Welcome back, dear friends. Last week, we explored the heart of setting empowered boundaries—how they reflect who you are and help you maintain integrity and well-being in your marriage. We talked about how boundaries are not walls to keep people out but gates that allow love and respect to flow freely. Today, we’re taking a deeper look into how to respond when your boundaries are met with resistance, whether subtle or direct, and how to honor both your commitment to God and the relationship, even in the face of discomfort.
Boundaries are acts of love and stewardship. They say, “I care enough about this relationship to protect what is healthy and reject what is harmful.” Yet, it’s common for women to feel conflicted when boundaries are misunderstood or labeled as selfish, unkind, or even unloving. Let’s address these challenges with practical examples and a biblical framework to help you stand firm while remaining compassionate.
When Your Boundaries Are Labeled “Selfish”
Pushback often comes in the form of subtle guilt-inducing comments. For example, your spouse might say, “I don’t understand why you need so much space. It feels like you’re being selfish.”
It’s easy to second-guess yourself in these moments, but it’s crucial to remember that setting boundaries is not selfish—it’s an act of love and accountability. A healthy boundary creates a space where you can show up fully, authentically, and with integrity.
Possible Response:
“I hear that this boundary feels uncomfortable for you, and I want you to know it’s not my intention to create distance. Taking time to process allows me to show up in this relationship with clarity and grace. I value us, and this helps me give my best.”
This response validates their feelings while reinforcing your commitment to what is necessary for your well-being and the relationship.
When You Need to Say “No” and Face Pushback
Sometimes, saying no is met with resistance, especially when the other person feels entitled to your time, energy, or resources. For example, if your spouse says, “You never help me when I need it,” it’s easy to feel guilt or doubt. But saying no when you need to is not rejection; it’s a way to protect what God has called you to steward, including your emotional and spiritual health.
Possible Response::
“I care about helping you, and I want to be fully present when I do. Saying no right now allows me to honor my commitments and make space to give my best later. Let’s find a time that works for both of us.”
This response demonstrates respect for your own limits while affirming your care for the relationship.
When Your Boundary Is Misunderstood
There may be times when your spouse says, “This doesn’t feel good to me. I don’t feel honored when you say no.” It’s natural to want to smooth things over, but compromising your boundary to avoid discomfort often leads to resentment or burnout. Instead, approach the conversation with both empathy and firmness.
Response Example:
“I understand this feels difficult for you, and my goal is not to hurt you. My intention is to create a healthier space for both of us to feel respected and valued. This boundary helps me protect my peace so I can show up with love and kindness.”
This response reinforces your boundary while extending understanding, showing that boundaries are about fostering health and respect.
Honoring Yourself While Honoring God
Here at Leslie Vernick & Co, we often teach and coach that loving well includes being honest and clear. Boundaries are an essential part of this honesty. They allow you to live with integrity and bring your best self to the relationship. By setting boundaries, you are not dishonoring your spouse; you are honoring the life God has entrusted to you and the values He calls you to uphold.
Boundaries are not easy, but they are necessary to create a marriage rooted in mutuality, freedom, love, and respect. They teach others how to engage with you in healthy ways, while also teaching you to remain accountable to your values and God’s truth. Living healthy boundaries will change your life!
If learning to honor yourself while loving and caring for others is a stretch for you, join us on December 5, 2024 for Change Your Story, Change Your Life! Moving from Breakdown to Breakthrough.
Jesus Himself set boundaries during His ministry, stepping away to rest and pray, even when the crowds demanded more from Him. He modeled that we can love others deeply while honoring our own well-being and purpose. As we hold firm to our boundaries, we can reflect His example by choosing both grace and truth.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” —Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)
“Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone.” —Colossians 4:6 (NLT)
In Part Three, we’ll explore how to maintain peace and strength when boundaries are continually tested and how to find support and wisdom in community and faith. Remember, boundaries are not about creating distance but about fostering a relationship where both partners have an opportunity to thrive and become who God calls them to be.
How do you handle moments when your boundaries are challenged or questioned? What helps you stay grounded and communicate with love and clarity?
