Morning friend,
There was a lot of good conversation around last week’s question. Christian women have been strongly advised to “fight for their man/marriage” when things are going bad. And that’s not bad advice if you know what you are fighting for and the best strategies to do it.
Fighting with him never leads to a loving, safe, peaceful outcome. Fighting for him, may… if you use the right strategy. A wife is described in the Bible as her husband’s helpmate. That word “helpmate (Ezer)” is a powerful word in the Hebrew language. It means “to rescue, to save, or even to be strong.” It does NOT mean to fawn, enable, or stay quiet and trust God while giving into your husband’s dysfunction and sin.
Therefore, what does a “loving-ezer” wife do when her husband is self-deceived, unhealthy, toxic, and destructive towards himself, towards her, their kids, their marriage, and God?
She gets herself strong enough to do what’s right, even if it costs her. Peter tells us if we “suffer for doing what is right it pleases God.” In 1 Peter 3:17, Peter isn’t telling wives to suffer foolishly or endure foolishness but to be strong enough to do what is right. And that may cost her some suffering.
For example, an ezer-wife speaks the truth in love, she does not pretend. She has boundaries that shield herself and her children against his dysfunctional/sinful behavior as much as is possible for her to do. She allows natural consequences to take place, including legal repercussions where indicated. She finds support from others to help her children get safe, stay safe, and grow strong. She says no to being manipulated or love-bombed with insincere words. Biblical love means you do what it takes to help the other become his or her best self (not enable, cover for, or protect the worst self). When you take those steps, reality says some men might wake up and be grateful for the strong, loving presence of a godly woman. Other men will turn to attack the messenger. Isn’t that what Jesus experienced?
Standing strong in godly love, versus caving into fear is tough, but that’s the only way to fight for the good of the other, yourself, and your marriage.
Today’s question is an addition to last week’s question. It gives you one strategy of how you learn to stand strong when you choose to stay in a destructive relationship.
Today’s question: I have gone through the Conquer journey and it was so helpful. My question is: When you detach so that you don’t keep getting treated poorly and are not shown any empathy, concern, or meeting me in my pain, do you let them know you are detaching and why, or just detach?
He betrayed me by having an emotional affair and porn. He has never met me in my pain, he wants me to not look back, only look at the good. He becomes very defensive, shifts blame deflects, and gaslights when I try to discuss anything concerning my hurt or pain. This has been going on for over 18 months. I chose to detach for my own sanity and health. He still wants physical contact and I just can’t. Am I wrong in that? There is no emotional intimacy and to me, the way he is treating me is emotional abuse. Please help.
Answer: You asked an important question because detaching can be a very helpful strategy for you, for him, and for your marriage. However, I think you may have misunderstood both the definition of detaching and its purpose. You said, “You’re detaching so you don’t keep getting treated poorly and continue not to be shown any empathy, concern, or care for you.”
Friend, detaching won’t change what he does or doesn’t do. Detaching has nothing to do with him. It’s something you do for you. You do it to stop “needing” anything from him for you to be okay, and for you to get and stay safe and strong.
You didn’t mention how long you’ve been married or whether porn and disregard for you have been a repeated pattern in his life and your marriage. You also gave no history of what he was like before this betrayal and whether he showed genuine care and empathy for you before this incident. You say he wants you to focus on the good. Was there good before you discovered this? When deciding the best strategy to take for our own welfare, the welfare of the other, and the family, it’s important to look at the big picture, not just the moment you are in.
If the history of your marriage shows that generally he’s been a good husband and right now he’s stuck in his shame of what he did and can’t talk about it, I’d probably be less likely to detach right now. As his ezer (helpmate) I’d remind him of the good man he once was and ask him what happened to that man. I might even say, “I miss that man.” I might say it’s hard to be close to him physically or emotionally when he’s so shut down.
However, if his lack of care for you and your needs/feelings has been a pattern throughout your marriage, even if you’re not sure whether porn or emotional affair has been a pattern, then detaching can be a helpful next step for you.
To detach means you let go of your expectations (hopes) of him being who you want him to be. Reality says people don’t change if they don’t want to change or make efforts to change. You accept (not like) he’s unwilling/incapable of meeting your needs for honesty, care, compassion, and connection. By detaching yourself, you no longer ask, expect, demand, hope, or wish that he will be different than he is. That he will show care. That he will stop lying. Or that he will suddenly “get it” and have empathy. Jesus says it best in Matthew 7:6 when he says, “Stop casting your pearls before swine because when you keep doing that, they will turn and trample you.”
Detaching is something you do for your well-being, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. You accept (without resentment) that you are not going to get some or any of your needs/wants met by him, even if he is still your spouse. He’s not going to understand. He’s not going to care like you want him to. He’s not going to explain. He’s not going to come clean. He’s not going to change his character into someone different.
He has made it clear that for now, he does not want to talk about what he’s done to hurt you. (Has that been a pattern in your marriage?) He does not want to feel his own shame or pain let alone acknowledge yours. Yet, like the husband from last week’s blog, he still wants you to care about his needs. And…maybe if you are choosing to stay married, you can decide to meet some of his needs with grace as his Ezer. Probably not his sexual needs as you’ve already mentioned, but perhaps his needs for a good meal, or for clean clothes. Perhaps you can meet his need for information about the finances, or children or grandchildren. Detaching doesn’t mean you don’t care about him or his needs at all. It means you have detached from expecting him to care about your needs. Detaching helps you stop pleading, begging, or guilt-tripping him and always feeling disappointed, angry, or rejected. Detaching helps you stop banging your head against a door that stays closed and locked. Detaching keeps you from getting repeatedly hurt because you have now learned to stop trying to make him be different than he has shown you he is.
Your question was: should you tell him you are making this shift? That’s up to you. I’d encourage to make a list for yourself of the benefits and risks of telling him. What will it give you if you tell him? What will it cost you if you tell him? Detaching is done for your benefit and strengthening so do what is best for you.
You don’t have to say anything because he will notice something has changed in you and your actions. He already has noticed when you have said no to intimacy. If he asks why, you can answer “I can’t pretend things are good between us when I don’t feel that way.” When you tell him that you declare your truth. It’s not up for debate. Don’t say more unless he becomes curious. And if he does become curious, ask him “Does it matter to you that I feel this way?” If not, drop the conversation. If he says yes, then you can continue with something like: “Are you ready to talk about what you have done that has deeply hurt me and our marriage?” In this way, as his ezer you are gently inviting him to self-reflect and decide – do I want to become a better man/husband here and care about what my wife says or needs? Or do I just want sex?
If he tells you, “I don’t want to talk about it” or “Why can’t you just let it go” or “Forgive and forget, the past is the past,” which are very typical things men who can’t or won’t talk about these things say, don’t argue. Don’t explain or defend. Just say, “It’s not that simple for me.” Or if you’ve been around that same merry-go-round before, say “OK” and stop talking.
Detaching means you no longer need/expect him to answer or understand. You no longer try to get him to get it. You no longer hope one more conversation takes you to a new place. You detach from those needs, dreams, aspirations and hopes for him and your marriage. Instead, you now accept and work with what is.
For some women, there are necessary realities (children, financial needs, medical insurance, etc) that keep them in the marital home even if the marriage feels dead. Hear me: It’s ok to not like what is, but detaching helps you accept it and live with it in a more peaceful way.
Detaching from him isn’t about not caring or loving him as Christ would have you love. It means you no longer expect that he is willing or capable of returning that love in a mutual relationship. And if he wants to use your body to meet his need for sex, with no care for you as a person, it’s okay for you to say no.
Friend: How has detaching from unrealistic expectations of your spouse or marriage helped you grow stronger? How has it impacted your spouse or marriage?
