There’s a lot of misinformation about divorce, and I’d like to clear up some of the confusion, as your online best friend who will tell you the truth Post-divorce, the most important thing to do is focus on building your new life.
This is a great time to try something other than another relationship — take a class, start a new business or career, or get a puppy. It doesn’t matter what new activities you begin if you build new, healthier routines and habits outside what you and your ex did in the past relationship.
Give yourself plenty of time to heal before taking another chance on love.
Here are ten painful things only your best friend will tell you about getting a divorce:
1. Divorce is emotionally complex
The time following divorce is a time of grieving. There is no guarantee divorce will make you happier unless you’re leaving an abusive relationship.
2. Fixing a marriage is usually easier
Divorce sometimes seems easier than fixing your marriage, but it’s usually not. Recovering from divorce emotionally, financially, and holistically can take a long time, as shown by research in The Psychological Science Journal. For some, the void is never filled.
3. You might end up married again to the same person
Research from Louisiana State University helps explain how some divorced couples get back together later.
4. You might not need to bother
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If you don’t have children and feel OK about how you’ve divided the assets, you may not need to file for divorce. You can leave it up to your spouse to pay the fees.
5. Divorce can start the conversation to save the marriage
Sometimes, filing for divorce is what it will take to get your spouse to talk to you about what’s wrong, as suggested by a study in the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage.
6. Divorce grief is real
Even if you’re eager to get a divorce, you’ll still have a lot of grief.
7. Divorce often indicates infidelity
If your spouse is adamant about wanting a divorce, they probably have someone else they are spending close time with already.
8. Divorce can be ruthless
If money is important to your spouse, protect yourself — they may try to leave you with nothing by portraying you as the villain during divorce negotiations.
9. Divorce is survivable
Even though you’ll have to go through grief, you can survive divorce and build a new life.
10. Divorce is a social clearing house
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You’ll find out who your friends are — mutual friends of a couple will usually choose one partner to stay friends with, take sides with that person, and most likely see the other spouse as a villain. Divorce can cause the loss of more than one relationship.
You’ll have to rebuild your life after divorce, so begin before you divorce. You may find you can improve your satisfaction with your marriage and resolve the issues that lead to the discussion of divorce. Or, you will find divorce is the correct path forward, and be prepared for the challenges to come.
Don’t hesitate to get therapy to help you through this transition, as supported by research from The American Psychological Association, so you can grieve what’s lost (even if you’re the one who left, you’ve lost your hopes and dreams for this marriage) and move your focus on to building a good life in your new circumstance. A professional viewpoint will help you move from past to present and plan for the future.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist with over 40 years of experience in counseling individuals and couples. She is the author of 14 books in 17 languages.
