Morning friend,
We are one week away from celebrating Christmas. One of my favorite books for this season is Making Room in Advent by Bette Dickinson. It’s full of beautiful watercolor illustrations but even better, the author invites you to press pause and think about things differently. Here’s one quote: She’s talking about unanswered prayers. We know during this Advent Season that Elizabeth and Zechariah prayed for years for a child with no answer. Yet, the Bible says, “They had done everything right in the sight of God.” (Luke 1) How do we live in faith with unanswered prayer when we don’t get the outcome we long for? The author asks:
“What can we do in times of waiting, then? We can stay present, remaining open and paying attention to the subtle shifts inside. We can allow God to stretch us to make room for what he is maturing inside us and our world. And we can surrender our timeline and keep watch with expectant hope for what is to come.”
Then she asks us to ponder, and I will invite you to do the same: How might God be maturing you as you wait for him to answer your prayers?
Might he be inviting you to deeper trust? Or perhaps learning that you can be okay if you don’t get the answer right now or even ever. For me, he’s teaching me that when I don’t get what I’m praying for – I still have choices on HOW I wait. Do I wait in anger and bitterness? Despair? Or do I wait in faith, trusting in a loving God who knows exactly what I need. I choose trust. How about you?
Question: Can you explain the concept of spiritual abuse to me further?
Answer: Spiritual abuse is a relatively new term that’s been coined to help people understand how God, spiritual teachings, and Scripture can be used to manipulate, scare, guilt trip, intimidate, and coerce a person to do what another person wants you to do, or think.
Let me give you a few examples that I’ve seen up close:
A pastor telling a woman that she cannot call the police in instances of domestic violence because the Bible says, Christians are not to go to the secular authorities, misquoting and misusing a passage in 1 Corinthians 6. However, Romans 13 is clear that God has put secular authorities in place to protect us from those who do evil. 1 Corinthians 6 has more to do with civil matters than criminal.
A pastor or elder telling a victim of sexual abuse perpetrated by someone in the church, that she should not go to the police, but instead examine her own heart for bitterness and unforgiveness towards her abuser. Or even worse, how she might have “caused” him to be overcome with lust because she was so pretty or wore a short skirt or sweater that was a little too tight. Or here’s the icing on the cake. The woman is told she hasn’t really been raped because she didn’t scream or fight him off (using an Old Testament passage that says that a victim of rape should scream if she’s being assaulted).
A wife is accused of having a hard heart because she questions the genuine repentance of her husband and is unwilling to abide by the pastor’s counsel to reconcile or go to joint marital counseling. She now becomes the “unrepentant” one and her husband is the one who receives the support and care of the church.
A mother telling an adult child that God says children should “honor” their parents, meaning a parent can do what they want. Meaning, don’t take that job out of town. Don’t marry that person we don’t approve of. Don’t major in art, major in business. Don’t have any boundaries with me and how I interact with your children or spouse. Make sure you spend every holiday at our house, or you will pay.
A husband accusing a wife of having a Jezebel spirit because she argues with him and won’t submit to his demands to sign for a home equity loan when she knows her husband spends money foolishly.
A husband telling a wife she must submit and stay home when her mother is dying of cancer in another city. She must “leave and cleave” and therefore she misses caring for her dying mother and saying goodbye to “honor” and “submit” to her husband. But inside she is brokenhearted, bitter but feels guilty.
A church that ex-communicates staff or members who disagree with the pastor or some of the church’s plans or programs. When they ask to have an honest discussion around these differences, the members are shut down and accused of divisiveness and gossip and asked to leave the church.
In all fairness, in some of the above examples, the leaders who are being coercive and manipulative may truly believe that God gives them the “authority” to be that way. To tell people what to do. And they may also believe Scripture endorses that kind of leadership or “headship”. It does not. Jesus is crystal clear to his own disciples that they are not to lead by “ruling over others” but are to lead by service. (Matthew 20:25-28)
This is where it becomes essential that you do your own work to know God, to know God’s word, and to mature and grow. Mature people do not defer their God-given decision-making power to others. Yes, the Bible does call us to submit to authority, to one another, and to God, but submission is a choice we make. When someone is forced to comply or intimidated with threats of dire consequences, that’s not called Biblical headship or biblical submission. It’s called coercion, manipulation, intimidation, and selfishness, even if the person uses the Bible to support their point.
Once we become adults, we are empowered by God to make decisions for ourselves. We might make good ones or bad ones. We live with the consequences of our choices. Hopefully, we will learn from our mistakes. People may advise us, counsel us, encourage us, teach us, and strongly disagree with us. That is not spiritual abuse. That is healthy discourse and debate if the ones who disagree are free to do so.
Sadly, I’m not only seeing rampant spiritual abuse, but I’m also seeing an intolerance around differences. When people don’t agree with us, they may not be trying to control us, but we won’t converse because we feel “unsafe”. A Republican cannot have a healthy dialogue with a Democrat around what common values they share. A complementarian cannot have a healthy curious conversation with an egalitarian about theological issues without a debate on who’s right and wrong. Can a pro-choice person lovingly talk with a pro-life person without being demonized for one’s stance? Can we disagree and still love our neighbor as ourselves? God says this is the most important command, not being right, but being loving. (Matthew 22:36-40).
Love does not demand its own way. Love is not controlling. Love is not manipulative when you don’t like what the other person says or does. Love allows a person to make his or her own choices, even when you know that person is making a wrong choice. Jesus illustrates this well when he had a conversation with the Rich Young Ruler who decided he didn’t want to do what Jesus said he needed to do to have a relationship with God. Jesus didn’t rebuke him or threaten him. He let him go but the final sentence is “he loved him.” (Mark 10:17-22).
When we get to heaven, I imagine we will find out we were wrong about a few things. Therefore, in all humility, I hope we can learn to have deeper conversations where we can disagree on some issues and learn from one another while showing deep respect and love for one another.
Friend, how might God be maturing you so that you are not so easily spiritually intimidated by those who want to decide for you what you should do or think?
