Beloved Readers, this November, I invite you to join me in saying “NO” to apathy and the victim mindset. While gratitude often takes center stage this month, let’s challenge ourselves to move beyond comfort and into meaningful, intentional growth. It’s easy to stay stuck in patterns of past hurts and regrets, especially in relationships that feel complicated. But this month, I’m saying “NO” to staying in those cycles and “YES” to the hard, beautiful work of healing and rebuilding.
This Week’s Question: “LeAnne, how do I rebuild trust with an adult child who has set firm boundaries because they don’t feel safe after years of trauma response mis-parenting?”
LeAnne’s Response: Please know that you are not alone. It takes immense courage to embrace the truth of how your actions have impacted those you love. But facing this truth is where healing begins. Rebuilding trust after years of trauma response parenting can feel daunting, especially when those years have led your child to set boundaries for their safety. But healing is possible, and it begins with what I like to call “HEART work”—a series of intentional steps that help you approach the relationship with humility, empathy, accountability, respect, and transformation. So let’s take a deep breath together as we pause and invite the Lord into a transformative process.
H.E.A.R.T Work: Rebuilding Trust with Adult Children
H – Humility in Acknowledgement
True healing starts with genuine acknowledgment. When years of trauma responses have impacted your child, it’s crucial to approach with humility. This means listening deeply without defending or minimizing what they share. Let them see that their pain matters and that you take full responsibility for your role in it.
Picture a moment where you see the hurt in your child’s eyes—a hurt caused by years of reactive parenting. That moment, though painful, is an invitation to practice humility. It’s in these moments that acknowledging your past actions without defense or justification becomes vital. Saying, “I see the pain I caused, and I’m here to do better,” opens the door to healing.
Your child’s willingness to share their boundaries isn’t meant to punish you but to protect themselves. Acknowledging their feelings shows that you value their well-being and take responsibility for the past.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” —Psalm 34:18 (NLT)
E – Empathy and Validation
Empathy means stepping into your child’s shoes to see and feel the world from their perspective. Validation is not just hearing their words but truly affirming their feelings. You might say, “I hear you, and I’m deeply sorry for how my actions made you feel.” This acknowledgment helps your child feel seen and safe enough to consider healing.
Creating felt safety is essential at any age. Adult children need to know that you respect their emotional experience. This kind of validation can be transformative.
Reflection: Recall a time when your adult child set boundaries. How did you respond? How could you validate their perspective in the future to support their safety and trust?
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” —Ephesians 4:32 (NLT)
A – Accountability and Consistent Action
Words can unlock the door to reconciliation, but actions will keep it open. Show your adult child you are serious about creating change by taking proactive steps. This might mean continuing counseling, finding a mentor, or setting aside time for deep reflection and self-work. Accountability and consistency are what build a new foundation of trust.
As you journey through change, set clear goals and involve an accountability partner or coach to help you stay the course. Regularly reflect on your progress and seek feedback when appropriate.
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” —Galatians 6:9 (NLT)
R – Respect Their Boundaries, Take Responsibility for Yourself.
One of the most challenging parts of this journey is respecting the boundaries your adult child may have set, even when it feels like a barrier to closeness. However, respecting those boundaries shows them that you prioritize their emotional safety over your own desires. This step is essential to demonstrating that you are trustworthy.
Trust is built over time, and respecting boundaries shows your commitment to their well-being.
“Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you.” —Matthew 7:12 (NLT)
T – Transformation Through Patience and Prayer
Rebuilding a relationship is not a sprint; it’s a marathon that requires commitment, time, Jesus, and strength. Transformation comes with patience and continuous prayer. Remember that as you commit to this HEART work, you are sowing seeds that God will water in His perfect timing.
The journey of acknowledging past mistakes can stir up guilt and regret, but it’s important to extend empathy to yourself, too. Change is not a linear path, and growth takes time. Treat yourself with the same patience and kindness you want to offer your child. Remember, God’s grace is not only for them—it’s for you, too. Be gentle with yourself.
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” —Ephesians 4:2 (NLT)
As you reflect on this process, I encourage you to set one small, intentional action for this week. It could be a sincere letter of validation or a quiet prayer asking for strength and wisdom as you honor your child’s boundaries. Remember, even the smallest acts of genuine effort are seen by God and can lay the groundwork for reconciliation.
Rebuilding trust with an adult child after trauma response parenting is not only about changing your actions but transforming your heart. The HEART work of humility, empathy, accountability, respect, and transformation is not a checklist but a path of daily choices that reflect love and resilience. Know that you don’t walk this journey alone. God walks beside you, guiding each step with grace and hope. As you say “NO” to apathy this November, say “YES” to the hard, beautiful work of healing. Trust that in your consistent, heartfelt efforts, God is present, working in ways you may not yet see.
Community Question: Which part of the HEART work resonates most with your journey? How do you rely on God’s strength as you take steps toward rebuilding and healing?
