My Partner Is Still Friends With Their Ex—What Should I Do?

When my husband and I were dating, I remember digging into his social media to see if he was still “friends” with an ex. And he was. I panicked. Does he still talk to her? Does he think of her as the “one that got away”? Does he check up on her regularly?

I had a small freak-out. I didn’t know the extent of their “friendship”. I felt threatened because I was comparing myself to someone who had previously been in my position. Simply put, it’s not a nice thing to think about.

All that said—if you’re dealing with this, is it truly a cause for concern?

Understanding the Emotional Response

Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, clinical psychologist, professor, and Verywell Mind review board member explains that it’s absolutely normal to feel uncomfortable when you find out your partner is still friends with their ex. There is so much uncertainty about their current friendship, such as their intent or motives for the sustained relationship, the level of emotional, physical, and intellectual intimacy they currently share, and fears of what their relationship could lead to.

Dr. Romanoff shares that people tend to struggle to accept that a person can be friends with an ex, especially if there was never a baseline friendship. When ex-romantic partners rekindle a relationship — albeit a platonic friendship — those romantic and intimate experiences that bonded them linger and often can easily become reignited.

Why People Stay Friends With Their Ex

I was stewing with that information for a while before bringing it up to him. He said he forgot he was still following his ex and unfollowed her immediately. Jump forward many years and we’ve got a couple of kids in tow. Phew, crisis averted. And if we ever needed to become exes, staying friends might be easier as parents.

However, others don’t feel the same way. Alex from Burnaby, Canada who has been married for 2 years believes no married person should stay friends or keep in contact with their ex, saying it’s unhealthy for both partners.

“Even before getting married, if someone says they’re still friends with their ex, their partner should put an end to that because as long as that friendship continues, ideas will invade their mind constantly and eventually it will lead to a big argument,” says Alex, adding that the argument can be never-ending.

T from Vancouver, Canada who has been married for 10 years says she isn’t friends with her exes. Some of these relationships ended in ways that made staying friends difficult, while others simply drifted apart over time.

Other reasons can include trying to understand the reason for the break-up or making amends to be able to heal. Maintaining these interactions with ex-partners, however, can increase stress and bring confusion to the current relationship.

When a Friendship With an Ex Becomes Problematic

Dr. Romanoff says identifying whether a friendship with an ex is problematic is subjective. Only the person in the relationship can determine their comfort level with their partner’s friendship and ultimately, no objective factors can override their boundaries and needs.

However, a helpful guide to determine whether their friendship is problematic is to understand what makes you uncomfortable about it, find solutions, and communicate your limits to your partner. 

Assessing Their History

Dr. Romanoff says understanding the context of your partner’s relationship with their ex can help you determine the nature and dynamic of their relationship. Some things to consider:

• How long did they date for?
• Were they friends before dating?
• Do they share children, pets and/or friends? 
• How did their relationship end?
• How long ago did it end?

Amber Brooks, the Chief Editor at DatingNews and DatingAdvice shares that her husband occasionally texts his ex from ten-plus years ago; however, it’s mainly because they used to live together with their two dogs. His ex is married and they broke up because she was moving away. They weren’t heartbroken or resentful; they just never saw each other as the end game.

“My husband is transparent about texting [his ex] and invites me to have dinner as a double date. I trust him, and it doesn’t bother or threaten me. If he seemed like he was hiding the messages or he really wanted to do that double date, that would be a different story. They are more like old friend acquaintances than real friends who see each other a lot. I don’t consider myself a jealous person, but if my husband went to hang out with an ex one on one…well, I would have follow-up questions for him,” says Amber.

Not Addressing Your Concerns

Cruz says a red flag could include the partner’s reaction when concerns about their friendship are brought up. For instance, they become defensive, question your concerns, inappropriately communicate or violate your boundaries. Not addressing concerns is a red flag that provokes negative emotional energy, uncomfortable interactions and disrespect. These red flags come from unresolved issues that remain active with both parties.

Feeling Uncertain

Dr. Romanoff says if their friendship seems secretive or mysterious, you could feel more secure by suggesting to all meet up together so you can determine the nature of their interactions and intentions in person.

“It’s important to trust your gut instinct if you feel uncomfortable with your partner being friends with their ex — especially if you sense they are outsourcing a need to be met in that relationship (that likely was based on intimacy, not just physically but often emotionally and intellectually) that isn’t currently being met in the relationship between you both,” advises Dr. Romanoff.

How to Talk to Your Partner About Their Friendship

Talking to your partner about their friendship with their ex can be complicated and overwhelming. Here is some advice to start the conversation.

Approach With Empathy

Cruz advises to approach the conversation with empathy. This means allowing each person to express their emotions safely, avoiding negative statements that pit you against each other, listening to the person speaking without interrupting and letting the other person verbalize their thought processes related to the topic.

Create a Goal Together

Cruz recommends setting a goal together before and during the conversation. This can create a functional solution for the conflict, build healthy boundaries after deciding the course of the relationship, and allow the discussion to focus on moving forward and healing.

Set Boundaries

Dr. Romanoff suggests that if your partner’s friendship with their ex seems problematic, you can request them to set boundaries. First, identify your comfort level with their relationship. 

You may decide you’d like the option to be included in all communication and interaction between them. Just knowing your partner agrees to this level of transparency may alleviate anxiety; in addition, you could have the option to join them for their meet-ups or will have permission from the outset to see their text exchanges.

Dr. Romanoff shares that in her couples therapy work, she often sees these types of relationships with an ex re-emerge because the partner who wants to remain friends with their ex doesn’t have many other friendships outside of their current partner and has a strong need to vent or seek advice about their relationship to others.

This is where socialization and building alternative new friendships could be helpful. You could ask your partner to make an effort to cultivate other friendships — which in time, could reduce their dependence on their ex.