6 Common Eye Contact Mistakes You Might Be Making

What if we said the best way to create authentic connections isn’t by being honest with one another or actively listening to each other (though, these things are uber important, too), but by making eye contact? Eye contact is often overlooked, but is arguably a great skill for building authentic relationships. It’s not something you should overthink—no need to add another item to your “stress about” list—but putting a little extra care in the way you look at others offers compounding benefits. Below, we’re covering all the ins and outs of great eye contact and highlighting some common eye contact mistakes many of us are guilty of. 

Understanding Eye Contact as a Skill 

It may seem like such a small thing, but eye contact is a skill that, once honed, is very powerful. Eye contact shows that we’re paying attention and we’re listening attentively, that we’re confident and trustworthy, and fosters a sense of respect. Eye contact also subtly conveys our emotions and thoughts, whether it’s joy, affection, concern, or curiosity. 

“In both social and professional settings, eye contact can be seen as an important aspect because it builds trust, rapport, and understanding between individuals,” notes Michelle Dees, a board-certified psychiatrist. “It depicts focus and genuineness, hence enabling the other party to feel important and listened to.”

Studies have found that great eye contact makes us come across as more trustworthy, confident, intelligent, and even more memorable.

Common Eye Contact Mistakes

Similar to other skills, eye contact is something you can develop over time with a little practice. The first step is acquainting yourself with some common eye contact mistakes so you can avoid them. 

Avoiding Eye Contact Altogether 

One of the biggest mistakes people make is avoiding eye contact entirely. Often, this happens simply because it feels awkward to look someone else in the eyes. Research has also found that those with social anxiety disorder have a marked fear of direct eye contact.

Still, it can come across poorly when we’re engaging with another. “Whether it’s due to shyness, nerves, or simply feeling awkward, avoiding eye contact can unintentionally signal disinterest, insecurity, or even dishonesty,” notes therapist April Crowe, LCSW.

Staring/Intense Eye Contact 

On the opposite end of the spectrum, making really intense eye contact or staring can be a bit jarring for the person you’re looking at. “As humans, we expect natural breaks in gaze, so when this doesn’t happen, we start to question [intentions],” says Sophia Spencer, a social psychologist and mental health therapist.

Focusing on Non-Facial Areas

Those who tend to avert eye contact may find themselves inadvertently shifting focus away from the other person’s eyes. For example, maybe you gaze at their forehead or hands. Again, this can come across as rude since it may signal that you’re bored, not paying attention, or are fixated on another part of their body. It can also make the other person feel self-conscious about the area you’re staring at. 

Darting Eyes 

In another attempt at avoiding eye contact, you may find your eyes darting around from one object to the next. “When your eyes constantly shift around—looking at the floor, the ceiling, or everything but the person you’re talking to—it gives the impression that you’re distracted or anxious,” Crowe notes. 

Forgetting Cultural Differences

Keep in mind that eye contact norms vary significantly from one culture to the next. “In many Western cultures, direct eye contact is valued as a sign of confidence and engagement,” Spencer says. “However, in some other cultures, prolonged eye contact may be considered disrespectful or confrontational, particularly with elders.”

Zeroing-In on One Person

In group settings, it’s easy to accidentally zero-in on one person and forget to switch your gaze to someone else. Depending on the situation, this can make the primary receiver a bit uncomfy, and it may make others feel like they’re being ignored or aren’t as important. Distribute your gaze evenly across all participants, so everyone feels included in the interaction. 

Tips on Improving Eye Contact 

Before you give yourself a hard time or find yourself tossing and turning at night because of that weird eye contact interaction you recently had, know that all the above mistakes are very common and not done intentionally. More importantly, Crowe reminds us that they’re also pretty easy to work on with a little self-awareness and practice. Here are some quick ways to improve your eye contact game. 

• Try the Triangle Method: “Imagine a triangle on the person’s face, with points at their two eyes and mouth. Shift your gaze between these points to maintain natural eye contact,” suggests Megan Drummond, BBA, an integrative psychotherapist. 
• Use the 50/70 rule: This rule creates a guidepost for how much eye contact you should make to avoid both staring and averting, Dees explains. The goal is to maintain eye contact 50% of the time while speaking and 70% while listening. This balance enhances conversational flow and helps build stronger connections.
• Use peripheral awareness: This is a good one for those who struggle with maintaining eye contact. “If direct eye contact feels intense, use your peripheral vision to observe their eyes while focusing on their face as a whole,” Drummond advises. 
• Practice on screens: While watching TV or videos on your phone, practice maintaining eye contact with the characters or speakers. “This builds comfort in a low-pressure setting,” explains Drummond. 
• Use other nonverbal communication: Engaging in other nonverbal communication alongside eye contact can help your interactions feel much more natural, Dees says. This includes nodding, smiling, and slightly leaning forward.

Eye contact is a super powerful tool that, when wielded well, can make a big difference in your social interactions. Nobody’s perfect, so don’t stress it too much. Still, with a little time and practice, mastering this skill can open doors to more meaningful and engaging interactions.