Surprising Signs of Hidden Relationship Tensions and Their Common Causes

Have you ever felt like there are underlying tensions in your relationship? Perhaps there’s something you’ve been unhappy about for a while but never discussed with your partner, or maybe you’ve felt as though your partner’s been distant or hot and cold, and you’re not sure why. 

Here, we’ll look at what hidden tensions are, how to detect and identify them, and the common causes – as well as how to address them and move forward with your partner. 

Understanding Relationship Tensions

Hidden tensions are silent stressors that can put a strain on a relationship. They can arise in the workplace, between relatives and friends. as well as in couples.

Milestones in growth, relationship changes, career growth, and significant life events like loss or illness, can alter the dynamic of your relationship and can cause hidden tensions to develop. Likewise, external factors like health concerns or financial worries can also cause them to arise. Or if you’re having to take on extra hours at work, your partner might feel as though you’re neglecting them, or vice-versa. 

“Ask yourself whether the pattern between you has changed over time,” says Katherine Cavallo, MA, a UKCP-registered systemic family and couple psychotherapist. She adds, “Hidden tensions often build up over time, and usually stem from underlying fears that the relationship is under threat.”

Trauma from early life or previous relationships can be a factor in the development of hidden tensions, too. “If one person has had trauma or has abandonment issues from past relationships, this can move through to the new relationship through fear of another abandonment or trust issues,” says Gemma Nice, a sex and relationships coach. “This can cause tension from the other person and fear of not being loved. Another one is where one person has low self-esteem or doesn’t feel worthy of love. This can transpire into arguments and lack of communication.”

The importance of communication is vital when it comes to resolving tensions, but actually taking the step to communicate can be difficult. You might find that you’re about to go into fight, flight, or freeze mode, and it can be tempting to withdraw from the conversation or become defensive, which can make listening more difficult. 

However, by communicating it’s easier to work toward a solution that works for both of you. If you’re stressed about money, or you’re running on lack of sleep with a newborn, for example, is there a way you can find a compromise? 

Signs of Hidden Tensions

“Common signs of hidden tensions include being snappy or defensive over seemingly minor or unrelated matters, long silences, or the withdrawal of physical intimacy,” says Cavallo. “You may feel you’re ‘walking on eggshells’ or confused and hurt by your loved one’s uncharacteristic reactions.”

“I’m an overthinker and tend to read between the lines a lot,” says 28-year-old Samira. “My ex would give me the cold shoulder quite a bit whenever we had even small disagreements and I always thought it was something I’d done wrong … When I’d disagree with her, she would not text me back for hours and I would have to apologize.”

Another sign of hidden tensions can be a decrease in physical intimacy and the frequency of sex. It’s normal for your sex drive to fluctuate, and it could be down to all sorts of things, but if you’re having sex far less frequently than you used to, hidden tensions could be a factor.

Impact of Hidden Tensions

Healthy relationships can be hugely important for our overall happiness. And on the other side of the coin, relationship difficulties can have a negative impact on our mental health, being linked to anxiety and depression. The stress caused by hidden tensions in a relationship can affect our sleep and our appetite, and even make us physically ill. For Samira, it was something that affected her sleep.

Sometimes, when someone’s dealing with hidden tensions they might go inward and shut off. Others can find comfort elsewhere, drifting away from their partners and even veering into emotional affairs. This can then, of course, make matters even worse. 

When you’re dealing with hidden tensions, you might feel unhappy but also unsure how to change things – you might worry that, if you broach something, it could make matters worse. But, if hidden tensions aren’t brought out into the open, they can lead to unhealthy patterns in your relationship, or arguments in which you never get to the root of the issue, potentially resulting in the relationship ending. 

Married couples who can’t resolve daily conflicts have a higher likelihood of divorcing, while couples who negotiate conflicts in a constructive way have lower rates of divorce. So, even if bringing things up can feel awkward or uncomfortable, it’s something that can help in the long run.

Strategies to Address Hidden Tensions

Like we said, communication is important. If you’re both busy, or you’re worried that your feelings will erupt at a time that isn’t ideal, try to agree on a time to talk in advance. Do your best to stay non-reactive—take a pause when you are upset, step back and think about how you feel, and then express yourself from that place. “We never really came to a conclusion about any small arguments we had which kept adding to the tension,” says Samira.

Nice recommends using active listening, or paying close attention to and understanding what your partner is saying, and using ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements so you don’t come over accusatory. 

“Be understanding of each other and ask for help when needed. Be there for each other,” she continues, also suggesting going out into nature to have the conversation. Being outside can help ground you both and make you feel calmer. It also gives you a chance to step away and cool off to regulate the nervous system and then attempt to approach the conversation with empathy and kindness.

“If it feels impossible to talk or doing so creates circular arguments, it’s important to seek help,” adds Cavallo. “Couple or family therapy creates a safe, supportive, and neutral context to enable these important conversations.”

Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist who focuses on relationships, wrote in his 1999 book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” that 69% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable – perhaps relating to the way your partner saves and spends money, or personality traits your partner has that sometimes annoy you. 

To that end, we can’t always eliminate a problem. What we can do is manage issues as and when they come up with communication, trying to reach a mutual understanding. 

Maintaining a Healthy Relationship

To maintain a healthy relationship, it’s important to connect with your partner on a regular basis. We often lead very busy lives, so it’s worth finding time between work and errands to spend quality time together. Is there a shared activity you enjoy doing together, or could you set aside time to watch movies together on the couch each weekend or after work in the week?

Cavallo adds, “Learn to listen attentively, address concerns as they arise, and respect each others’ boundaries.  Research suggests relationships thrive best when there is a pattern of appreciation and fondness towards each other.  Learn each other’s love languages so when you share your feelings they are noticed, appreciated, and reciprocated.”

Keep in Mind

Hidden tensions can have a real impact on your relationship. No relationship is going to be perfect, and even in the healthiest, happiest relationship, things will crop up from time to time that you or your partner are unhappy with. 

But when this happens, it’s best to communicate. Sure, it might not be a fun conversation to have, but it can bring you and your partner closer and help develop a deeper level of understanding. And, by communicating, you’ll prevent things from building up and having a detrimental effect on your mental health.