We all want to know if we’re in the “right” relationships — how to tell if we are … and if we are not. How can you tell whether someone is your friend equally or not? Although you can’t do a lot to control reciprocity, you can tell if someone’s good for you or not.
To help, I’ve come up with five criteria by which you can quickly assess any relationship. The answer to each question is binary — “yes” or “no” — so pay attention to the answer that instinctively and spontaneously arises before letting your thoughts interfere with your response. Chances are that your gut reaction to these questions is accurate.
Here are five questions that instantly reveal if your friendships are real or fake
1. Do they have your back?
The first criterion to consider is simple: Does this person fundamentally support you, or do they cut you down?
I almost feel silly explaining this, since it seems self-evident. But friendship and love bias our judgment, and sometimes people send us mixed behaviors — sometimes warm to us, sometimes cold.
Someone who is truly on your side will empathize with you when you make a mistake, give space for your aspirations, look for ways to make your life better, and have your well-being and safety in mind. According to 2023 research, having close friends can improve your mental health.
2. Are you an option in their life, or a priority?
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The text comes at 6 PM on Friday when you were supposed to meet up at 6:30 PM: “Hey dude! Sooo sorry not gonna make it tonight. Something came up. Rain check?”
Nowadays this is an all-too-common occurrence. So common that Polish sociologist Zygmunt Bauman has even given it a name: liquid modernity. This is a society in which no commitment is solid, and everything is provisional: jobs, dwellings, spouses, ideologies. And with the ubiquity of instant electronic communication, all appointments are subject to change (up until the very last minute), lest a better deal pops up.
But your instincts tell you when the other person passed you over for a “better” opportunity. And when they’re hanging out because they’re looking for some company, not necessarily your company specifically. So, prioritize those who prioritize you.
You can still be friendly with those who mostly treat you like an option, but you probably shouldn’t bend over backward to accommodate them in your life.
3. Are they friends with you … or with what you have to offer?
My friend Sasha is great, but she has a hard time making friends. Why? Because she has a famous father, she never knows whether people want to be friends because of her or to gain access to her dad.
Even without a famous relative, we’ve all got some special sauce that someone could be after. Maybe you have connections this person wants access to — whether that’s your company’s box seats at the game, your beach house, your babysitting services, etc. Maybe you’re rich or famous yourself or have friends who throw good parties.
If you’re unsure whether your “friend” is choosing you or not, ask yourself if they only call you when they need something, or do they regularly check up on you and include you in their plans. If you don’t like feeling used, there are two things you can do: First is to remove the Users from your life. Second, stop dancing for your dinner.
If you feel someone’s so cool that you need to have TSwift tickets every time you request their company, you’re just setting yourself up to be used. Either they’re grateful for your company just as you are, or the friendship isn’t sustainable.
4. Do they add energy to you or drain you?
The other day, my friend Johnny was visiting from far away. I’ve known Johnny for 15 years and shared a lot of experiences with him. I’ve even been to his wedding. And yet, after every one of our meetings, I feel spent.
Why? Negativity, complaints, gratuitous attacks on your person (especially attacks disguised as helpful suggestions), being pointlessly demanding, constant requests for attention: These are behaviors that can drain your energy in a hurry. If the purpose of friendship is a flourishing of the soul, this ain’t the formula for it.
You can still be friendly with these energy vampires, especially if they’re essentially well-meaning people who just happen to annoy the crap out of you. But just know that, for your sanity, you want to minimize their dosage.
Instead, choose to spend more time with people who add energy to your life. You know who they are — the ones who point out the butterflies on the roadside, call you with a new joke to tell, and can’t wait to take you to try this new dish.
5. Does this person bring out the best … or the worst in you?
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If I were to walk by you and say, “Hey, I like your dress,” chances are you’d smile and return the compliment: “Thanks, you look great, too!” On the other hand, if I were to say, “Hey, watch where you’re going, jerk!”, you’d probably return that favor and say, “Screw you, too!”
Same person, two very different reactions. Psychologists even have a name for this: The Pygmalion Effect. Our interactions (and expectations) have the capability to draw out dramatically different versions of people.
So, similarly, whenever I hang out with my friend Sonia, for some unfathomable reason I find myself complaining about the world, mocking passersby, and being a generally snarky version of me. Complaining, according to research from Harvard University, can also be bad for you.
Whereas when I’m with Gail, I feel my vision expand, my thoughts ennoble and my heart open. Again, I’m not quite sure why this happens, but I do notice the consistency of the effect: Sonia brings out the snark; Gail brings out the sweet.
The purpose of friendship is the flourishing of the spirit, meaningful fellowship, and interactions that lead to our personal growth. So it makes sense to spend less time with those who make us feel like meaner versions of ourselves, and more time with those who bring out our kindness, generosity, and expansiveness of heart.
To that end, we would do well to select friends who have our back, make us priorities in their lives, treat us like worthy ends in ourselves, and stoke us with more of the energy that allows us to be a force for good in the world.
Dr. Ali Binazir is a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and NLP Master Practitioner who has consulted for Fortune 100 companies as an Associate at McKinsey & Company, practiced behavioral change therapy, and coached executives on how to be better speakers
