When Should You Ask Where the Relationship Is Going?

Bringing up difficult or prickly subjects in relationships can be challenging. Real talk: I’ve been married for 23 years and I still dread these types of conversations!

If you are in a relationship and are looking for clarity about where it’s going, you are not alone. You are probably filled with lots of emotions and concerns. You might be wondering if it’s the right time to have this conversation, and whether bringing up this question is going to scare the other person away. You might also think that maybe a conversation like this is pointless (if it’s meant to be it’ll just be, right?) but it definitely isn’t.

“There’s this misconception that if the relationship is ‘right,’ then both partners will just ‘know,’ which isn’t always the case,” says Courtney Sonntag, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist at Front Porch Therapy.

That’s why it’s vital to address this topic head-on. “People process their commitments at different places, so it’s important to have intentional conversations about this,” Sonntag emphasizes.

We understand how difficult these conversations can be, which is why we’ve put together a guide for folks who are ready to take the first step.

Read on for some honest, relatable, and reassuring tips for how to navigate the “where is this relationship going” conversation that no one wants to have (but should!).

Understanding the Right Timing

First of all, even if you are feeling like it’s probably time to have the “where is our relationship going” talk, it’s likely that you also feel some serious trepidation about going to that place.

Common Fears

Feeling nervous is super common, says Sonntag. In fact, anxiety about having this conversation is something that comes up frequently in Sonntag’s therapy practice. “What I have heard most as a therapist is, ‘What if I don’t get the answer I want from them?’” Sonntag shares. “And my response to that is usually, ‘Well, then at least we have an answer.’”

Another common fear is that you will bring up this topic too early and end up freaking the other person out or scaring them completely away, says Easton Gaines, PsyD, a holistic, clinical psychologist in New York, NY. But this is rarely the case, she assures, and if that ends up happening, it might be a sign that this relationship isn’t for you.

“Relationships aren’t built on guessing games—they thrive on clarity and mutual understanding,” Dr. Gaines says.

Signs It Might Be Time to Have The Conversation

So how might you know it’s time to have this conversation?

One obvious sign that it’s time to broach this subject is if you have a general feeling of uncertainty about the relationship and where it’s headed. “The right time is typically when uncertainty outweighs clarity—when you find yourself wondering about where things stand or making decisions (big or small) that would be influenced by the answer,” Dr. Gaines says.

You may also be seeking more clarity about what your partner wants in the relationship and whether you and your partner’s needs align, Sonntag shares. “There could also be indicators, such as inconsistencies in effort, expectations, or commitment levels, that drive this conversation,” she adds.

Preparing for the Conversation

The best way to prepare for this conversation is to take some time to manage your expectations, Sonntag says. “If you’re going into a talk expecting a specific answer, emotional or verbal, disappointment is bound to happen,” she warns.

Additionally, being very clear about your own wants, needs, and goals is of utmost importance. This means having some clarity about those “big life questions” like marriage, children, lifestyle, jobs, where you want to live, and more. “That way, no matter what the other person says, you’re clear on what you want for yourself and your life,” Sonntag describes.

It can also be helpful to ask yourself some clarifying questions. Prior to the conversation, Dr. Gaines suggests asking yourself questions such as:

How to Approach the Conversation

Okay, so now it’s time for the big convo. How best to approach it? Gaines shared some Dos and Don’t for approaching the conversation.

Dos

• Approach the conversation with curiosity, but not pressure, Dr. Gaines suggests. Consider saying: “I’ve been thinking about where we’re headed. What are your thoughts?” instead of “We need to define this now.”
• Listen actively. This means that you keep in mind that this conversation isn’t just about expressing your feelings and needs, but understanding the other person’s perspective too, Dr. Gaines emphasizes.
• Use “I” statement whenever possible, as doing so gives you agency and responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. Saying something like, ““I value clarity and want to understand where we stand” is much better than “You never tell me how you feel,” Dr. Gaines suggests.

Don’ts

• Unless you are truly ready to follow through, don’t use ultimatums. Saying something like “If you don’t commit now, I’m leaving” forces compliance, rather than authentic connection, shares Dr. Gaines.
• Never assume you know your partner’s answer before they say it. “Confirmation bias can make you interpret what you expect rather than hear what’s said,” explains Dr. Gaines.
• We know it’s hard, but if you can, try not to overcomplicate things. As Dr. Gaines emphasizes, this is a conversation, not a performance.

Possible Outcomes and How to Handle Them

There are several different ways that the conversation can go, and it’s good to be prepared for all possible outcomes.

There are basically three main ways the conversation can go, according to Dr. Gaines:

1. You’re on the same page. Yay! This clarity can bring extra security and direction to the relationships.

2. You and your partner have different expectations and goals for the relationship. “This is where self-awareness matters,” Dr. Gaines suggests. “Can you meet in the middle, or does this signal incompatibility?”

3. Your partner avoids giving a clear answer. Remember, though, that ambiguity actually is a kind of answer, Dr. Gaines reminds. “If someone resists defining the relationship indefinitely, it may be worth questioning if your values and goals are aligned,” she says.

Whatever happens, it’s important to give yourself the time and space to process how you are feeling—whatever those feelings may be. “Processing the outcome means giving yourself permission to feel—whether that’s relief, excitement, or disappointment,” Dr. Gaines says.

Maintaining Self-Respect and Boundaries

Probably the most challenging outcome of the “where is the relationship going” conversation is if you and your partner land on completely separate pages. This can definitely hurt, says Sonntag. But it can be reframed as an opportunity to define and crystalize what you want in a relationship.

It can also save you some time and preserve your self-respect. If you and your partner’s goals don’t align, Sonntag suggests asking yourself questions like: “Would I rather hurt for a month (ending the relationship) or would I rather hurt for a year (prolonging the relationship and hoping it changes)?”

For many of us, respecting our own needs and boundaries means not waiting for the other person to get on the same page with us, especially if they make it clear there is no hope for that. “Easier said than done, but don’t settle out of fear of ‘losing’ this person,” Sonntag suggests. “You are allowed to walk away if/when needed.”

Finally, remember even if the conversation got dicey or felt challenging at times, you did it. You showed up for yourself, your feelings, and the future of your relationship. This will be an asset to you, either in this relationship, or in future relationships.

“The best relationships aren’t built on guessing games but on a shared understanding, mutual commitment, and a willingness to talk about the things that matter,” Dr. Gaines underscores.

The Bottom Line

The good news is, not every one of these conversations will end with the dissolution of the relationship. Of course, there’s also the possibility that there will be a wedding in the works!

But more often than not, what happens next is that there are some decisions to be made, challenging thoughts and feelings to parse through, and some difficult emotions to sit with. Often, this conversation can be the spark that ignites growth in the relationship and an opportunity for you and your partner to form a deeper bond.

Seeking a strong support system—and considering meeting with a therapist—can help you work through any of these scenarios. You are not meant to navigate these difficult moments on your own. Help is out there for both you and your partner.