Hello Friends! It’s August and I am enjoying the warmth and sunshine this month tends to bring! I have been out walking several miles daily in my neighborhood and can feel the difference in my body. When my environment is comfortable and pleasant, it is so much easier for me to care for myself well. The harsh winter months will bring some challenges, I am sure. I have experienced it in the past; I add to my winter suffering when I stop being active. I know I will need some extra resources and support for better health, encouragement, and accountability. In which area of your life do you need extra resources and support for better health, encouragement, and accountability?
Today’s Question: My husband no longer follows Jesus. He is depressed most of the time. He says he tried Jesus and therapy and it didn’t work. He said it was too late for him to change. He said he likes to be bitter and he doesn’t want to forgive anyone. He blames me for all his problems. He said he’s this way because of me. He said our relationship hasn’t been good since we dated, which is true. It wasn’t healthy from the start. I started healing in 2020. My husband didn’t walk through healing so it feels like we’re going in opposite directions. I want to move forward and have a healthy relationship but he said he doesn’t want to work on himself. He yells at me in front of the kids. I feel so hurt seeing my kids’ faces, especially my 6-year-old. I have three kids under 6. I homeschool and I don’t work, so he provides.
I’ve thought of a temporary separation but God hasn’t told me to leave. A year ago God told me to stay and now I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure if a temporary separation will help if he doesn’t want to work on himself. I’m not sure if I should stop homeschooling, put my daughter in school, and get a full-time job so I can financially support us in case the worst happens. I don’t want to lose my marriage. But I don’t want my kids affected by the yelling and constant criticism he gives me every day. He gets angry when the house isn’t clean. I can’t keep the whole house clean and be with my three kids. He says I am failing and can’t do anything with my life until I can keep my house all clean. He gets angry and cleans for hours and criticizes me the whole time. He doesn’t have anything good to say about me. He says he says hurtful things to me because he is hurtful and doesn’t love anyone. He doesn’t know if our marriage will last forever because I’m not doing what I need to do according to him. He says it’s not working because we’re not working together. But I can’t keep it all clean. He doesn’t want to self-reflect so how can it work? He says once I can have it all clean then he can help me with the kids and be better. He comes home from work and sleeps or stays on his phone and doesn’t interact with us. My daughter said his yelling scares her. Each time he yells I go to another room so our daughter doesn’t hear but I don’t know if that’s showing good boundaries. What should I do?
Susan’s Response: There is a lot in your question and I admire that you want to do what honors God. Your situation is challenging and my heart goes out to you. I can imagine this is not what you wanted when you got married. Yet it sounds like the relationship was not good even before the marriage. I am curious as to what kept the two of you moving forward together. You eventually recognized your need for healthy relationships and started moving toward healing, which is noble. You stated that you don’t want to lose your marriage. Considering the marriage you have, what part of it do you want to hang on to? Most everything has positive and negative parts. What specifically do you not want to lose and what are you willing to accept in order not to lose it?
You said that you want to move forward to have a healthy relationship but he has been clear that he doesn’t want to work on himself. Other details you have shared seem to confirm that his goal is not for health. As a couple, your goals are not aligned. More importantly, there are destructive patterns present and harm is being done. Since you can not create a healthy relationship on your own, you may decide to shift your focus off of the marriage and your husband so that you are not continually met with disappointment, frustration, and grief. Is it possible, despite the state of the marriage, to remain healthy in this situation? Are you able to continue to show up well for yourself, to your children, and toward your purpose?
From what you have shared, your husband believes your primary purpose is to clean. If you don’t agree, what do you believe is true? Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” When you self-reflect and examine your own life, are you able to live out your God-given purpose where you are? If not, what do you need in order to do so?
There can be value in a marital separation and it is important to evaluate what goals could be sought during a time apart. Perhaps criticism, yelling, and blame are taking a toll on your nervous system and you get reactive. Having your own space could help you find calm and have a system reset. Perhaps it would send a clear message that you will not continue to live with someone who continues to cause harm in these ways.
You mentioned boundaries. Let’s talk about what good boundaries might look like in your current circumstances. Implementing what you can now may help you decide if the boundary of separation is needed.
I will assume that you have stated a request that your husband not yell at you or attack your character. Since those behaviors continue, what will you do for yourself in order to minimize the effects his behaviors have on you? Your children are not only witnessing his behavior, they are learning from you how to respond to verbal abuse. Your children need one healthy parent; are you able to be healthy in your current situation?
What are your own guidelines for how you will care for the house and manage cleaning? What roles and tasks are you willing to accept as your responsibilities? By clearly stating what you will do and what you won’t do, you will be informing him about what he can expect from you realistically. With three children in the home, you will not be able to keep a perfectly clean house. What household responsibilities can you hold yourself to?
Here are some examples of what boundary statements might sound like, “I can hear that you really want the whole house clean at all times, and you seem to get angry when it isn’t. I can understand that you want cleanliness and order. If that is something you need in order to be ok, let’s talk about the options we have available. I am not going to put effort toward a perfect house because other things are more important to me. I am willing to do XYZ, and I will hold myself accountable to follow through as much as I am able. Your criticism does not work for me, and it won’t cause me to do more just so I can earn your willingness to participate in caring for the kids. I don’t want a relationship based on transactions; I want a marriage based on love.”
It is good for you to have boundaries. It is good for you to know your limits and your priorities. There is a difference between having good boundaries for yourself and protecting others from harsh realities. If your focus is on protecting your children from knowing the truth of your husband’s pattern of behavior, that may backfire on you later. There may come a time when you want them to understand why you want to be apart from him. By modeling personal advocacy and boundaries, you are showing them that each person has choices and can act in ways to best protect themself from harm.
His behavior will affect your children and it is affecting you; that might not be avoidable. To what extent will you allow it to continue? Remember life impacts us but it doesn’t have to infect us. Romans 12:21 instructs, ”Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Boundaries are good, and we see this truth throughout scripture.
You asked, “He doesn’t want to self-reflect so how can it work?” There are many scriptures to help guide us toward the benefits of self-reflection and self-awareness. 2 Corinthians 13:5 instructs us to, “Examine yourselves, to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourself, that Jesus Christ is in you?” God has already equipped us as His children with all we need to live out our calling and to increase our effectiveness in this life. 2 Peter 1:5-7 reminds us, “For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love.” Even if scripture does not appeal to your husband any longer, science also talks about the benefits of self-reflection and self-awareness in our relationships with ourselves and others. It sounds like he is rejecting both.
You are not responsible for your husband’s growth. However, if you ask curious questions, that will give your husband the best opportunity to start to reflect and become more self-aware.
Even though you have stated some things clearly, there is much that is left unknown to you. I hear the uncertainty in your words. You may still be hoping that you can do or say something that will cause your husband to change gears and see how he is impacting the family. He has been clear with you that he has no intention towards change. That is a hard truth. You may be tempted to avoid this reality because it is not what you want.
In John 16, Jesus implores us to believe Him. He assures us that we will suffer and will be tempted to run from truth. He promises that if we stay connected to Himself, as the Truth, we will have peace even in the face of circumstantial uncertainty. Jesus assures us that He has overcome the world. As you self-reflect, where within yourself can you find His power? Where do you find your certain hope?
Dear one, your well-being is important. You are the daughter of the high king; He is concerned about your pain just as you are with your children’s pain. He is not calling you to suffer so that someone else can continue to harm you. What could you do to minimize your suffering?
If you need more support, Join us for a free training on August 15th. “I’m Not Okay When You’re Not Okay”: Defining my problem, your problem, and our problem.” You can save your spot at
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Be well!
Beloved readers, what have you done to help yourself to be okay when the truth about a relationship goes so far against what you want?
