Have you ever been with someone who wasn’t ready to commit to you, only to watch from the sidelines as they committed to someone else not long after you parted ways? Sure, that may be because you weren’t a match for the long-term. Or, according to the taxi cab theory, it may be because that person hadn’t yet felt the moment was right for them to commit.
There’s a lot to be said about this theory, and we’ll be forthright that a lot of it isn’t good. It’s heteronormative, pretty sexist, and steeped strongly in misogyny. But it may have some bearing in reality for some people out there, so we took a deeper look.
Understanding the Taxi Cab Theory
The taxi cab theory is an idea that centers around men and claims that they commit, or not, based on timing. Relationship therapist Afton Turner, LPCA says “the taxicab theory explains when a man decides he is ready to get married, its like he is turning on his cab light—he is signaling that he’s available and open to commitment. At that point, it’s less about who he’s with and more about the timing; he’s ready to pick up the next waiting passenger and marry them.”
If that sounds problematic, you’re right: It is! Author of Open Monogamy; A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement, Tammy Nelson PhD, tells us that “the taxi cab theory is gender-specific, and not based on any research or psychological data. It is assuming heteronormative relationships where men decide to commit when they are ready to commit, regardless of who they are with.”
While studies have shown some differences between men and women in relationships, this paints an entire gender with a huge, vague brush. Of importance is the fact that this theory comes not from mental health or relationship professionals, but rather, from the tv show “Sex and the City.” Character Miranda says that “men are like cabs; when they’re available, their light goes on.”
Turner notes that the theory has proliferated as being only about men and their selection of partners, telling us that “we hear this framed specifically towards men—men drive the taxi. Which is harmful because it does not account for a woman’s choice in the matter, we choose what cab we get into.”
As far as how it compares to other theories, it simply isn’t a respected one because it’s so questionable. Says Nelson, “the taxi cab theory is overly simplistic and negates choice, attraction and a more conscious decision around partnership. It also implies that men are not choosing a partner based on their connection but rather go blindly into a relationship, regardless of their feelings.”
She adds that “this is almost as assumptive as portraying men as being ‘trapped’ into relationships before they are ready. Either way, it doesn’t give men much credit for planning their lives, or acknowledging who they are in love with, or who might be the best long-term match.”
Impact on Mental Health
You won’t be surprised to learn that this theory isn’t awesome for anyone’s mental health. It could lead to insecurity for women in heterosexual relationships who are worried that their partner didn’t choose them because of their attributes, but rather purely because of timing.
For men in hetero relationships, it could lead them to question whether their partner really is the one for them, or if the timing was just right.
For people dealing with stress around relationships and commitment timing, there are better answers than blaming the commitment element of your relationship on this theory. Turner tells us, “there’s plenty of pressure on both men and women to settle down.”
“Don’t compare your timeline to others or what you see on social media—your readiness and path will be different from those around you,” she says, adding that “it’s normal to feel a sense of longing or anticipation when seeing friends pass these milestones. Maintain confidence in your journey and expectations for your relationship.”
The taxi cab theory doesn’t have the ability to make for a successful relationship. Rather, those are founded on basic human decency traits, like being responsive to your partner. Communicating openly and sharing your feelings with your partner are also key.
Critiques and Limitations
This theory just isn’t one that explains the behavior of the bulk of people in their relationships. Afton suggests we don’t take this idea too seriously. “I’d say this is more of a dating theory, similar to looking at ghosting behavior, rather than a theory about committed relationships,” she says, adding that “it explains why a man might not be ready to commit, but it doesn’t address how he behaves within the relationship itself.”
Additionally, she says that “some may feel this theory oversimplifies relationship dynamics. It may justify why a man was not ready to commit to a relationship with you but may not explain how he interacts within the relationship.”
The taxi cab theory also doesn’t even begin to account for the fact that sometimes, women might choose commitment based on timing too. “Women also commit based on timing,” says Nelson. “I call it the musical chairs theory. When the time is right, when women are ready to settle into a relationship, when they begin to desire family and commitment, they may choose the partner they happen to be with at the time, if that person fits their requirements for a long term relationship.”
Lastly, by being so centered around heterosexual relationships and the role of the man, the theory negates the autonomy, or even existence, of those who fall outside the two-gender “norm,” such as nonbinary and gender-expansive people.
How You Can Use the Taxi Cab Theory
There is one way that we can use the taxi cab theory to understand our relationships better, and that’s to take a closer to look at our motives in relation to timing. Are we committing to a partner because we want to, or because we feel we’re getting old enough that we should? Are we itching to have a family, and just looking for someone to fit the bill who could raise kids with us?
“Most couples of childbearing age may go into a relationship wanting to start a family, and it can be a shock once children come,” Nelson says. She notes that “the romance, sexual desire, and excitement about the marriage or committed partnership may be put aside to focus on taking care of young children. Couples—that includes men, women, gay or straight, who are in this phase of life—may question their choices.”
She says “this is primarily due to the stress of having babies and feeling unprepared for shared parenting roles and household responsibilities.”
If you’re feeling pressured to start a family, it’s worth pausing and making sure your relationship is the right one for you. Turner recommends taking time for personal reflection. “Be aware of outside influences—friends and family’s opinions, expectations, and experiences don’t have to be yours.” She notes that “settling down isn’t about finding “someone” at the right time; it’s about finding the right person at the right time,” and says to “trust yourself, stay true to your needs, and remember that it’s okay to wait for a relationship that genuinely aligns with who you are.”
Whether the taxi cab theory has any merit or not, it’s fully possible to engage in healthy relationships regardless of their timing. If you’re worried the theory has impacted your relationship, don’t stress: Turner explains that it’s completely possible to have a healthy relationships even if the foundation was impacted by timing. “Explore dating each other again. Build new experiences, write down long and short term goals together. Take intentional steps and time to bond and rebuild your foundation,” she says.
The taxi cab theory isn’t one that’s going to make it into any pysch journals, but it’s a quirky pop culture based idea and should be treated accordingly.
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