Morning friend,
I just finished speaking at the 2025 Restore Conference that was held to talk about church harm. It was incredible, and I thought that perhaps for this week, I would gift you with a letter I wrote a while back on behalf of a dear sister. She was being harmed by her church who told her she could not serve there any longer because she was divorcing her abusive husband. The victim got punished because she wasn’t more longsuffering in allowing herself or her children to continue to be emotionally battered and manipulated and chose divorce. Feel free to use this letter to your church or pastor if you need to.
Dear Pastor or Religious Leader,
I’d like to share a bit with you explaining a Biblical perspective on the impact of verbal/emotional abuse on a person/marriage.
1. Emotional/verbal abuse is real, and its impact is spoken about throughout Scripture. Those who profess to be Christians are told to be slow to anger, to watch their tongue, to not allow any abusive speech come out of their mouth. Why? Because it damages people and relationships. Here is a sample of what God says.
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- Reckless words pierce like a sword (Proverbs 12:18)
- Life and death is in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21)
- Your insults have broken my heart, and I am in despair. (Psalm 69:20)
- The words of the wicked are like a murderous ambush (Proverbs 12:6)
- With their words the godless destroy their friends (Proverbs 11:9)
- Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. (Proverbs 15:4)
- Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth. (Ephesians 4:29)
- You brood of snakes! How could evil men like you speak what is good and right? For whatever is in your heart determines what you say…..The words you say will either acquit you or condemn you. Matthew 12:34,37)
- A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart. (Luke 6:45)
- If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself and your religion is worthless (James 1:26)
- And so blessings and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely my brother and sisters, this is not right. (James 3:10)
2. Safety and trust are God’s plan for marriage and family life. How do you feel safe or trust someone if they repeatedly use words to manipulate, malign, deceive, and control you? The safety and trust of marriage, which is foundational to the well-being of the people/children in the relationship is broken and cannot be repaired when abuse continues. See Proverbs 31:11,12 and Matthew 18:15-17
3. Patterns of abuse (including verbal/emotional abuse), addictions and adultery are NOT marriage problems. They CAUSE marriage problems. Before the marriage or relationship can be repaired, the person who has shown the pattern of breaking trust, using abusive words or actions to demean and control his or her spouse, must do his own inner work of self-reflection, repentance, and change. If not, the sin pattern repeats itself and continues to cause harm and break trust and safety in the family.
4. Jesus is clear that when someone refuses to repent of serious sin, the relationship changes. It changes from brother and sister relationship (implying safety and trust) to a polite stranger acquaintance – using the terms pagan and tax collector (implying no safety and no trust, yet still being respectful and kind). Jesus tells us to love our enemies, but he doesn’t ask a person to live with his or her enemy; kiss him or be sexually intimate with him (which is what a marriage involves). You don’t trust or feel safe with an enemy, precisely because he or she has harmed you, even if you are called to Biblically love him/her. (Matthew 18:15-17)
5. Two unhealthy people cannot create a healthy relationship. One unhealthy person can still cause damage and harm in the relationship, especially when they wield more power physically, economically, spiritually. (Proverbs 21:9). As believers we must wrestle with the question: Does keeping the marriage together glorify God when it continues to be toxic and harmful to individuals in that family structure? How does this represent Christ and his church? Does God value the sanctity of marriage more than the individuals in that marriage & family? I don’t believe that to be true.
Marriage was made for humans, not humans for marriage, just as the Sabbath was made for mankind, not mankind for the Sabbath (Mark 2:27). Jesus taught that God did not value legalistic Sabbath keeping above the safety of even animals. (See Luke 14:5 Jesus teaching on the legalism of the Sabbath to see that even saving an ox from danger was important. Breaking the Sabbath to help the ox was good not a violation of God’s law). All children need at least one healthy parent to grow up, learn and not repeat the sins of the parents into the next generation.
6. Biblical love never enables sin to flourish by staying silent. It is not a noble sacrifice nor a biblical one, to sacrifice one’s well-being, safety or sanity to willingly allow the other to continue to sin against them without protest or consequences. If a wife is to be a true biblical helpmate, then she is called to expose her husband’s patterns of darkness (Ephesians 5:11) speak the truth in love, (Ephesians 4:15, Hebrews 3:13) and bring it before the church if he refuses to repent so that his sin does not continue to damage her, their children, their marriage, and deform him (Matthew 18). If he continues to be unrepentant, then separation is warranted. Peter talks about suffering for doing what is right. A woman who exposes her husband’s sin, may suffer, but it is for doing what is right not enabling him to continue to cause harm to her, the children, the body of Christ and his own soul (1 Peter 3:17).
7. There are real consequences to repeated sin, even in marriage. Some consequences are permanent (Galatians 6:7-9). If you drive drunk or distracted and hit a child and he dies, it doesn’t matter how repentant you are, the child is still dead. When someone grievously sins against his or her spouse, the loss of trust and safety can be a permanent consequence of sin. (If someone you once trusted, molested your child, you might forgive him or her, but you would never allow him access to your child again. This is not unbiblical, this is wise.)
8. When the abused spouse refuses to lie or pretend to keep up the image of an intact marriage, she is living as God calls her to, in truth. Church leaders who pressure her into reconciliation or label her as hard hearted, are not seeing clearly. She is called to practice Biblical self-stewardship by guarding her heart above all else, (Proverbs 4:23). She guards herself against her spouses cruelty and abuse, so that she herself doesn’t become overcome with evil and grow toxic with resentment, fear or bitterness (Romans 12:21). It is not biblical to be spiritually commanded to live with someone you don’t trust, feel afraid of and who has repeatedly harmed you. That describes a prisoner of war, not a biblical or God honoring marriage.
9. Repentance comes from a change of heart which results in a change of actions. When no change of actions come forth, genuine repentance is suspect. (See Jesus teaching in Matthew 7:15-20).
I would welcome any questions or an opportunity to do more instruction to your organization on these matters. You may also find helpful information for yourself from my book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage as well as from my website leslievernick.com
In Christ,
Leslie Vernick
Formerly Licensed therapist, relationship coach, author and speaker
www.leslievernick.com
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Friend, when the church causes you more harm, how do you still stay connected to Jesus, the source of your hope and help?
