Sometimes a woman can be the most gorgeous girl in a room, and she still can’t land a boyfriend. Sometimes women get ahead of themselves on a date and end up losing the guy they’re with sometime after the appetizers arrive.
If you’re a successful woman who has everything going for you but hasn’t been able to land a date in months, it might be time to do some inner reflection. Here are some of the biggest mistakes women make that have their date running for the hills.
Here are 5 things women don’t realize they do that give men the ick:
1. Pursuing him too aggressively
The man should be the one mainly driving the beginning of the relationship — he should be the pursuer, not the woman. It’s in his primal nature to want to hunt and chase for his ‘prize.’
Don’t buy him drinks, bring him a gift, bake him a cake, or offer to drive on dates or pick him up somewhere if he’s been drinking. When a woman gives a lot in the beginning, it’s perceived by men as desperate and lowers your value. (Note to women with money who like to “spoil” their friends and men…. don’t!)
2. Grabbing the check
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Pulling out cash or a credit card, grabbing the check, or paying for anything for that matter within the first few dates gives off masculine energy and throws off the ‘natural’ balance of the male and female roles. Even if you make more money than him, for almost all men, grabbing your cash or insisting on paying for things is a turn-off and is emasculating. One YouGov poll found that 40% of men believe a man should pay on the first date.
After a few dates, you can lightly offer to pay the tip of the bill or get your drinks here and there or something small, and then later down the road the finances can be shared a bit more evenly; but in the first couple of dates, let him act as the “provider” that men more naturally are, or you’ll wind up reversing the roles and he’ll feel like he’s on a date with a man. Not very attractive.
3. Talking excessively about your exes and former relationships
Especially, never talk about your former partner mistreating you, cheating on you, or dumping you. People that you date learn how to treat you by the last relationship you describe — and few will treat you any better. Negative talk about your ex only makes you sound like a loser for dating them or putting up with them.
4. Talking excessively about your business, your degrees and credentials, accomplishments, and work
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This is turn-off city. Men do not want to compete in the bedroom like they do in the boardroom. All your work talk oozes masculine energy onto his plate.
Unless you want to be treated like a man and wonder why your men keep going MIA after the first date, you’d better learn how to slip into Ms. Feminine and leave the Businessman at the office. (Extra shout-out to female Attorneys and business owners — for some reason, they seem to have the hardest time with this). It’s fine to talk about what you’re passionate about and to seek out things in common, but excessive work talk isn’t the way to go.
5. Doing one, or all, of the following within the first five dates
- Cooking him dinner: Don’t whip out your apron right away, Ms. Cleaver. If cooking is your forte, that’s a great asset but make him work a little for it first. If you cook for him too soon, you’ll look like you’re too eager to please him. Men do like a woman who can cook though, one poll by the Potato Company confirms.
- Calling and texting him to chat, to tell him you miss him, or to tell him you’re thinking about him: As I tell my clients, give him some space to chase in the beginning. Let HIM be the one to call and text you and open up about his feelings toward you. But if you’re calling and texting him early on, he’ll think you may end up being the “clingy” type and are desperate for a boyfriend.
- Accepting a late-night date at his place, to ‘watch a movie’ or ‘hang out:’ This is a fast way to lower your value and fall into the “Replaceable” category
- Doing his laundry (Some of you may laugh… But this is much more common than you might think actually! Many women offer to do the man’s laundry that she’s dating, as a sort of attempt to prove their domesticity and “Wife material,” but it will only make him stamp you with “Doormat” instead.
Deanna Lorraine is a nationally recognized dating and relationship coach.
