I have long considered physical intimacy between men and women as a very unfunny cosmic joke. Men get physical as a way to open up and emotionally connect to their partner. Women need to feel emotionally connected to their partners before opening up physically. I mean, who designed this system?
Bridging this gap in approaches is often difficult and exhausting for even the most committed couples. Left on their own, couples can end up in destructive patterns. But lack of intimacy is not inevitable.
Here are 5 things husbands don’t realize they do that instantly irritate their wives
1. Letting yourself go
Women desire physical attractiveness in their partners, but at less importance than men as shown by a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. I don’t think it’s fair to expect anybody’s body to remain unchanged throughout the years, but making an effort to maintain your appearance is a signal to your wife that she’s worth making an effort for.
2. Non-consensual touching
While my husband tries to speak for all men and say they would love it if their wives spontaneously grabbed them, most women do not feel this way. Being touched unexpectedly every time they walk by as if they are only an object does not endear women to men (nor wives to their husbands). Neither does touching them only when you desire physical intimacy.
Research in the Psychosomatic Medicine Journal suggests offering affection with no strings attached. It increases intimacy when the time is right for more. And yes, women can tell the difference between the two.
3. Ignoring the emotional connection
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Women and men feel desire differently, as supported by the American Psychological Association. It’s often hard for a woman to feel desire when she is not feeling loved, acknowledged, and appreciated. Wherever a woman’s mind is, her body is going to follow.
While true, she also has a role in being open to intimacy, and you can do a lot to help her get there. Spontaneously, willingly, and consistently take something off her plate, like doing the dishes or making lunches. Doing so can make a huge difference in her desire for you. As does anything that brings a bit of ease to her world.
4. Not learning what pleases her
Just as all men aren’t built the same, neither are women. What worked with a previous partner may not work (at all) with your wife. In addition, her ever-changing hormones can make a huge difference in her interest and enjoyment of intimacy, as explained by research in the Hormones and Behavior Journal. True bonding happens when you’re both enjoying yourself.
This means focusing on what satisfies her. Mechanically going through the “routine” is neither generous nor emotionally fulfilling for her. It’s also important to remember she may need a slow approach before she can feel desire. I find this is true for many women, so expecting your wife to initiate intimacy can lead to frustration for both of you.
5. Sulking when you don’t get what you want
It’s an intimacy killer if you pout, get angry, or otherwise react badly when she turns your advances down. I know it’s hurtful (and even embarrassing), but your partner always has the right to say “no.” If it happens all the time, then it’s a real problem the two of you need to lovingly deal with together.
If it’s only an occasional occurrence, then making her feel bad will only breed resentment towards you. Nothing kills attraction like resentment. Besides, do you want her to be close to you out of guilt? If so, she’s likely saying “no” with good reason.
The intimate bond is a wonderful part of a marriage, but it’s only one part. However, if there are problems with intimacy, there will certainly be problems throughout the relationship. This is especially true if women aren’t feeling loved.
So, the most important thing you can do to make sure your wife feels connected to you is to make sure your whole marriage is in a good place.
Lesli Doares is a therapist, coach, and the founder of Foundations Coaching, a practical alternative for couples worldwide looking to improve their marriage without traditional therapy.
