happens when someone ridicules, criticizes, or judges another person’s consensual sexual preferences. This can range from dismissive comments to outright insults about someone’s desires, whether it’s a love for roleplay, interest in BDSM, or a preference for non-mainstream sexual activities.

Why Does Kink Shaming Happen?

Often, it stems from misinformation, fear of the unknown, or societal taboos surrounding sexuality. Unfortunately, this can lead people to hide their desires or feel that their preferences make them “weird” or “broken.”

“Most people grow up with a limited or lack of knowledge of what sex can be,” says Bonnie Scott, MA, LPC-S, an author and kink-positive therapist. “When they want something that’s not ‘mainstream,’ they might wonder if something is wrong or too different about their sexual desires.”

Additionally, Scott says, there are a lot of myths and misconceptions around kink. For example, many people think acting on kinks can be unhealthy, unsafe, or harmful. Another stereotype is that kinks always come from a place of trauma—which may be true for some people in some situations, but it’s not always the case.

“Between porn and media depictions of kink, we get a pretty limited view of what kink can be.  It’s hard for people to believe that kink can be playful and exploratory because that’s not the typical depiction we see,” Scott explains. 

Joli Hamilton, PhD, an AASECT-certified sex educator, says that purity culture can also play a role in our feelings about kink and fantasy. Purity culture is the societal belief that your sexual “purity” determines your worth. 

The Mental Health Effects of Kink Shaming

Healthy sexual expression can have positive effects on your mental well-being.

Shame can make it harder to communicate with your partner about your desires, especially if you worry they might judge your tastes. Not only can this put strain on your relationship and breed resentment toward your partner, it can also lead to sexual dissatisfaction— if we avoid exploring our desires, we might feel less fulfilled.  

And when we repress ourselves sexually, we might reinforce our sense of shame around it, Scott says. “If we avoid our curiosity, if we don’t communicate about it, we are giving it even more power to make us feel shameful while also reinforcing that there’s something exciting there that we aren’t allowed to have,” she explains.

But here’s the good news: by cultivating kink positivity and creating safe, non-judgmental spaces to discuss desires, we can combat these harmful effects and foster healthier sexual experiences. 

How to Be More Kink-Positive and Sex-Positive

Being kink-positive means embracing an open-minded, non-judgmental attitude toward consensual sexual preferences—both your own preferences and others’ preferences!

But moving towards kink-positivity can be tricky. “Freeing yourself from sexual shame often takes a long time,” Hamilton says. “Be patient with yourself.”

 If you find it hard to open your mind to someone else’s kinks, try this:

• Educate yourself: Learn about different kinks to demystify them and break down preconceived notions. If you’re reading this article, you’re already engaging in this first step—well done!
• Don’t make assumptions: Kinks don’t necessarily come from a place of trauma or dysfunction. Try not to jump to conclusions about why someone has a specific kink, or how it plays out in their day-to-day life.
• Challenge negative thoughts. If you feel shame or judgment creeping in, ask yourself: “Why do I feel this way? Is this belief actually true?”

When it comes to shaking off the shame about your own kinks, try the following:

• Surround yourself with open-minded people. Hamilton suggests finding a local or online kink community. Being around sex-positive friends or communities can help reframe how you see your desires. 
• Explore your desires: Not ready to try to act out a kink with someone else? Try exploring it mentally by fantasizing about it (with or without masturbation). This can help you figure out what you like.
• Don’t stress about the “why”: “You can like something without having to understand why you like it,” Scott says. Your kinks don’t always say something about who you are. “You can want to feel submissive sexually without it meaning that you’re submissive all the time, for example,” she says. 
• Focus on what matters—consent: The only boundaries in the bedroom should be the one you and your partner/s agree on—not boundaries imposed by society. As long as you’re all consenting adults, you’re all good. 
• Curiosity is the point. If it turns out you’re not as into a certain kink as you thought you’d be, that’s fine! Don’t let it put you off exploring future kinks. “It’s totally OK if you try something you thought would be hot and find that it’s not,” Scott says. “Back to the drawing board!”

“Don’t let the possibility of guilt or shame get in the way of fulfillment like that,” Scott says. “Life is short and you deserve to have the kinds of sex that you want (with other consenting adults, obviously).” 

How to Communicate Your Sexual Needs and Share Your Kinks with Your Partner 

“Bringing up your desires with the people you want to act on those desires with can feel intimidating,” Hamilton says. At the same time, honest communication is essential for a satisfying and fulfilling sex life. 

Here are some tips for starting the conversation:  

1. Practice: If you’re nervous, Hamilton suggests speaking the words out loud, alone, before talking to your partner. “Giving yourself a chance to speak the words privately can bust through the constriction,” she says. 
2. Create a safe space: Pick a time when you and your partner can talk openly without distractions. Hamilton suggests choosing a time when neither of you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (the HALT rule).
3. Relax: “The words might feel stuck in your throat, especially if you’ve been caught in a lot of shame until now,” Hamilton says. “Consider doing something that regulates your nervous system before you have the conversation with your partner.”
4. Use “I” statements: Frame your preferences in a way that emphasizes your feelings and desires (e.g., “I’d love to try…”). Remind them that you’re not requiring them to participate in your fantasies or have the same kinks — you’re just sharing your feelings.
5. Start small: If you’re nervous, you could always share a low-stakes fantasy or preference before diving into more vulnerable topics.
6. Be patient: Give your partner time to process and respond. They might not know what to say or whether they want to participate in your kinks or not. 
7. Prepare yourself: They might be ambivalent or uninterested in participating in your fantasies, which is okay. Don’t think of it as a rejection, but as a difference in preferences.

Bottom Line

Sexual preferences and kinks are as diverse as the people who enjoy them. Instead of letting shame or fear hold you back, focus on fostering a positive, open-minded approach to your desires. Whether you’re exploring roleplay, experimenting with new positions, or just figuring out what turns you on, remember: your pleasure is valid.

By communicating openly, educating yourself, and embracing a kink-positive mindset, you can create a healthier, more fulfilling sexual experience—for yourself and your relationships. Don’t let shame be the third wheel in your bedroom—kick it out and make space for curiosity, connection, and fun.