Hi there, friends! The holidays are nearing! In the next few months, opportunities may arise to have engagement with challenging people. Now is the time to make a plan for how you want to show up in those interactions. The effects of difficult and destructive people can take a toll on your identity if you are not intentional. Based on past patterns, you may have a good idea about what you will be faced with again. Set your expectations not toward what you want but toward what is likely given the history of the relationship. Consider how you could interrupt the cycles you have been involved in in years past. This holiday season, I pray we all have enough peace of mind to focus on heartfelt thankfulness for God’s good gifts.
Today’s Question: How do I handle continuous accusations from my husband? I cannot get out of bed in the middle of the night without him asking where I’m going? Mind you, I’m just going to the bathroom. He makes innuendos like I’m sleeping around. I love My Jesus and want to please him. But I have no one to talk to without making him look like a bad person.
Susan’s Response: I can imagine that it is very challenging and frustrating to deal with false accusations and hurtful innuendos. I hear your desire to protect your husband and how he is viewed by others. I also know that you need support and a place to feel seen and heard. I admire your ability to reach out regarding this issue. Isolation can lead to depression, anxiety and even emotional breakdown.
Without having more information, it is difficult to understand where the accusations are stemming from. It may be helpful for you to write down the situations and the patterns you have noticed. Perhaps relationship trust has been broken in the past to the point where every event gets interpreted by your husband through a lens of mistrust. It may be that your husband had harmful relationships in childhood or before he entered a relationship with you. Or maybe he assumes you are not trustworthy because he can not trust his own integrity. Whatever the scenario, I hope to give you some conversation pointers as well as some things to consider.
I can imagine you have emotions that surface when you are accused. It is important for you to pay attention and care well for yourself. Naming and processing your own feelings is necessary in order to move forward in a healthy way. The ability to self soothe and regulate your body can help you think clearly and stay within your desired character.
Noticing the feelings of others is an important part of social connection and building intimacy.
Responding compassionately to someone else’s anxiety or insecurity fosters understanding and closeness. If you haven’t practiced validating your husband, that could be a powerful place to start. Curiosity is another powerful tool that wards off harmful assumptions and negative judgment. Both validation and curiosity help to build safety and trust in a relationship.
A conversation using validation and curiosity might start like this, “I’m just getting up to use the bathroom and then I am coming back. You sound like you might be nervous about me leaving the bed. Is that right? What do you think might be causing your concern?” Or “When I hear your innuendos, it sounds like you don’t trust that I am faithful to you? I am not a cheater. What do you think might be causing you to doubt my faithfulness?”
It is incredibly challenging to have empathy for and validate those who have continuously caused you harm. I believe it takes divine power to be able to view others with compassion when they are not willing or able to see you clearly. We read in scripture that Jesus handled accusations in several different ways depending on the situation and God’s perfect will. He is masterful at offering validation and seeing people clearly. When Jesus was insulted or accused, He at times asked curious questions. Other times he remained silent or withdrew. He was known to quote truth or bring understanding through stories when He was misunderstood. Yet, He never retaliated or lost sight of His God given purpose. Likewise, let God guide your responses so that you don’t lose your sense of self.
If you notice the pattern of accusations and innuendos are causing you confusion or self doubt, take steps to protect yourself from losing who you are. Develop boundaries for yourself. When you are accused, a boundary might be as simple as saying to yourself, “I have not done anything wrong; his statements are not going to tear me down.” Or like the prophet Nehemia, you might respond similarly to the way he did when he was accused, “No such things as you say have been done, for you are inventing them out of your own mind.” (Nehemiah 6:8)
Human beings are really good at inventing stories in their minds. Anxious assumptions and interpretations can be devastating to individuals and relationships. The prophet Elijah shows an example of an anxious interpretation in 1 Kings 19. His anxious thoughts and feelings of fear caused him to overlook the faithfulness of the one he loved. Yet, God compassionately loved him even though Elijah struggled to see things truthfully. As is true for many today, Elijah’s anxious thoughts changed his destination.
Elijah desired to do the work of God yet even still was derailed by threats, fear and anxiety. I don’t know where your husband is with his faith or what is motivating his mistrust and accusations. Regardless, each of us is responsible to manage our one life. Don’t allow another person to cause you to lose sight of who you are and whose you are as a believer of Jesus Christ.
Friend if you are struggling to maintain your identity in Christ due to challenging people or situations in your life, make sure you join our email list for free trainings and support options.
Be well!
Beloved reader, have you had to handle accusations from a loved one even though you have been trustworthy? How have you successfully managed those conversations?
