UPDATED FOR 2025. I almost didn’t recognize myself. There I was, plotting with my cheating husband’s mistress to steal money from his bank account. I was acting like a sociopath, although at the time I didn’t know that my husband was a sociopath.
Before I married James Montgomery, I never would have considered such an action. But after he convinced me to blow $227,000 on his ridiculous business schemes, and after I discovered that my entire marriage was a scam, I was angry, broke and desperate. I did what I had to do to survive.
Maybe because of your own entanglement with a sociopath, you’ve found yourself doing things that you never, ever did before. This happened to “Stevie2018,” who posted her story in the Lovefraud Forum. Her boyfriend invited her to spend the night, and while she was there, he was texting another woman. She wrote:
I lost it, threw the phone at him, screamed a lot… then went to the garage and broke only the presents I gave him.. ie glasses for Xmas, crystal bowl for Father’s Day.
The boyfriend, of course, blamed her for violating his privacy (a typical sociopathic denial strategy). And Stevie2018 says she is embarrassed, because she’s never done anything like this in her life.
I’m ashamed, my self esteem in gone, and now he’s telling our friends I trashed his house… which I did not.
Read her entire post:
Am I the “crazy” one?, in the Lovefraud Forum.
Reacting to the sociopath
In response to Stevie2018’s question, no, no, no, she is not crazy. She also has no reason to feel embarrassed. Stevie2018 was simply reacting to the insanity and betrayal perpetrated by her sociopath boyfriend.
With their deception and manipulation, sociopaths do two things: They break all of the rules of social interaction, and they push us to the limits of our endurance. Whether we face physical danger, financial destruction or a complete loss of self, we reach the point where we must do whatever is necessary to save ourselves.
Sometimes that means bending or even breaking the rules, because we learn that the rules aren’t going to help us.
Sometimes it means flying into a rage. After tolerating so much abuse, we either have to release our emotions or self-destruct. We lash out in anger.
Anger, for normal people, is a scary emotion — probably because we have bad memories of being the brunt of someone else’s anger. But anger, when warranted, actually protects us. It spurs us into action — such as expelling the sociopath from our lives.
We are not sociopaths
When we do things that are so contrary to our nature, our actions surprise us. We wonder if we have become just as bad as our tormenter.
Yes, our behavior in particular situations may resemble that of a sociopath. But no, we have not turned into a sociopath. We are reacting to the sociopath’s provocation. They are at fault, not us.
I would not criticize anyone who has been targeted by a sociopath and reacts aggressively. However, I will say that sometimes it’s a tactical error. I’ve heard from plenty of people who were so angry that they finally hit the sociopath, and found themselves arrested for domestic violence. I’ve also heard from people who screamed at the sociopath in anger, only to learn that the sociopath recorded the tirade and used it against them.
Sociopaths can drive us to violate our own standards of behavior, but that does not mean we become sociopaths. How do we know? Because we feel badly about our actions. Sociopaths don’t.
The answer is to escape the disordered individual. Once the sociopath is out of our lives and we’re on the road to recovery, we will return to our regular selves.
Dealing with disorder
Dr. Liane Leedom addressed how to deal with disordered individuals and how they affect you in her Lovefraud webinar series, Skills for recovery from narcissistic abuse, gaslighting and toxic stress. She presented two basic survival principles, and here they are:
- Don’t make the situation worse
- Take small steps towards healing every day
Dr. Leedom pointed out that sociopaths intentionally provoke you so that you react badly. This enables them to gather ammunition to use against you. You don’t want that. Dr. Leedom teaches you how to calm yourself in crisis situations, deal effectively with the sociopath, and achieve lasting peace through mindfulness.
Sociopaths can control their behavior when they want to, but they will never fundamentally change. If this person has provoked you in the past and is still in your life, there’s a good chance he or she will do it again. You should learn skills to handle the situation, so you don’t end up acting like a sociopath. Not that he or she doesn’t deserve it. But there’s a good chance it won’t end well for you.
Did this happen to you?
Did you find yourself doing or saying things that were totally out of character for you because of your relationship with a sociopath? Please share your experience — and how you returned to your true character.
Learn more: FREE! Your first step towards real recovery from narcissistic abuse and trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on January 28, 2019.
