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To some extent, we all want to control our environments and circumstances. It’s natural, normal, and a survival instinct. But sometimes, we take that instinct too far and try to control other people. That leads us to getting frustrated when they don’t behave as we want them to.
If you’ve ever been told by others that you could stand to take a deep breath and let go of your need to control, the “let them” theory might be just what the psychologist ordered for you. It’s a theory that helps bring you peace by shifting focus from what you can control, to how to just…stop that. Let’s find out more about it.
What Is the “Let Them” Theory?
This theory was kickstarted by podcaster and motivational speaker Mel Robbins in her book published in 2024. As she puts it, “The Let Them Theory is a step-by-step guide on how to stop letting other people’s opinions, drama, and judgment impact your life.” Outside of the book, this means the theory is all about simply letting others do what they will.
You’re probably already letting other people do exactly that—but you may be overly involved in their choices, and trying to control their actions. This theory suggests that you divest yourself from that way of living, and instead, allow others to do what they will. You’ll release control, and in turn, it will help you feel more settled and relaxed.
“The “Let Them” theory argues that we can’t control other people’s thoughts and actions,” says Dr. Terri Orbuch, PhD, therapist and professor at Oakland University in Michigan. She notes that “by saying ‘let them,’ we accept that we can’t change others’ opinions or actions, and we can’t influence them to meet our expectations.”
Additionally, she says you’re not giving up control of everything—only the areas of your life that you have no control over anyway. “The ‘Let Them’ theory does not argue that you need to let go of all control, totally. But instead, understand what you can control and what you can’t,” she explains.
Emotional Awareness and Self-Reflection
Letting others do what they will, and detaching yourself from that process, can do wonders for your own mental wellness. “The “let them” theory promotes emotional awareness by encouraging you to observe and accept the emotional experiences of others without trying to control or intervene,” says Dr. Sanam Hafeez, NYC Neuropsychologist Director of Comprehend the Mind.
When you do that, it will help you see your emotions more clearly. “We become aware of our own emotions and what affects our emotions. We also shift the focus to what we can control—our own emotions and needs, and when we do, we become less frustrated and happier,” says Orbuch.
Once you understand your emotions better, you can start to work with them. Says Hafeez, ” This introspection can expose you to fears of failing or discomfort with indecision, so you can know your emotional triggers.” From there, she explains that “this practice eventually helps you notice and control your own emotions and become more emotionally aware and developed.”
Benefits and Challenges of the Theory
While there are many upsides to putting this theory into practice, that doesn’t mean it’s always easy to do. Let’s look at how it can help you, and why it can be challenging to implement.
Benefits
Most importantly, using the let them theory may have you feeling more chill. “When you say ‘let them,’ you’ll experience less worry, frustration and stress about how others feel about you,” says Orbuch. From there, you can learn to have some flexibility and be less attached to the specific outcomes you desire occurring at all times.
This will make you a more adaptable person. Says Hafeez, “letting go of control makes it easier to adapt to changing circumstances, fostering a sense of resilience and a more open approach to life.”
The let them theory can also help you improve your overall mental health. Hafeez notes that “trying to control everything can contribute to burnout and feelings of frustration. Letting go can reduce mental exhaustion and promote a healthier mindset.”
Obruch says this frees up your mental space and can enable you to have a more fulfilled life. “By spending less time and emotional energy on trying to get others to meet your expectations, you’ll have more time to devote to you and your needs, wants, and interests,” she says. Additionally, she tells us that “you’ll sleep better, because you’ll worry less about why others are not meeting your expectations, or how others feel about you.”
Challenges
Of course, just because we want to make a change doesn’t mean it’s a quick switch to flip. Implementing the let them theory can actually go against a lot of our instincts. Hafeez says everything from cultural expectations to our natural desires to help others can get in the way here.
Additionally, the let them theory can bring up our own difficulties in life; Haffez says personal insecurity can ramp up, noting that “a fear of being seen as inadequate or uninvolved can drive the instinct to intervene. If someone feels insecure about their worth or role, they may feel compelled to take control to prove themselves valuable or competent.”
Lastly, the let them theory requires a lot of trust, and not everyone feels that about all the people in their life. Says Orbuch, “we think that others judge us, so we worry about those judgments.” Hafeez adds that “if you have a low level of trust, either in yourself or in others, it becomes very challenging to step back and allow things to unfold without interference.”
The Impact on Relationships and Personal Well-being
Once you’ve tackled the challenges of the let them theory, you can watch it play out positively in your life. It can improve both your personal relationships and your own sense of emotional wellness.
Obruch tells us that you’re likely to be happier overall, both on your own and in relation to the people in your life. “When we don’t set expectations that can’t be met, we are happier,” she notes. She also says that you’re likely to feel reduced stress, and to have an overall larger sense of calm than you currently might.
You also might enjoy the people in your life more than you currently do, once you implement the “let them” theory. “It can make the relationship seem more real as each side is able to say what they want without being judged or interfered. This allows the relationship to be built on trust, acceptance and authenticity,” says Hafeez.
She says this can also help you know others better, telling us that “By not trying to dictate or control everything, you allow the other person to be themselves fully. When you don’t try to ‘fix’ everything, it shows that you appreciate the person for who they are, not because they fit into your picture or your vision.”
Steps to Implement the “Let Them Theory”
You might be excited by the idea, but how do you begin? Thankfully, it’s a very straightforward process.
The first step is to get a handle on how often you’re trying to control others. Advises Orbuch, “Make a list (and count) the number of times you worry in a day about what someone is thinking about you, or you want to influence what someone does or says? How large is the list?”
Next, Orbuch recommends starting a calendar or journal. “Every time you find yourself wondering why someone acted the way they did, or they didn’t meet your expectations, you want to tell yourself to ‘stop’ and say (and think) ‘let them.’ Let them think or do that. Let them be them. Write it down in your calendar,” she instructs.
Specifically, she says to “write down your emotions and reactions in your calendar. Do you feel less stress? Are you calmer? Do you feel stronger? More confident?” She advises practicing this shift multiple times a day, for 21 days.
As you move through the process, Hafeez suggests that you remain an active listener rather than always trying to give solutions. “When someone is sharing their thoughts or emotions, listen fully without jumping in with advice or solutions. Simply being present can help them feel heard and supported,” she explains.
And if they don’t ask for advice, stop giving it: “If someone hasn’t asked for your opinion, hold back. Giving advice without being asked can often feel like control, even when it’s well-intentioned,” she says.
As you do all this, you’ll also want to set clear boundaries with yourself about your actions. “Recognize when you’re overstepping your bounds, and set mental boundaries to prevent yourself from getting too involved in someone else’s personal affairs,” recommends Hafeez. Lastly, you’ll need to add trust to the equation, even if that doesn’t come naturally for you. “Support others in making their own decisions, even if you’re not sure they’ll make the “right” choice. Trust that their mistakes are part of their learning process,” she advises.
Bottom Line
The let them theory is the simple to think of–but more emotionally challenging to implement–notion that we will be happier people if we stop trying to exert control over other people. It suggests that rather than always offering advice, being invested in the outcomes of others’ lives, and feeling frustrated when people don’t make what we consider the “right” decisions, we instead step back and let them do as they will.
By separating ourselves from outcomes we can’t control, we can feel happier, more relaxed, and less frustrated with our relationships with others. You can implement this theory in a formal way through journaling, and if you aren’t ready for that, you could try just practicing it occasionally and seeing how it makes you feel differently than before. However you use it, the let them theory can help you be less invested in outcomes you can’t control.
