Conversations around family estrangement usually focus on adult children who decide to go no-contact with their parents, which means they stop communicating altogether. A less-discussed aspect of being estranged from family is going low contact, which refers to a significant decrease in contact and communication.
There are often clear signs that an adult child will be in low contact with their parents to avoid the drama of cutting them off for good. Deciding to go low contact can be problematic. Still, it can offer a protective buffer for adult children from toxic family systems to focus on their healing and mental well-being.
Here are 10 signs an adult child is going ‘low contact’ with parents to avoid the drama of cutting them off for good:
1. Children reach out to their parents less often.
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A sign that an adult child is reducing contact with their parents to avoid the drama of cutting them off for good is that they reach out less often. They put the proverbial ball in their parents’ court, meaning that they don’t text first or call “just because.” They’ll answer texts and calls from their parents, but they’re not the ones to reach out first.
Adult children who make low contact often do so as an act of self-protection. They don’t need to cut their parents off completely, but they do see a need for a less intense and involved connection. They still want a relationship with their parents, but they want it to be on their own terms. By making low contact, adult children create emotional distance between themselves and their parents, which avoids the drama of cutting them off completely.
2. They avoid personal topics in conversation.
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Another sign an adult child is losing contact with their parents to avoid the drama of cutting them off for good is avoiding personal topics in conversation. They choose not to share specific details of their lives that might spark conflict with their parents. This often means they don’t talk about their romantic relationships or any problems they’re experiencing. Instead, they keep conversations on the surface level to maintain a sense of balance.
Their decision to avoid personal topics often stems from being raised in a judgmental home. Adult children who grew up with hyper-critical parents put up a buffer, which protects them from further criticism. They’ll talk about the new show they’re binge-watching or the new recipes they’re trying, but they won’t entertain conversations about anything deeper than that.
A nationally representative study cited by the American Psychological Association reported that 27% of Americans are actively estranged from at least one family member. While this percentage appears high, it’s not necessarily true that there’s a rise in estrangement, so much as it’s a long-established pattern that’s out in the open now more than ever.
As psychologist Lucy Blake pointed out, “Families have always been complicated, and now we’re discussing it more.”
She noted that estrangement isn’t always rigid, explaining, “It’s often not a permanent state, but something people move in and out of.”
Adult children who have little contact with their parents might decide to increase communication later, depending on their level of comfort with sharing the more intimate parts of their lives.
3. Children set clear boundaries about communication.
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A sign an adult child is going low contact with their parents to avoid the drama of cutting them off for good is that they set more clearly defined boundaries around communication. They outline clear rules for when and how they’ll communicate and what they’re willing to discuss. It can be challenging to set boundaries when coming from a toxic family system, but the more specific those boundaries are, the easier they’ll be to enforce.
Psychologist Nick Wignall revealed that people with healthy boundaries follow specific rules, including being hyper-specific with their boundaries, since “vague boundaries don’t work.” He explained that boundaries must be specific regarding the input (what the other person does) and the output (what you will do in response).
A clear boundary defines acceptable concrete actions and behaviors and practical consequences for crossing that boundary. While it’s not easy, reminding yourself of the “why” behind your boundaries can help you stick to them. Wignall said, “When you take a moment to remind yourself of the big picture and why it matters to set and enforce your boundaries, you’ll be amazed at how much more emotional difficulty you can tolerate.”
4. They purposefully delay their responses.
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Delayed responses are a sign that an adult child is avoiding contact with their parents to avoid the drama of cutting them off for good. They don’t answer every single text the minute it arrives. They don’t always pick up when their parents call, and they don’t even call back right away. They take their time, allowing them to build their mental fortitude for a challenging interaction.
While receiving delayed responses might not make their parents happy, it’s a simple thing adult children can do to make their lives their own. Taking time to respond when their parents reach out reinforces their autonomy and sense of independence, which is crucial for their mental health.
5. They choose neutral places to meet up.
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Another sign that adult children are going in low contact with their parents to avoid the drama of cutting them off for good is choosing neutral places to meet up, as opposed to going to their parent’s homes. They remove the risk of a big blow-out argument by meeting up in public. A neutral place allows adult children and their parents to exist on more even ground, so the power dynamic stays slightly more balanced.
Their parents might not understand why they won’t come to their home, but adult children don’t have to justify their decision. They can present it to their parents as an option; then, it’s up to the parents to agree. A neutral space offers adult children a sense of distance, which they’re looking for by going low contact.
6. They have less tolerance for criticism.
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A sign that an adult child is going low contact with their parents to avoid the drama of cutting them off for good is having less tolerance for being harshly criticized. In the past, they might have ignored or overlooked jabs from their parents aimed at lowering their self-esteem. But in going low contact, they react to criticism in a more assertive way, demonstrating that they won’t accept disparaging comments.
Marriage and family therapist Jennifer Twardowski shared “effective ways to deal with these types of people that will take you from feeling like a doormat to a strong and empowered individual.”
She said, “An overly critical person will weaponize your shortcomings to attack you and make you feel inferior.”
“Make it known that you don’t accept someone talking to you this way,” she advised. You may need or want to pair this with an action, like distancing yourself from the person.”
“Focus on doing things for you and your needs. It’s the only first step we can take to truly feel reconnected to ourselves and create the life of our dreams,” Twardowski concluded.
7. They reject old family behavior patterns.
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Rejecting old family patterns of behavior is a sign that an adult child is going low contact with their parents to avoid the drama of cutting them off for good. They no longer let themselves fall into the role they’ve always played, like being the peacemaker or the sole beacon of emotional and practical support.
Children act as peacemakers between their parents, soothing their outbursts and putting their own emotions aside to maintain a sense of calm in the family environment. A child who supports their parents in practical and emotional ways is a parentified child, which means their parents expect them to provide care to them, as opposed to the other way around.
Kristina Scharp, a communications professor who studies estrangement at Rutgers University, noted that familial estrangement is “pretty varied in terms of what it can look like” from person to person.
She spoke to estrangement as a tool to break free from old family patterns, noting, “Some people feel they don’t need to enact these roles anymore, and some people aren’t enacting those roles, which is part of the problem.”
Part of rejecting old patterns requires an adult child to engage in major self-reflection and decide how they want to show up in their family, which is why they go low-contact instead of cutting their parents off completely.
8. They limit what they share on social media.
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Limiting what they share on social media is another sign that adult children are reducing contact with their parents to avoid the drama of cutting them off for good. They might make less personally revealing posts in general or restrict how much of their social media profiles their parents have access to.
They might stop posting photos of their children online so their parents can’t criticize their parenting style. They might stick to making vague or neutral posts, like their farmer’s market haul or that cute thing their dog did.
However they choose to go about it, they’re putting up a barrier between their lives and their parents’ lives that is necessary for them to flourish independently.
9. They’re more emotionally detached.
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Becoming more emotionally detached is a sign that an adult child is reducing contact with their parents to avoid the drama of cutting them off for good. They might turn up the intensity of their emotional connection to their parents, which protects them from getting overinvolved or hurt.
Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith described detachment as “a process of letting go [that] allows you to release difficult situations and, sometimes, difficult people.”
He noted that detaching allows people to gain clarity. While it isn’t an easy process and might even be painful, detachment is often necessary to maintain some semblance of a relationship, especially between parents and their adult children who don’t have a close bond.
Being less emotionally engaged helps adult children tend to their needs while avoiding the drama of cutting their parents off for good.
10. They remove themselves from family conflict.
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A sign an adult child is losing contact with their parents to avoid the drama of cutting them off for good is removing themselves from family conflict. They refuse to take sides in arguments and don’t engage in family drama because staying uninvolved helps them stay grounded.
Life coach Alex Mathers noted that people with the least drama have habits that protect them.
“They protect their energy above all else,” he explained. “Note what drains your energy and cut it out. Replace it with energy boosters and be brutal with how you negotiate this time.”
Most of our drama revolves around our interactions with other humans,” Mathers pointed out, sharing that the antidote to interpersonal drama is to “focus on developing yourself into a beautiful and inspiring creature, and others might be inspired to follow.”
Adult children who have little contact with their parents know that they can’t force them to change. Instead, they accept them as they are while putting safeguards in place to protect their own well-being and sense of inner peace.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
