The holiday season is upon us and during this time, kids are given everything from gifts to food.
It’s natural for parents to want their children to say “please” and “thank you” when shown this generosity. However, one child development expert advises against coaching kids to say such things.
The expert recommended that parents not remind their kids to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ during the holiday season.
Beck Goodman is a play-based early literacy specialist and founder of Grow with Beck, an early childhood enrichment company. She recently posted a video explaining her unexpected take on parents encouraging their children to say “please” and “thank you.”
“Now, I am big on manners,” Goodman prefaced, “so I still want them to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ but I don’t want you to be reminding them to do it.”
She explained that as the holiday season progresses, you will likely get together with family who have “high expectations.” Still, she stood her ground.
Instead, she recommended praising children when they say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ on their own.
“When they say it naturally, just off the cuff, make a big deal about it,” she advised, referring mainly to preschool-aged children. “Celebrate it.”
Goodman offered an example of what you can say to properly build up a child’s confidence in this situation: “‘That was awesome! … Thank you so much for thanking me. That made me feel really appreciated.’”
By applauding children when they use their manners and not making a big deal when they don’t, they will likely start saying “please” and “thank you” on their own.
“Positive affirmations make that magic happen more often,” Goodman wrote in the caption of her video. “Celebrating their effort with kindness plants the seeds for manners to grow naturally.”
Other experts agree that parents should not coach kids when it comes to manners.
Writing for Nurtured First, registered psychotherapist Jess VanderWier said, “We shouldn’t force manners upon our children. If we force them to say these words, they will not understand what they actually mean, and when they do say them, it will be out of habit rather than gratitude.”
“So, instead of asking, ‘How can I make my child say please and thank you?’ we should ask, ‘How can I raise respectful kids?’” she added.
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Although parents often remind their children to say “please” and “thank you,” many experts agree that pushing it on children is not the best route to take. Instead, children should say those things because they genuinely feel compassion and gratitude.
Parents should model good manners for their children.
It’s easy to give kids a nudge to say “please” and “thank you” or even to say it for them in some cases. What’s not always so easy is living out a well-mannered life yourself. However, according to VanderWier, modeling good manners is important.
“Our children are constantly watching and listening to us,” she pointed out. “If we intentionally use the words ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ in conversations, our children will begin to use these words too.”
So, this holiday season, praise your children when they demonstrate good manners and remember to say “please” and “thank you” yourself.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
