What Your Texting Habits Say About Your Attachment Style

I once spent months obsessing over the perfect text messages to someone. He was movie-star handsome, ridiculously smart, and one of the most emotionally unavailable men I’ve ever dated. I was hooked. I thought my deep-but-not-too-desperate texts were bringing us closer, but in reality, it was a textbook case of fearful-avoidant attachment (me) crashing against avoidant attachment (him).

Spoiler: it didn’t end well. In fact, it barely started at all. During the final month of our talking, we tried to arrange a date when he casually dropped the bombshell that his new girlfriend might complicate our plans. That’s how disconnected we were! While I was workshopping every word I sent, he was quietly committing to somebody else.

Knowing what I know now, our texting styles were attachment theory in action. Classic to an avoidant attachment style, he planned perfect dates but then would ghost me afterward. True to my fearful-avoidant form, I was cautious about sharing who I was so I held back my feelings, unsure if I really wanted to be with him. We both weren’t secure enough to solidify our connection into something real.

How we do one thing is how we do many things. The way we message—whether we’re clingy, distant, all over the place, or consistent—can reveal a lot about our attachment style. Let’s explore what our texting style says about our attachment and how they shape our connection with others. Plus, what we can do to shift the conversation. 

Texting Styles And Attachment Patterns 

Attachment styles are developed based on our early childhood experiences. Our interactions with our caregivers shape how we move in intimate relationships. 

Broadly, we can fall into four categories:

• An anxious attachment style desires intimacy and closeness but struggles to feel worthy of love, leading to clingy and needy behavior. This might stem from an intense fear of abandonment or separation originating in childhood.
• On the other end, an avoidant attachment style pushes people away due to a fear of intimacy, dependence, and self-disclosure.
• A fearful-avoidant style blends elements of both anxious and avoidant tendencies, resulting in unpredictable behaviors.
• A secure attachment style feels safe and stable in relationships, so intimacy feels reliable. 

Let’s break down how each attachment style may text and how you can get on the same page texting-wise to avoid misunderstandings.

Anxious Attachment

• Texting style: Frequent texting, fast response time and expectations of the same, frequent initiator of conversations, paragraph-long messages, overanalyzing responses, and sometimes double (or triple or quadruple) messages. Anxiously attached texters might overanalyze delays in replies and assume the worst if they don’t receive a prompt response.

What It Looks Like

In between, sending memes and rereading the last few messages you sent to make sure it wasn’t coming across too intense or that you didn’t say anything wrong. You may also screenshot the message to your friends and ask for help reading between the lines. 

What It Feels Like

There’s a felt discomfort and anxiety that they’re looking for the receiver to soothe. There’s a sense of urgency, even desperation. The recipient might feel like they’re being too clingy and seeking constant validation that they don’t always have the time or desire to give.

Why It Happens

Anxious texters use texting as a way to seek reassurance and validation, often mistaking silence for rejection or abandonment.

What to Do

If you’re an anxious texter, take deep breaths and practice self-soothing techniques when there’s no immediate response. Set boundaries with yourself about how often you text and do your best to give yourself and others space and grace. Remember that your well-being and self-worth are not determined by the speed or content of anyone’s reply.

You can also communicate your anxieties around texting and collaborate on mutually supportive ways to proceed. In the meantime, channel your energy back into your life. Connect with your friends, practice mindfulness, and engage with other passions to fill your own cup.

Avoidant Attachment

• Texting style:  Minimal, sporadic, and infrequent communication. The texts may feel matter-of-fact and distant, lacking depth and closeness. Avoidant texters may take hours or days to respond, often keeping conversations light and surface level.

What It Looks Like

Most likely sent after a few days of leaving your texts on read.

What It Feels Like

Friendly, polite, but slightly removed. The receiver might feel like they’re not able to engage in more intimacy and push for more because communication is sparse. There’s a feeling that they’re walking on eggshells, uncertain about how much connection is welcome. 

Why It Happens

Avoidant texters rarely initiate and delay their response because they’re focused on their own life. They prioritize their independence and take care of their own needs first, often responding when it’s necessary or only when they’re ready. Emotional depth is usually avoided due to discomfort with vulnerability.

Avoidant attached texters may fear intimacy and infrequently text to maintain distance. They may also have a need for control and accomplish this by determining the frequency and depth of texting.

What to Do

If you’re an avoidant texter, set healthy boundaries early on. Let the other person know when you’re busy and your preferred texting cadence so they can know what to expect. Communicating how you feel, and the why behind your actions is an act of vulnerability that you can practice. If you value the feelings of someone you are texting who would appreciate more responsiveness, you can talk and work together to find a texting path forward that feels better for both of you.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: 

• Texting habits: Inconsistent communication patterns that oscillate between over-texting and radio silence.

What It Looks Like

What It Feels Like

Erratic and confusing. The receiver might feel like it’s hard to pin down exactly what’s going on. The texting relationship might be filled with ups and downs, hot and cold behavior, and mixed messages.

Why It Happens

Fearful-avoidant texters simultaneously crave closeness but are afraid of rejection, leading to a ping-pong, push-and-pull dynamic in their communication.

What to Do

If you’re a fearful-avoidant texter, you may overshare and then withdraw when you feel someone is getting too close. Swinging between extreme intimacy and hermiting can feel overwhelming for everyone involved. In those times, it can be crucial to pause to process your emotions and the feelings that are coming up. From there, instead of acting impulsively, you can practice choosing a more conscientious response. 

Secure Attachment

• Texting habits: Consistent, available, reliable, responsive, predictable, and clear communication. Frequent use of emojis to enhance their intentions and emotions.

What It Looks Like

What It Feels Like

Consistent, clear, and sometimes a little “boring” for the attachment styles who are used to a chase. Secure texters are clear about their intentions, are open and direct, and are comfortable communicating without overanalyzing texts that are sent or received. Because of these characteristics, it can feel safe and easy for the receiver to engage and text with.

Why It Happens

Secure texters feel regulated in the face of intimacy. They aren’t looking for validation with responses, so they put their cards on the table. They respond promptly since they aren’t interested in playing games and pursuing a connection with someone who can’t give them what they know they can offer.

What to Do

If you’re a secure texter, keep leading with confidence. Be honest about what you want in relationships and if you’re dating an avoidant or anxious person, be upfront about your boundaries so you don’t overcompensate while they’re growing to become more secure. (Psst. Expert tip: If you’re anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant, I suggest playing off of secure attachment behaviors as you text if you’re looking to cultivate more intimacy. A secure attachment style is the foundation of a healthy relationship!)

Keep in Mind

Texting isn’t just a communication tool, it can also be a window into how we approach love and relationships. When done with intention, mindfulness, and care, we can have strong and meaningful connections with others. By understanding the attachment patterns that motivate the nuances of our texting style, we can deepen our empathy and understanding of ourselves and each other.