How Enneagram Types Influence Relationships

Are you and your partner really a one true pair if you haven’t tested the compatibility of your Enneagram personality type? It sounds out there but it’s true! Knowing your Enneagram type is *key* to understanding others and improving relationships, from friendships to work relationships, romantic relationships, and even familial relationships. And don’t just take our word for it.

Steve Carleton, LCSW, CAS, clinical social worker and chief clinical officer at Porch Light Health says understanding Enneagram types “can improve individuals’ understanding of each other, which can result in better communication, fewer arguments, and more closeness between individuals.”

Knowing your Enneagram type doesn’t just improve your relationships, but also your personal development, too. Carleton says understanding your personality type helps you recognize your strengths and weaknesses, making it easier to handle conflict and communication. In a nutshell, knowing (and recognizing!) your Enneagram type makes you a better person, which, in turn, makes you a better worker, friend, partner, sibling, etc.

Interesting in learning more? Read on to find everything you need to know about Enneagram types and how they influence relationships’ compatibility.

Understanding the Enneagram Types

When you think about it, each of us has our own unique vibe or temperament. But many of us have certain personality traits in common. That’s the basic tenant behind the idea of personality types, which are ways of describing different aspects of a person’s disposition, behavioral patterns, attitudes, and outlooks.

What Is the Enneagram Type System?

There are various personality type classification systems, but a popular one is the Enneagram type. Broken down into nine basic types, the Enneagram system has been used in popular psychology since the 1970s by both psychologists and trained Enneagram experts and teachers. Although research on its validity is slim, some studies have found Enneagram typing to be beneficial for personal and spiritual growth. In other words, Enneagram types can help us understand ourselves on a deeper level.

“Recognizing Enneagram types in ourselves and others is a way to decode a map of emotional landscapes,” explains Dakari Quimby, PhD, a clinical psychologist for HelpGuide Handbook. “It reveals what may influence our fears, desires, and behaviors.” Understanding these aspects can help us conceptualize what drives our actions, help us appreciate our strengths, and foster more positive engagement with others, Quimby shares.

The Nine Core Enneagram Types

Each Enneagram personality type is linked with a basic fear, a basic desire, and a distinct behavioral pattern in response to stress and security or insecurity. Understanding this helps us zero in on the motivators of our behaviors and gain insight into our psychological make-up.

The nine core Enneagram types are as follows:

• Type 1: The Reformer (sometimes referred to as “The Perfectionist”)
• Type 2: The Helper
• Type 3: The Achiever
• Type 4: The Individualist
• Type 5: The Investigator
• Type 6: The Loyalist
• Type 7: The Enthusiast
• Type 8: The Challenger
• Type 9: The Peacemaker

Influence of Enneagram Types on Relationships

Research has found that understanding Enneagram types can promote increased tolerance for diversity, better communication skills, and a more positive attitude in the workplace, all of which are vital to workplace relationships. Other studies have found Enneagram types can improve our overall interpersonal skills. One case study reported that Enneagram typing may be an effective way to enhance awareness in counseling relationships.

Perhaps most importantly, Enneagram typing can help us empathize better with others because it promotes the idea that it’s normal and common for people to have different ways of viewing the world and conducting themselves in daily life.

Bottom Line

Type-by-Type Analysis

Let’s take a closer look at the different Enneagram types and how our Enneagram types impact our relationships with others.

Type 1: The Perfectionist       

Perfectionists believe strongly in principles and order. They are also reliable and trustworthy, both of which are green flags in relationships. The challenge? “Their cross is based on their capacity of blame and being harsh with self-expectations and boundaries,” says Carleton.

In general, relationships with Type 1 work best when they have partners who admire their hard work. Type 2s (“The Helpers”) and Type 6s (“The Loyalists”) can both provide loyalty and support, which Types 1s appreciate, Carleton says.

Type 2: The Helper

In general, Helpers are warm, intuitive, and compassionate, says Michelle King Rayfield, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Ocean Recovery. “They excel at making their partners feel valued and loved through care and attentiveness,” she says. Challenges arise when they overextend themselves or seek validation through caregiving. This can lead to burnout or resentment.

In terms of compatibility, “Type 2s often pair well with Type 9s (The Peacemaker), who appreciate their warmth and bring a calming presence,” Rayfield shares. “They also balance Type 8s (The Challenger), offering a nurturing counterpoint to 8s’ intensity.”

Type 3: The Achiever

Ian Cron, MA, trained psychologist and enneagram teacher, says that Type 3s bring energy and ambition into relationships and are often supportive and encouraging. But they are challenged by an inability to be vulnerable at times, as well as a tendency to perform in relationships rather than act from a place of authenticity.

Type 3s can be a good match with Type 1s, because they both value competence, seriousness, and idealism. On the other hand, Type 3s often attain more personal growth in relationships that cause them to challenge some of the ways that they are closed off to their emotions, so pairing with a Type 2 can be useful.

Type 4: The Individualist

Type 4s are introspective, honest, artistic, and unique. But they also can suffer from moodiness, and self-absorption, and have trouble opening up emotionally, all of which can make being in a relationship with them challenging, says Raul Haro, LMFT, RN, a registered nurse at Pathways Recovery Center.

What’s a good match for Type 4? “Type 4s being an artistic type themselves are more likely to get along with artistically inclined Type 1 (The Reformer) and Type 9 (The Peacemaker),” Haro shares.

Type 5: The Investigator

Type 5s are very brainy, but also sensitive and self-determining. “They offer insights and independence, which helps with relationships because of thoughtful observations,” Quimby shares. However, they can also be emotionally unavailable and detached, which can create serious barriers in intimate relationships, says Quimby.

A good match for a Type 5 are Type 1s and Type 2s, according to Quimby. “They connect well with Type 1s, who value their insights, and Type 2s, who encourage them towards emotional openness,” he explains.

Type 6: The Loyalist

Loyalists are focused on reliability and commitment, an asset to any relationship. But they also lack flexibility, as they can be unwavering in their commitment to strictly defined roles in relationships. They may also be prone toward anxiety and suspicion.

Although Type 6s and Type 8s (The Challenger) might clash at times, with Type 8 perceiving Type 6 as having an excessive need for security, Rayfield says that in the end, the two types can be a great match, and really balance each other out. “Type 8s can practice softening their tone and offering reassurance, while Type 6s can work on building self-trust to feel more confident in the relationship,” she says.

Type 7: The Enthusiast

Type 7s have several strengths in relationships, including an upbeat and adventurous nature, an exciting attitude, and an ability to be spontaneous, Dr. Daidone says. But their challenges can include difficulties with commitment, since they often fear missing out on other opportunities, he says.

“Type 7s can have a fun and dynamic relationship with Type 3s, ‘The Achievers,’ who share their drive and ambition,” Dr. Daidone shares.

Type 8: The Challenger

Challengers are protective, honest, and can be intensely loyal, Rayfield says. “They bring a sense of security and passion to their relationships, often leading in solving problems and making decisions,” she says. At the same time, “their strong-willed nature can come across as authoritarian, and their fear of vulnerability might make it hard for them to open up emotionally,” Rayfield shares.

According to Rayfield, Type 8s are often compatible with Type 2s, who may soften their edges. Type 9s can be a good match, bringing harmony and balance to Type 8s’ intensity.

Type 9: The Peacemaker

Type 9s “have a soothing energy that makes others feel at ease,” Cron describes. “Their ability to remain steady in tense situations helps create a peaceful and stable environment in relationships.” But there can be challenges in relationships, too. “While [Type 9s] value peace, they may suppress their own feelings or avoid addressing issues to prevent conflict.”

According to Quimby, Type 9s often get along well with Type 2s, who value their warmth and kindness.

Common Relationship Dynamics and Conflicts

Certain Enneagram types tend to butt heads more frequently than others. According to Rayfield, Type 1 (The Perfectionist) and Type 7 (The Enthusiast) are frequently in conflict.

“Type 1s thrive on structure and responsibility, while Type 7s prefer freedom and variety,” she says. “This difference can lead to frustration when Type 1s perceive 7s as disorganized or when 7s feel stifled by 1s’ need for order.”

How can conflicts like these be resolved? When it comes to Type 1 vs. Type 7, Rayfield says that these two types can learn to appreciate their differences and see them as complementary. “Type 1s can embrace more flexibility, while Type 7s can show commitment to agreed-upon plans, creating a balance that benefits both,” she suggests.

Overall, disputes between one Enneagram type and another usually occur as a result of not having enough emotional attention and feeling outcast in general, says Haro. “Using strategies such as discussing and listening to one another, as well as specifying the boundaries, can protect relationships from conflict,” he recommends.

Building Healthy Relationships with Enneagram Insights

Gaining a better understanding of Enneagram types can give you a framework to navigate relationship differences with empathy and patience, says Rayfield. He explains how:

• As you get a better understanding of a friend or loved one’s core motivations, you can reframe their actions in a more compassionate light, building empathy in the relationship
• Sharing Enneagram insights with an important person in your life can help each of you see your differences as complementary strengths
• Becoming more aware of triggers and tendencies makes finding a middle ground easier, making compromise in relationships more possible
• Identifying your personality and relationship patterns allows you to take responsibility for your role in conflicts and work toward personal growth

The Bottom Line

Understanding Enneagram types can be a powerful way to understand yourself better and to become more compassionate and communicative. But while Enneagram types are a helpful tool for many people, they shouldn’t take the place of professional mental health and relationship help.

“The Enneagram is a helpful starting point for understanding relationship dynamics, but sometimes, more profound work is needed to address longstanding patterns or challenges,” Rayfield reminds. “Working with a licensed therapist or relationship coach trained in the Enneagram can provide personalized guidance and tools to help you and your partner grow together.”