8 Signs Your Partner Is Probably Mad at You

Look, I’ve done it and I bet you’ve done it too. Something your partner did makes you A-N-G-R-Y. But instead of simply saying, “I’m super freaking angry at you,” you do…other things. If you’re like me, you stand at the kitchen counter fuming while chopping onions for tonight’s dinner. Or maybe instead of sharing your anger about the specific things that are bothering you, you start getting annoyed by literally every tiny thing your partner does. I mean, even their breathing is infuriating.

If you can relate, you are far from alone. Most of us don’t spell it out when angry or upset. Instead, we drop more subtle signs. Why do we do this? And how to best break through the shenanigans and talk more directly about how we are feeling? Here, we’ll answer these questions, and more. We’ll get to the bottom of how to recognize that your partner is angry and what to do about it.

Why Recognizing Signs Of Upset Is Important

It can be easy to see some possible signs of anger in your partner and want to just blow it off or wait for it to go away. But it’s important to learn to recognize—and also address—signs of anger or upset in your partner.

Maintaining a strong and connected bond with your partner requires that you learn to recognize their different emotional states, including when they are angry, says J Cangialosi, LCPC, a therapist at Relief Mental Health. “Over time, unresolved emotions can cause miscommunication, resentment, and a breakdown in trust if left unchecked,” he explains. “Being aware enables you to take proactive measures to resolve problems, demonstrating to your partner your appreciation for both their emotional health and the relationship overall.”

When you aren’t able to recognize and discuss signs of anger in your partner, you risk becoming less connected and less able to understand each other. “I once worked with a client who felt deeply hurt when their partner forgot to take out the trash,” Erin Weinstein, LCSW, CHT, a licensed psychotherapist, shares. “This seemingly small act triggered deeply ingrained beliefs that ‘I can’t rely on anyone’ and ‘I have to do everything myself.’”

Over time, this narrative led the partner to further disconnect from their partner, and for anger and resentment to build and build. But once the partners were able to unpack the meaning of this narrative—and the impact it had—they were able to reconnect, understand each other better, and support each other more deeply, says Weinstein.

8 Signs Your Partner May Be Upset

There are many different possible ways that a partner may show that they are angry, mad, or upset with you. Sometimes these signs are subtle, and sometimes they are more overt. It’s important to keep in mind that people express their anger in unique ways, and the way they express anger may change over time.

Overperforming

One sign that isn’t commonly spoken about and can be easily missed is the act of overperforming, says Weinstein “Perhaps they are becoming hyper-busy with household tasks or work,” she describes. “They seem to feel as if they do not have time for anything else.” This type of behavior can be a clue that the partner may be trying to manage difficult emotions, she says.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling can be a sure sign that a partner is feeling angry or upset, says Melissa Legere, LMFT, clinical director and co-founder of California Behavioral Health. “This is when they suddenly go quiet, stop engaging in conversation or just seem emotionally unavailable,” she explains. “It’s like they’ve put up a wall between you.” Your partner may also respond with short, clipped answers, or even stop talking altogether, Legere says.

Reduced Affection

An angry partner may clam up, and you may notice a marked decrease in various forms of affection. “Noticing a lack of physical touch, compliments or verbal expressions of love tend to be a less subtle sign that your partner is upset or mad,” says Cangialosi.

Active Avoidance

Another sign your partner is angry with you is that they will be actively avoiding interacting with you. “Maybe they’re spending more time in another room, finding excuses to stay busy, or even canceling plans you’d normally do together,” shares Legere. “It’s like they’re trying to put physical or emotional space between you.”

Irritability and Criticism

An uptick in annoyance, irritability, and critique is an indication of upset and anger. “A sure sign of discontentment in a partner with behaviors such as snapping or suddenly focusing on flaws,” Cangialosi says.

Changes in Body Tone and Body Language

Your partner’s body language is likely to change when they are mad. “Maybe their words seem normal—but the way they say them feels cold, sarcastic or dismissive,” Legere notes. They might also avoid eye contact, cross their arms, or have a tense posture that doesn’t match up with what they’re saying, she adds.

Change in Communication and Sharing

If you and your partner normally share anecdotes about your day or are just generally chatty, a sign that your partner is harboring anger is that this communication will change. “When a partner is angry, they may be less inclined to share daily highlights or spend time in what were typically shared activities,” says Cangialosi.

Unusually Short-Tempered

An angry partner is apt to get upset or easily angered over even the smallest things. “They might snap at you for something that normally wouldn’t bother them,” Legere says. “This can happen when they’re upset, but can’t fully express what’s really bothering them.” When this happens, even the little things start to feel a whole lot bigger deal than they should, Legere explains.

Why Partners Don’t Always Express Anger Directly

For many of us, it can be a mystery as to why our partners don’t just come out and tell us directly when they are angry or upset. Legere explains that often, partners simply don’t know how to put their feelings into words just yet. Moreover, they may be anxious about how you will react. “Maybe they don’t want to start an argument or feel like it’s easier to let things go—even if it’s bothering them,” she says.

Additionally, Cangialosi says, partners don’t always directly express anger “due to fear of conflict, not wanting to seem overly emotional, or a belief that their feelings might not be validated.” Past experiences or learned behavior may also impact their ability to communicate overtly, he shares.

Acknowledging that there isn’t always ill intent behind your partner’s behavior can help with how you view what’s happening, Legere suggests. “Recognizing this can help you approach the situation gently and with understanding,” she describes.

Strategies for Effective Communication When Your Partner Is Upset

So what can you do when your partner is clearly upset, but isn’t ready to talk about what’s going on directly? It can be a tough place for you to be in as a partner. But there are a few tactics you can try to help ease tensions and make your partner more willing to open up to you.

Here a few key suggestions from Cangialosi:

Create a Safe Space

Try to create a space in which your partner will feel okay sharing their feelings. “Always conduct yourself with an attitude of openness and kindness with your partner,” Cangialosi recommends. “Approach your partner with a calm tone, letting them know that you are ready to listen without judgement.”

Use “I Statements”

Using “I statements” is a communication approach where you talk about how you are feeling, rather than addressing the other person directly. “This is a tried and true technique as it involves only speaking about yourself and your feelings, rather than assuming what your partner is thinking or feeling,” Cangialosi explains.

Validation

Validation is the name of the game. “Acknowledging your partner’s feelings, even if you see things differently, will go a long way in resolving issues,” says Cangialosi. You don’t have to fully understand a person’s feelings—or even feel comfortable with them—to acknowledge that they are real and valid.

Anger Vs. Controlling or Abusive Behavior

Learning to identify signs of anger in a partner is imperative, because it helps us understand what they are feeling and allows us to be more empathetic and understanding. That said, there’s a fine line between a partner being upset or angry about something vs. exhibiting controlling or abusive behavior. Abusive and controlling behavior should not be tolerated, period.

Sometimes it can be challenging to tell the difference, though. Legere shared some insights: “An upset partner usually has a valid reason for their feelings—even if it’s hard to understand at first.” These emotions are not constant and they shouldn’t feel targeted to you. Instead, they should be more like a reaction to something more specific. “With an upset partner, there’s usually room for discussion and things can be worked through,” Legere emphasizes.

Abusive behavior looks different. In this case, you will feel constantly drained by your partner’s anger, like things just never can be made right. “It’ll feel like a never-ending cycle of manipulation/criticism, and you’ll start to feel like you’re always walking on eggshells,” Legere  describes. “The behavior might seem like it’s about their feelings, but it often takes a turn into trying to control you/damage your sense of self.”

Tips for Maintaining Healthy Relationship Despite Conflicts

Being able to recognize when your partner is angry with you is important. But it’s just the start. Managing conflicts in a relationship is not optional, because as much as we’d like to wish them away, conflicts are going to arise in relationships. The key is being able to navigate them honestly and with understanding.

Keep in Mind

It’s totally common and understandable that when we feel angry or upset, we don’t always feel ready to spell it out for our partners. Learning to recognize signs that our partner is angry is necessary and can be the key to developing deeper empathy for what our partner is going through.

But empathy is a two-way street, and it’s important that both parties involved learn to be open and honest about what they are feeling. Sometimes this means getting help from a mental health professional, such as a couples therapist. Either way, learning to manage conflicts in a relationship is essential, and doing so will deepen and strengthen your bond.