Dear Beloved Reader,
As a coach here on Leslie’s team, my heart is to cultivate a space where every woman in our community feels seen, supported, and equipped for growth. Recently, we received a question from one of you that caused me to press pause and raise my hand to answer it. Why? Because of how deeply it speaks to the experiences of so many women. She shared:
Question: I recently saw a list of characteristics—possibly on your blog—that might make women a target for abuse. The question may have been, ‘Am I a magnet to abusive men?’ I related to many of the traits and wanted to share them with my counselor as something to work on, but I can’t seem to find the list again. Could you help me?
Thank you for being a helpful presence during these difficult times.
LeAnne’s Response: Dear sister, let’s explore this together with curiosity and grace, knowing that God desires healing and wholeness for all of us. At the start of each year, many of us spend a great deal of time and energy reflecting, and reclaiming.
Friend, your words embody the kind of courage and curiosity that lead to real change. And as I thought about and prayed through your question, I am aware that this isn’t just your story—it’s a question many of us wrestle with when we’re trying to make sense of hurtful relationships.
Today, let’s revisit that topic, not just to provide a list as you mentioned, but to offer tools and insights that can empower you and every woman in this community. Together, we’ll explore how to discern patterns, protect your heart, and walk confidently in the worth God has given you. Let’s dive in.
Reframing the Question
Are You a Magnet for Abuse?
The word “magnet” can feel heavy and self-blaming. Abuse is always the responsibility of the person choosing to harm—it’s not something you attract or deserve. Instead, let’s ask: Are there patterns, beliefs, or traits in my life that might make me more vulnerable to staying in unhealthy or abusive relationships?
Some of these “traits” might sound familiar. The good news is, many of them are rooted in strengths like compassion, empathy, and a desire for peace. When paired with strong boundaries, these qualities can be part of what makes you a resilient, thriving woman.
Traits to Consider
- Empathy: Feeling others’ pain and wanting to help, even at your own expense.
- Reframe: Your empathy is a beautiful gift. When paired with boundaries, it allows you to care for others without losing yourself.
- Conflict Avoidance: Seeking peace and harmony, sometimes at the cost of your own needs or safety.
- Reframe: Conflict can be a pathway to clarity and deeper connection when approached wisely.
- Struggles with Self-Worth: Doubting your value may lead to tolerating mistreatment.
- Reframe: God says you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Your worth isn’t defined by how others treat you.
- Over-Accommodating: Giving and giving, believing it’s selfish to prioritize your own needs.
- Reframe: Prioritizing yourself is an act of stewardship. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
- Minimizing Problems: Downplaying red flags to avoid facing difficult truths.
- Reframe: Honesty about a problem is the first step toward resolving it.
- Fear of Being Alone: The fear of rejection or abandonment might keep you in relationships that aren’t safe.
- Reframe: God promises to never leave or forsake you. You are never truly alone (Deuteronomy 31:6).
- Focusing on Potential Over Reality: Seeing who someone could be, even when their current behavior is harmful.
- Reframe: Love sees the present clearly while praying for the future wisely.
- Struggles with Boundaries: Saying “no” feels uncomfortable, so you often let others take more than they should.
- Reframe: Boundaries protect your heart and reflect the value God has placed in you.
Navigating Grey Areas
Relationships often have moments of tension or conflict that can be hard to interpret. Understanding the “grey areas” can help you discern patterns. For example:
Scenario: Your spouse gets upset and says, “You never do anything right. I don’t even know why I bother.”
Key Question to Ask Yourself:
- Is this a one-time reaction in a moment of stress, or is it a pattern of belittling behavior?
Healthy Frustration: A one-time occurrence with a follow-up apology: “I’m sorry I said that. I was overwhelmed, and I didn’t mean it.”
Verbal Abuse: A recurring pattern of belittling comments meant to demean or control.
If it’s recurring, name the behavior and set clear expectations. Here are some ways to address it:
- Directly Name the Behavior: “When you speak to me like that, it’s hurtful. I need respectful communication if we’re going to continue this conversation.”
- Express the Impact: “I feel diminished when you say things like that. It’s not okay, and I need us to communicate in a way that builds trust and respect.”
- Set a Boundary: “If this kind of language continues, I’ll need to step away until we can speak respectfully to one another.”
- Clarify Expectations: “I won’t accept being spoken to in a way that tears me down. I value healthy communication and need that in our relationship.”
Stay calm: Your tone matters. A calm response reinforces your boundary.
Follow through: If the behavior persists, take action, like stepping away or seeking help.
Seek support: For ongoing issues, involve a counselor, support group, coach, or trusted mentor to help navigate the situation.
By clearly naming the behavior and calmly stating your needs, you create space for healthier communication while protecting your emotional well-being.
Steps You Can Take Right Now
You don’t have to wait for everything to feel “fixed” to start moving forward. Here are a few small but powerful steps you can take today:
- Notice Your Feelings: Pay attention to how you feel around others.
- Set One Small Boundary: Start with something simple, like saying, “I need a little time before I can give you an answer.” Boundaries are like muscles—they get stronger with use.
- Journal About Patterns: What drew you in? What kept you there? What do you want to do differently moving forward?
- Lean Into God’s Truth: Your worth isn’t defined by how others treat you. God says you are loved, chosen, and enough. Dive into His word and discover your God-given worth and value.
Final Encouragement
Sisters, If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. Many women have walked this road and found freedom, healing, and strength in Christ. You can too. Healing and growth take time, but each small step you take matters.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made, and God is with you in every step, every question, and every moment of growth. You are not defined by your past or the patterns you’ve noticed. Instead, as Ephesians 2:10 reminds us:
“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.”
God sees you as His masterpiece, created with love and purpose. I believe in the incredible strength God is cultivating in you. Keep going—you’re worth it.
Have you ever struggled with setting a boundary in a relationship? What’s one small step you could take this week to honor your heart and invite God’s wisdom into the process?
