Ever wondered how con artists can get away with all they do? They know how to be charming and they have mastered the art of looking as if they belong. Because they have no feelings of guilt about misrepresenting themselves, they can pull it off.
But you don’t have to be dishonest and manipulative to be charming. You can use the power of charm to create a charmed life for yourself and be perfectly honest, kind, and caring while doing it.
If you can master these five skills, you’ll be the most magnetic person in the room:
1. Be interesting
Wear attractive but interesting clothing — something that reflects who you are. If you like to travel, for example, wear a shirt, scarf, tie, or jewelry from another country, or wear something that reflects your ethnic background, or a hobby (sports, the outdoors, a Hawaiian-type shirt with surfboards, gardening implements, or an animal print). It will help start conversations. Psychology also tells us that what we wear affects our confidence levels.
2. Pay attention to what people are saying
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Look around you and seek to make friends. Notice who’s around you and what’s interesting or attractive about them. Find an interesting thing about what they’re wearing and compliment it. Research from 2021 states that complimenting someone really can make their day.
“Excuse me, but I couldn’t help noticing that gorgeous color — it looks great on you,” or “What an interesting watch! Where did you get it?”
3. Prepare topics to talk about in advance
Read up on some fascinating topics to talk about: the background doings of a hit movie, some new technology advances, or a cool new trend. Then, when someone wants to talk to you, you’ll have something to say.
4. Offer to help
What needs doing that you might enjoy? If you haven’t experienced this event before, I recommend finding a “job” to do. Don’t just say, “What can I do to help?” Instead, volunteer for something specific: to greet people and take coats, keep the food table replenished, or refill drinks.
It will give you a feeling of belonging, a great excuse to meet everyone, and you’ll be busy enough to keep your nervousness at bay. The host or hostess will be grateful and remember you later. Studies from Stanford tell us that people want to help more than we realize.
5. Follow through
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If you do meet someone you’d like to know better, follow the party with an invitation for coffee. The best friendships begin in these social situations. According to psychology, having close friends can lead to lower levels of depression stress, and anxiety.
Once you are meeting people, you need to create the proper energy level to be charming and attractive. Match your energy to the energy of the people at the event.
If you’re dancing or eating barbecue poolside, the energy level will be pretty high. If you’re having quiet conversations at a cocktail party, discussing books, or sitting down to dinner, the energy will be more mellow and focused.
Conversations at events you attend should be like tennis matches. That is, the other person “serves:” he or she asks a question or makes a statement, and then you “volley” back your answer to the question with the kind of answer that invites a response. For example:
- He: “How do you know our hostess?”
- You: “We went to school together. I like Pam’s friendliness, don’t you?”
This invites your companion to respond and keeps the “volley” going. If the conversational thread ends, the next “serve” is yours. If you have to restart the conversation too often, excuse yourself and move on. That person is not interested enough.
If you force the other person to do all the conversational “work” he or she will move on pretty quickly. One-syllable answers are a pretty clear indication of a lack of interest, even if you didn’t mean it to be that way. Instead, turn on your charm, and the other person will want more time with you.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist with over 40 years of experience in counseling individuals and couples. She is the author of 14 books in 17 languages.
