Happy New Year! January is a time for new beginnings. Maybe you have defined some goals for yourself. Or perhaps like me, you have chosen a word for the year and have invited God to speak into your life in ways you may not expect. Intentionality is important in order to achieve true success. Starting off the year with a good plan will help you end the year well come December 31. In my time of reflection on 2024, I realized something got in the way of my previous goals. This year I am diving a little deeper into what is really holding me back and causing me to choose to live distracted and hold on to clutter. It can be challenging work to look into the heart and to get honest about motivations and driving values. I pray for you a strong start to 2025 that will lead to an overall joyous year.
Let’s start the year off with a bold discussion on a topic that affects many Christian marriages but is not talked about openly. So let’s go there. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Today’s Question: Does a husband who has accepted a “happy ending” at a massage count as cheating? Have the marriage vows been broken?
Susan’s Response: Thank you for this very sensitive question. It may be surprising to some of our readers that this is an issue affecting Christian marriages today. In my experience working with couples and individuals, it is a relevant topic that is causing harm to many. However due to the illegal nature of “happy endings” in massage therapy, accurate statistics are difficult to establish. According to information I found, the illicit massage industry is estimated to generate billions of dollars annually in the United States alone. Some experts claim it could be as high as a quarter of the overall massage service industry revenue. It seems quite likely that massage parlors offering “happy endings” are involved in human trafficking. This is a problem.
I don’t know what is behind the question you are asking or who you are asking for. Perhaps you are the husband in question or maybe you are a woman wondering about the integrity of your marriage. Either way, it is curious to me that the word “accepted” is used in the query. This makes it seem more innocuous to just accept something offered rather than seeking out an appointment at a business that would offer such services.
Both licensed massage therapists and certified massage therapists must operate under strict ethical codes. In most jurisdictions, those ethical codes prohibit sexual contact between the client and professional. Regulated, upstanding massage therapy businesses do not offer sexual services. Certainly given its prevalence, anyone could find sexual services being offered by doing some research or asking around. How likely is it that a mature, intelligent person just happens upon such a place unknowingly and is offered hand release for payment? Isn’t an adult male capable of resisting the temptation by saying no without accepting such an offer?
Marriage vows are promises of love, commitment, and faithful dedication between two willing people. While scriptural verses often inspire Christian wedding ceremonies and marital vows, there are no specific wedding vows in the bible. Each couple gets to decide what promises will be made. When you married, were you and your spouse intentional about your vows or did you recite words that were given to you by someone else? Was sexual fidelity part of your commitment to one another?
Throughout history, human cultures have attempted to reinvent and reshape the construct of marriage. People enter into marriage with varying expectations and through different expressions. Through a Christian lens, God’s unshakeable, immoveable intention for marriage is recorded throughout the bible. With careful study, we can know His heart.
Genesis 2:18 records God’s words, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper fit for him.” After Adam acknowledges the close relationship the woman has to him, God says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” The man and wife were both naked and unashamed. God didn’t create women just so men are not lonely but more specifically to develop a partnership in the responsibility God has given humankind. In the beginning the relationship between man and woman was pure and God ordained.
There are themes in scripture about the purpose of a godly, covenant marriage. Those are, fostering procreation and the birth of new believers, the joy and growth that comes from deep, vulnerable intimacy, and the modeling of love through the marital story which points toward Christ and His church. We are meant to reflect the image of God and advance His kingdom. The marriage partner is to help you carry out the mission. The action in question, the happy ending by a non spouse, does not fit within the covenant of marriage.
Sexual integrity is an important part of creating a trusting marital relationship. In Matthew 19, Jesus talks about sexual immorality being a reason a marriage might end. He did not order divorce in cases of sexual infidelity, but because of the severity of harm, He did note it as a reason for it.
Matthew 5:27 reads, “You have heard that it was said, You shall not commit adultery.” What does Jesus say? He adds in verse 28, “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Jesus looks at the heart and He holds us accountable accordingly.
To answer the question in one word, yes. The Christian covenant of marriage has been broken. Can it be repaired? This is a complex question that can not be answered in a word. Each couple must determine the outcome of such damage to the relationship and decide how to proceed. In order for the possibility for trust to be rebuilt, the offending spouse would have to do some deep heart work to assure that his offense would not happen again. Also, full responsibility for harm would need to be taken and a true apology carried out. Depending on the specific circumstances, the damage might be too great. Each person must decide that with the help of God. I suggest each get professional support and Holy Spirit guidance before making any lasting decisions.
Be Well!
Beloved reader, How has this topic of infidelity impacted trust and the sexual integrity of your relationship?
