Whenever we hollered “That’s not fair!” as a kid, most of our mothers had the same familiar refrain: “Life isn’t fair.” And it turns out mom might have been onto something, according to psychology.
A sense of fairness and justice is among the most virtuous values a person can hold — and thank goodness so many of us do, or the world would probably be even more in shambles than it already is! However, as a psychologist recently shared, it can also make your battles uphill. How do you avoid this? It’s all about your expectations.
Psychologist Emma Peterson says a sense of fairness and justice can hold you back in life.
Emma Peterson is a Brisbane, Australia-based psychologist and therapist who shares mental health tips on Instagram and TikTok.
Recently, she shared how a sense of justice, while honorable, can also cause some trouble in our lives.
It’s not that you have to rid yourself of this trait. We need people like you in the world! But Peterson said that it can have a very real impact on your “mental well-being” or even sometimes cause “unnecessary suffering.
A strong sense of fairness makes a person strong and dedicated to positive values.
Peterson was emphatic that having this trait is admirable. “If you’re the type of person who really values fairness and justice in our society, I really applaud you because this is such a strong value,” she said.
After all, people like you are the moral barometers of our society, in a way. You’re the ones who see where others are going wrong, and your strong values equip you to call it out when needed — a deeply necessary skill, especially in these turbulent times.
A person like this, Peterson said, “[has] a good sense of what you believe is right or wrong … and is a strong individual human.” They also tend to be “more opinionated,” she said, which is also a good thing — it equips you to be a truth-teller.
But, and you knew there was a but, it also likely means that you have a strong “need for fairness in your life” as well, not just in the world at large. That, for reasons you can probably guess, is where you can get into trouble.
A sense of fairness and justice also often means you’re ‘constantly inviting suffering’ because of unrealistic expectations.
As good and decent as a sense of fairness and justice is, Peterson said it’s also “a catch-22,” because with it comes an EXPECTATION of fairness and justice — and that sets you up to be “constantly inviting suffering” into your life.
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It all comes down to that maxim your mom used to say. “Put simply, the world is deeply unfair and deeply unjust,” Peterson said. “It is actually a fact that unfairness is a fact of life and injustice is a fact of life.”
So this rigid insistence on fairness and justice, even as righteous as it is, sets up an unrealistic expectation that others will share it too. And when you’re on the receiving end of the myriad ways people breach this code — whether interpersonally or, for instance, just watching the absolute clown show currently going on in Washington from afar — it can be deeply distressing in lots of ways.
As Peterson put it, “If you as a person really cling to and value fairness and justice at all cost then you are going to be opening up your heart for a lot of disappointment and disease and suffering, because … you are going to be subjected to injustices and unfair treatment. No one’s immune to it.” Thankfully, though, there is a remedy.
The key is to make your sense of justice more ‘malleable’ and inward-focused.
The answer is not that you need to become less fair and simply accept injustice! That will only hasten the crumbling of the world, not to mention your own sense of self. But Peterson said the key to making this all work FOR you rather than against you is to take a lighter touch.
Peterson said that when she encounters clients with this strong sense of fairness and justice, what she works with them on is “flexing it” — not in the sense of wielding it, but rather in the sense of “making it a little bit more malleable, making it a little bit more flexible.”
That’s not about changing your values and standards, but simply changing your expectations of others even as you let that sense of morality guide your own approach to the world.
The goal, Peterson says, is to learn to take two dynamics seemingly at odds and hold them at the same time: “I really have a sense of internal justice … [and] at the same time, I’m really open to this idea that life is simply unfair and my value is not always going to be met.”
It’s ultimately not a release of your values but a release of control, and this, Peterson said, is where the rubber meets the road. In time, a client can move on from feeling like they “can’t move past it” when someone breaches their sense of fairness or treats them unjustly.
This more flexible approach allows you to actually move forward, both with understanding for others and the ability to help heal yourself when others hurt you. This way, rather than being shut down by the crushing disappointments of others’ failings, you can continue being part of the much-needed moral compass of the world around you.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
