How Sexy Consent Can Lead to More Passionate Connections

You’re on a date and looking at your partner, ready to move to the next level. But you’re not sure if they’re on the same page. Asking for consent sounds awkward and you don’t want to kill the vibe. So what can you say instead of “May I ask for your permission and consent to touch you romantically?”

Dr. Jennifer Litner, sexologist and founder of Embrace Sexual Wellness explains that sexual consent is important because it’s how we demonstrate respect and bodily autonomy for ourselves and our partners. 

“Consensual experiences are one of the core principles of sexual health according to the World Health Organization. Healthy communication, honesty, and consent have also been shown to improve sexual relationships,” says Dr. Litner

Consent Creates Emotional Safety

Heather Shannon, LCPC, CST, AASECT-certified sex therapist and AASECT supervisor-in-training, explains that consent is the foundation of great sex. It’s often brought up in the context of rape or sexual assault; however, it’s about creating a sense of physical and emotional safety. 

When we have that sense of emotional safety, we can relax and be present. We can feel connected because we trust our partner(s). Creating that emotional safety looks like making sure your partner is on board. Beyond that, there’s a sense of freedom from pressure, manipulation, or coercion. 

“[Asking for consent] does get a little bit more complicated in practice because sometimes when one partner has an emotional reaction to being rejected, the other partner might feel a sense of pressure to give in to sex they don’t want to have. So it’s also important to be responsible for our own emotions and to talk through these things with our partners,” explains Shannon.

Questions That Make Consent Sexy

Shannon advises establishing consent early on will make things go a lot smoother. For instance, ask someone if you can kiss them before you even kiss them for the first time. Before that, look for signs that they’re interested. Maybe they’ve been touching you on the arm or knee throughout the date but stopped talking while making eye contact.

Yes or No Questions

Dr. Litner shares that yes or no questions are sometimes easier to answer when it gets hot and heavy. She recommends partners discuss any limits or boundaries before getting into the heat of the moment, which may prevent the mood from being disturbed. Here are some to consider:

• Do you mind if I ____?
• Are you okay if I ___?
• Do you want me to ___?
• Are you comfortable if I ___?
• Would it feel good if I ___?
• Do you like where my hands are?
• Would you like to try something else?
• Does this feel good?
• Do you want to slow down?
• Do you want me to keep going?
• Do you want me to stop?
• Do you want to move this to the next level?
• Do you want me to take off my clothes?
• Would you be open to taking things further?
• Do you want to go to the bedroom and get more comfortable?

Bold and Straight-Up Questions

Shannon says it’s fine to be bold and straight-up ask to kiss someone. She shares that as a woman, she’s been with very respectful male partners who clearly let her set the sexual pace. In those cases, she may give consent by moving their hand or telling them what she wants. Sometimes the communication needs to be in giving consent rather than asking.

Try whispering some of these into their ear:

• You know I want to kiss you now, right?
• I’m feeling horny. Are you?
• Can we make out?
• Can you put your hands here?
• Can you put your lips there?
• I feel like messing around. Do you?
• I’m ready to ___. Are you?
• Can you kiss me now?
• Can you touch me here?”
• Can you tell me what you want to do with me?

Fun and Playful Questions

Shannon says as things progress, you can check with your partner to see if they’re comfortable increasing intimacy. It can become a fun, playful game of exploring each other’s body.

• Can I touch you here?
• Can I massage you?
• Can I rub you there?
• It would be fun if we ___. Would you want to?
• I’d love it if you ____. Do you want to do that?
• It’s so hot when we ___. Do you feel like doing that?

Male-Female Pair Questions

My husband and I are done having kids so one of the ways we ask for consent is by mentioning protection. 

Shannon advises that in male-female pairs, it’s important to consider your tolerance for pregnancy risk if you have intercourse. This could include a discussion around condoms, other birth control, or what to do if a pregnancy occurs. 

• Can you get a condom?
• Do you have protection?
• Let’s be safe, okay?
• Do you want me to get a condom?

Risk Tolerance Questions

Shannon highly recommends assessing your personal risk tolerance, discussing sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and contraception with your partner and/or getting on pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) before things proceed to oral, anal sex, intercourse, or sharing toys. 

These discussions aren’t always the most fun, but they’re way better than dealing with unwanted consequences after the fact without any plan in place.

• When was the last time you got tested?
• I got tested and I found out ___. What about you?
• Can we talk about being safe?

“My advice with [STI discussions] is to have it when you’re not in the middle of something hot and heavy. Get the ‘administrative stuff’ out of the way so you can relax and enjoy without it nagging you in the back of your mind. The silver lining of these discussions is that they also enable you each to share what you’re ready for (or not) when it comes to sex,” says Shannon.

Other Hot AF Ways to Ask for Consent

Asking for consent non-verbally can be a way to keep it hot. However, Shannon advises this is for those who know themselves. If you or your partner struggle with social cues, it’s best to stick to verbal consent. However, once a level of mutual interest has been established and you can both read cues well, feel free to explore more non-verbal consent. 

“[The non-verbal consent approach] fits best for somewhat more established couples and it’s best to incorporate some verbal consent with newer connections,” advises Shannon.

Kissing

Shannon shares that with kissing, you can move halfway and let them meet you the other half of the way. This can actually increase turn-on and act as a playful teasing moment as well as fostering consent. This move works well when flirting and touching signals have been pretty clear leading up to that.

Touching

Shannon advises that with touching, you can grab their hand and bring it towards a fairly safe place on your body like your shoulder or waist. Look for their facial expression, enthusiasm level and reciprocation to help determine if they’re into it. If the signs are looking good, you can continue exploring. Go slowly. See if your partner mirrors your intent, actions and enthusiasm.

“If you’re leading all the moves, that’s a sign to pause and check in. But if your partner is enthusiastically grabbing you right back, that can be a sign that further sexiness is wanted,” advises Shannon.

Dr. Litner adds that eye contact, nodding, winking, shaking your head, small moans or sighs, reciprocal touch, and leaning in closer are important for nonverbal consent. She recommends partners discuss cues that demonstrate pleasure or agreement and displeasure or a limit in advance so they know what to look for.

Bottom Line

Consent doesn’t have to be sterile. By asking the right yes-or-no questions, signaling through nonverbal cues, and mirroring each other’s touches, consent can be organically integrated into your hot and heavy experience without sounding awkward. Safe sex is the hottest kind of sex, after all!