Merry Christmas friend,
I know for some of you this is a hard day, a hard season. You’re alone or with family who are fighting. But for a moment, I invite you to put that reality in the background and bring into focus what this season is truly about. God came into a dark, scary, sinful world to be with us. He is the light that shines in the darkness. He knows. He sees. My favorite Christmas passage isn’t one that is traditionally read. It’s in John 1:1-18. Here is just a taste.
So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. No one has ever seen God, but the unique One, who is himself God, is near to the Father’s heart. He has revealed God to us.
John 1:14,18
He has revealed God to us. He shows us what God is like. I love that. And we, dear friends, have the awesome privilege of doing the same for others. We as human beings have an opportunity to show others what God is like. That brings us into this week’s question.
Question: How does one balance having mercy with also having stern boundaries with difficult people who you have to interact with?
Answer: It’s especially hard to be merciful when someone’s hurt us or broken our trust. We worry that when we’re merciful, our mercy may be seen as a green light to violate our boundaries.
Recently in a sermon, my pastor defined the difference between mercy and grace. He said “Grace is getting what you don’t deserve. Mercy is not getting what you deserve.” Therefore, the question becomes how do we treat people not as they deserve but with mercy, and still have strong boundaries for our own self-stewardship?
Jesus was merciful and had strong boundaries and taught his disciples to do likewise. Let me give you just one example: In Matthew 10 Jesus is instructing his disciples as he sends them out among the people of Israel to announce that the Kingdom of Heaven is near. Jesus tells his disciples, “Heal the sick, raise the dead, cure those with leprosy, and cast out demons. Give as freely as you have received.” Vs 8 (Be merciful – don’t treat people as they deserve). And, “If any household or town refuses to welcome you or listen to your message, shake its dust from your feet as you leave.” vs 14 (Don’t keep persisting with people who do not receive your mercy, take a break and leave).
Maybe you have a parent, an in-law, or an adult child who deserves everything negative he or she is reaping right now. Many of you know that my mother was not a good mother when I was growing up. She also was not a good mother or grandmother once we reached adulthood. She did not deserve her three children to be kind and merciful towards her when she became ill with lung cancer. Yet, that’s what we chose to do. Not because she deserved it but because that’s who we wanted to be. Being merciful is something God calls his followers to embrace. We are to love the unlovely, the broken, even our enemy. Yet this does not mean we throw caution to the wind or put ourselves in harm’s way. When we were merciful towards our mother, we still had boundaries around what we would do or wouldn’t do. Would tolerate or not tolerate. Yet, these boundaries came from a place of healthy self-stewardship, not from wanting to punish our mother.
Jesus told his disciples to be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves when interacting with difficult people (Matthew 10:16). What does that mean? Don’t be guilty of treating people harshly or retaliate against their evil with evil of your own. But he also warns us to be wise in the way we interact with people, especially when they have demonstrated that they are dangerous or have no integrity.
I thought the most helpful thing I could do is give you is some examples that are both strong and loving. But here’s the most important part. You may not always live or interact with these difficult people, but you will always live with yourself. Your husband, adult child, neighbor, boss, or aging parent may disapprove of your boundary or even your kindness. You can’t control that. The person who must approve of what you did or didn’t do, said, or didn’t say is you, and ultimately God.
Here are a few examples:
An adult child gets kicked out of a housing situation because of his foolish behavior. He has no place to live. He’s repeatedly been foolish with his choice of friends and how he spends his money. It’s Christmas. His parents decide to pay for 3 nights at a mid-price motel for him to have a safe, warm place to stay for a few days (merciful) until he can get registered for the homeless shelter (boundaries). He’s not happy, they feel sad but at peace with their actions.
An adult child refuses to allow you to come see the grandchildren for Christmas because of hurts and resentments that have not been forgiven. Mercy would buy and send the family Christmas gifts and write loving cards despite their treatment of you. Boundaries would be if they send them back unopened you don’t do it again.
An aging parent insists you visit for Christmas even though your brother (who sexually abused you as a child) will be there. You feel betrayed by him and invalidated by your parents who know what happened but never said anything but “forgive your brother”. Here are a few choices: “Mom and Dad, you know that I have decided seeing brother is not something I am willing to do until such time we have talked about what happened and I feel safe (boundary). I am willing to come visit at a time when my brother is not there (merciful).”
And….even with my brother -…I’m willing to have an honest, open conversation with him about what happened (merciful). I’m not willing to sit there and pretend everything is fine when it is not (boundary). Your parents may disapprove of your boundary and your brother may not be willing to talk. The “rightness” of your actions is not decided by other people. They may give you positive or negative feedback, but ultimately you are responsible to decide who you are and what you will or will not do.
Being merciful is hard. Boundaries are hard too. Both are important lessons in making and repairing relationships.
Friend, can you share some examples of being merciful with good boundaries so that others can learn from your experience?
