Alpha, sigma, beta. No longer are they resigned simply to being letters of the Greek alphabet. Instead, they are firmly entrenched in the vocabulary used by almost anyone who spends significant time online. Even for those who don’t exactly love these labels, they’re here to stay.
One of the places where terms like alpha, sigma, and beta are showing up most often are in relation to masculinity. No, alpha males don’t generally howl at the moon like the wild animals we used to associate the phrase with, but they do tend to be identified online in the so-called manosphere.
However, the entire concept of an alpha male, drenched in toxic masculinity as it may be, can influence your relationship if you find yourself connected to someone who identifies with its general characteristics: a man who leads, is powerful, is connected, has money, and doesn’t take no for an answer.
In other words, the person you’re in a relationship with might not care that the University of California Berkeley has labeled the entire existence of an alpha male (at least in the context of wolf pack behavior) as “a myth.”
So, what can you do about that dynamic?
Where Did the Term Originate?
The idea of an alpha male has been pervasive throughout history, denoting a sense of prestige and power and further enforcing male privilege in the workplace. While the origin of alpha male as a specific descriptor of men is murky, many point to a proliferation in the use of the word in the late 1990s and early 2000s.
If we look at Google Trends, a tool that helps track the popularity of terms over time, “alpha male” reached peak popularity—obtaining the highest possible score— in December of 2023, more than double the score it had just three years earlier.
Dr. Brian Tierney, PhD, a licensed psychologist at Integral Life Psychology and Education, says that there are some key identifiers we’re speaking about when we refer to someone as an alpha male.
“An alpha male is a dominant male who may tend towards being controlling or having a lack of capacity to surrender, submit, or give way to another person’s prerogatives,” says Tierney.
An alpha male is a dominant male who may tend towards being controlling or having a lack of capacity to surrender, submit, or give way to another person’s prerogatives.
The use of the term alpha male is also often associated with outdated studies that looked at the behaviors of captive wolves. This led to the term becoming synonymous with good leadership in business circles.
A Harvard Business Review case study detailed that upwards of 70% of high-level executives were identified by the label. However, the effectiveness of these leaders has been brought into question by researchers more recently. As researchers from Elon and Arizona State put it in a release related to more recent findings:
“Although we found evidence that participants still stereotype leaders as male and to some extent as dominant, those very same participants did not prefer those leaders […] Rather, if anything, they showed a slight preference for female leaders, and a strong preference for prestigious ones. Our results are inconsistent with the idea that women are less preferred as leaders relative to dominant men.”
How Do Alpha Males Describe Themselves?
It only takes one look at social media sites like YouTube and TikTok to identify how alpha males see themselves. Channels like Jubilee, via their Middle Ground series, have platformed these types of internet personalities. In a May 2023 video one of the guests shared their overtly misogynistic views.
“Men should be the stable ones. Men don’t need to be crying in front of women. And ideally, they’re not splitting chores. And I don’t mean that disrespectfully, but I think that if a woman cannot look up to you in some way, then she cannot respect you. And if she cannot respect you, she cannot love you.”
Charming.
However, Tierney said that the term alpha male can sometimes be misconstrued by those using it.
“One misconception is that a human alpha is always aggressive, subjugating, coercive, barbaric, or toxic and that they cannot change. One quality of a good leader is the maintenance of composure and coolness under pressure and in the face of chaos; this can be a type of dominance that can be sensitive, empathic, and crucial for a sense of calm in a group.”
What to Know About Being With an Alpha Male
This may sound blunt, but if you’re in a relationship with someone who sees themselves as an alpha male, one of the first questions you’re going to want to ask, according to Tierney, is whether you want to stick around.
“Honestly ask yourself the question if you want to be a part of such an asymmetrical situation,
says Tierney. “If the answer is no, then consider whether the alpha male would be willing to work on themselves to develop more relational flexibility. If there are not clear answers to these questions then assess what behaviors of the alpha are relational dealbreakers for you if they do not change and begin to advocate for them.”
But let’s assume you do. What next?
How to Prioritize Your Own Needs
Alpha males are generally described as being inflexible and as placing their priorities over almost everyone else’s. In order to not get lost in your own relationship dynamic it can be valuable to focus on what you need out of your relationship.
It can also be important to identify the level of safety you have in your current dynamic if that level of control has risen to constitute abuse. Researchers like Clare Murphy, PhD, have written about it extensively online and there are sources of information, such as the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, that can help you identify and navigate a potentially harmful relationship.
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