How to Cultivate Healthy Friendships After Divorce

To say that divorce is a time of major change and upheaval would be the understatement of the century. But what many people don’t realize is that divorce can change not only your marriage and family, but your friendships, too. “Divorce is often a turning point in friendships,” says Michelle English, LCSW, the co-founder and executive clinical manager at Healthy Life Recovery.

As you navigate divorce, it’s common to have questions and concerns about your friendships. “Individuals who recently split off from their spouses can be concerned about how their social interactions will be impacted as a result of their new situation,” English shares. Recent divorcées may be anxious about being left out of couples get-together or being seen differently by their old friends, English says.

Concerns like these are totally valid, but you have some power in this situation. Divorce can impact your friendships, but it can also be an opportunity to take stock of which friendships mean the most to you, and to find out which friends have your back no matter what. It can also be an opportunity to branch out and make new friends.

Here, we’ll dive into friendships after divorce, including strategies for navigating old friendships, making new friends as a divorced person, and more.

Understanding the Impact of Divorce on Friendships

There’s no denying that divorce tends to reshape your friendships, especially the friendships you and your ex shared, says Shari Leid, a mindset coach, friendship expert, and national speaker at Imperfectly Perfect Life.

“It’s hard not to feel betrayed when a friend stays close to your ex,” she says. “Suddenly, you question if you can confide in them without worrying that they will share your thoughts with your former spouse.” Worse yet, you may wonder if the friend is discussing you with your ex behind your back, Leid says.

Kiana Shelton, LCSW, a therapist with Mindpath Health, agrees that divorce can have an overall strong impact on your friendships. But how much of an impact it has depends in part on your friends themselves, including how they perceive the situation and their own emotional maturity, she explains. In this vein, divorce can often illuminate for us which of our friends are “keepers” and which may just not be the best match for us after-all.

“Many divorced individuals often note that during this journey there is a real discovery of who their ‘true friends’ are,’” says Shelton.

Assessing Your Social Circle

The post-divorce period can be thought of as a time to do a reassessment of your social circle. You can do this by assessing your friends in terms of how supportive they are, as well as how loyal they are to you in your time of need.

What’s the best way to figure this out? According to English:

• Loyal, supportive friends “are those who empathize, do not engage in gossip about your life, do not pry into what is currently a sensitive topic, and remain loyal through the stages of your life”
• Disloyal, non-supportive friends tend to “distance themselves, take the side of your former partner, and say hurtful or unfair things to you that sabotage your recovery instead of encouraging you to see the bright side”

Identifying which of your friends are supportive vs. not supportive is vital because divorce is a time of crisis, and having a supportive network is essential to get you through this period. “Knowing who is supportive vs. unsupportive is critical in ensuring you have a safe emotional space for processing grief, navigating new routines, and maintaining a sense of connection,” says Shelton.

Strategies for Navigating Friendships Post-Divorce

Figuring out how to manage your friendships after divorce can be tricky. That’s why it’s important to have a strategy for how to manage them. Here are some expert tips:

Managing Inconsiderate Friends

Navigating the friends you share with your ex can get sticky at times, and sometimes your mutual friends will be less than considerate. English advises recent divorcées to share their feelings and requests with their friends as openly as possible.

“For example, you can say, ‘I understand that you have a good relationship with both of us, and I do not take that lightly; however, I would kindly ask that everyone be considerate of me during this period,’” she recommends.

Encourage Mutual Friends to Remain Neutral

It’s not always possible, but when it is, it’s best if your mutual friends try to remain as neutral as possible at this time. “Encourage these friends to remain neutral while reassuring them that neutrality entails and does not equate to betrayal,” English advises. “When you see someone who is beginning to be overly enthusiastic in telling tales with respect to your ex, you can politely tell them, ‘I’d prefer not to talk about what [ex’s name] is doing at the moment.’”

Accept That You May Lose Some Friends

Leid is a recent divorcée herself and has found that having a clear-eyed view of her friendships—and accepting her friends for who they are—has been pivotal. “After finalizing my divorce this past year, after 27 years of marriage, I knew going into the divorce process that I would lose some friends,” she says.

She explains that she made a conscious choice not to dictate who her friends should or shouldn’t keep in their lives, and to simply observe which friendships remained strong and authentic, realizing those were her true friends. “Fortunately, most of my friendships withstood the divorce and even became closer friends, while others faded naturally,” she shares.

Rebuilding and Maintaining Friendships

For many people, divorce is a time where you start to rebuild and strengthen your current friendships, reconnect with old friends—and when you are ready, add some new friends into the mix.

English shared some tips for this period of friendships renewal:

• Be mindful that restoring friendship after a divorce takes time and effort
• Consider contacting friends you’ve lost touch with to share that you’d like to rekindle the friendship.
• For friends that you’ve been in touch with but would like more contact with, start by texting them simple questions like “How are you doing” every once in a while to show you care and would like to connect more often.
• Keep in mind that making new friends can be scary, but the reality is that it can be fun.
• Consider expanding your friendship network by attending hobby clubs, sporting activities, or community social events; online friendship apps like Meetup or Bumble BFF can be helpful too.

Special Considerations for Parents

It’s well known that divorce can have a profound impact on kids—from increased risk of engaging in risky sexual behaviors, to an increased risk of raising their own family in an unstable environment. But children of divorce can also be incredibly resilient, especially when their parents are mindful and considerate of them as they navigate divorce.

If you are a parent navigating friendships after divorce, it’s important to keep your kids’ needs in mind as much as your own. In essence, you don’t want to focus so heavily on juggling friendships that you forget to maintain and strengthen your relationship with your kids, English advises.

But it’s not essential to only have friends who are fellow single parents. The point is that you want to focus on friends who understand what it means for you to be a parent as well as a friend, and who are able to support you in this momentous life transition.

Dealing With Awkward Situations

Let’s face it: friendships after divorce can be mega-awkward at times! “Awkward situations are almost unavoidable, but some preparation can save you from discomfort,” English assures.

If a Friend is Unaware of Your Divorce

If you bump into a friend who is unaware that you got divorced, some awkward moments are inevitable. That’s why it can be helpful to have a short, simple, scripted statement in mind to deliver, Shelton recommends.

Here’s an example from Shelton:

‘We’ve decided to part ways. While we’re still learning how to navigate all the changes, we are [or I am] committed to creating a respectful and supportive environment for everyone involved as we move forward.'”

Navigating Social Events

It can also be extremely uncomfortable if you have to attend social events with your ex. English recommends setting up intentions and a game-plan beforehand.

“Focus on your own behavior—approach the situation with grace and choose to sit near supportive individuals,” she says. “It’s also okay to politely excuse yourself from scenarios that feel emotionally draining.”

The Bottom Line

It’s completely natural and understandable to have concerns about how divorce will impact your friendships. Although most people are able to navigate these concerns through open, honest dialogue with friends, and seeking out friends who are loyal and supportive, sometimes you need a little extra help. If you are having trouble with your friendship after a divorce, it may be helpful to meet with a licensed therapist for tips and support.