Welcome to December dear friends. As we close out 2024, let’s make it a December to Remember! Over the past couple of weeks, we’ve been walking through the challenging yet transformative journey of setting boundaries. We’ve talked about what boundaries are, how to communicate them with compassion, and how to navigate the initial resistance that often comes. Today, we’re leaning into one of the hardest parts of boundary work—what to do when someone repeatedly ignores your boundaries and shows no evidence of real change.
Boundaries are not about controlling someone else’s behavior—they are about defining who you are, what you will and will not tolerate, and what you take responsibility for. As Henry Cloud so wisely says, “Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me.” When you establish boundaries, you are clarifying what you value and protecting your God-given dignity and peace. But when someone consistently disregards those boundaries, it tells you something important—it reveals where they stand, and often, it’s not where you hoped they would be.
When boundaries are ignored repeatedly, they reveal the health of the relationship and the willingness of the other person to engage with respect and honesty. For example, if your boundary is, “I need honesty and transparency to feel safe in this relationship,” and they continue to lie, hide harmful behaviors like pornography use, or avoid accountability, their actions signal more than resistance—they reveal their unwillingness to honor what the relationship needs to thrive.
If your husband is unwilling to take responsibility for his behavior—whether it’s continued use of pornography, refusal to seek help, or avoiding accountability—it’s telling. It reveals a lack of willingness to own the problem or the effect it has on his relationship with God, himself, and you. This refusal isn’t just about ignoring a boundary; it’s about rejecting the opportunity for growth, healing, and connection. As our friend Lysa TerKeurst reminds us, “Boundaries are not about forgetting; they are about creating space for truth and trust to rebuild.”
Boundaries are not about fixing the other person. They are there to clarify what you will and will not allow. If your husband is unwilling to do his work, it becomes clear that the responsibility for change cannot be shared. In those moments, the boundary might need to shift. You could say something like, “If you choose not to work on this issue and take steps toward accountability, I will need to create emotional and physical space to protect myself. I want our relationship to grow, but I cannot do this work for you.”
This is not about punishment—it’s about honoring your well-being and living in alignment with God’s truth.
A key question to ask yourself when boundaries are repeatedly dismissed is this: Does this person truly want to change? Real change begins with ownership, not coercion. If they are unwilling to acknowledge the harm they’ve caused or take steps toward healing, their unwillingness speaks volumes. As Leslie Vernick wisely teaches, “You cannot force someone to change, but you can choose to live in integrity with who God has called you to be.”
When faced with ongoing resistance, it is time to have a clarifying conversation. You might say something like, “I was under the impression that you wanted to work on this—for yourself, for me, and for our marriage. The choices you’re making—continuing to use pornography, avoiding accountability, or refusing help—tell me otherwise. I need clarity about what you’re truly willing to do moving forward.” This opens the door for truth. Healthy people live in truth, even when it is hard to hear.
And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. John 8:32
If they are unwilling to change, your boundary may need to include consequences that protect your well-being. This could mean limiting interactions or seeking additional support to process what this means for your relationship. These steps aren’t about controlling them; they are about stewarding your emotional and spiritual health. Boundaries shift the focus from their behavior to your response, and that response needs to align with your values and what God has called you to do.
In relationships where trust has been broken, prioritizing safety is essential—not just physical safety, but emotional and spiritual safety as well. This is where principles from Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) can guide us. Originally developed for children who have experienced trauma, TBRI offers valuable insights for all relationships. One key principle is “creating felt safety.” In practice, this means communicating your boundaries in a way that is calm, clear, and consistent, even when the other person resists. I encourage you to daily practice the 3 C’s…Be calm, clear, and consistent.
For example, you might say, “This boundary is not about pushing you away. It’s about protecting the safety and respect that a healthy relationship requires. I want to work toward healing, but I need to see commitment and change for that to happen.”
Strong habits and clear boundaries keep us from slipping into survival mode, where reactive decisions replace proactive purpose and connection. As Henry Cloud says, “Boundaries aren’t just about keeping something bad out; they’re about defining what we will allow in.” When you remain grounded in your values and your commitment to God, you create space for clarity and strength—even in the face of repeated resistance.
Boundaries often reveal truths that are painful to face, but they also lead us closer to God. Trust that He sees your efforts and will guide you as you navigate this difficult season. He is your source of strength and clarity when the path feels unclear. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” —Psalm 34:18 (NLT)
I invite you to join our FREE WORKSHOP THIS THURSDAY, DECEMBER 5th 2024 if this series resonates with you. Together, we’ll explore practical tools and faith-based strategies to help you reclaim your voice and navigate the challenges of setting and upholding boundaries. I’d love for you to join us. Link HERE.
Reflection Question:
When someone repeatedly dismisses your boundaries, how do you find the courage to stay true to your values? What helps you discern the next steps in alignment with God’s will?
Boundaries are not easy, but they are essential acts of stewardship—over your well-being, your relationship with God, and the life He has entrusted to you. All relationships are healthier with boundaries. God is the creator of the first boundaries, they are not unbiblical. They began in the garden. Friends, I invite you to trust that He will guide you, even in the hardest moments, and please know that you are not alone. I am honored that you all have chosen to spend time in this space with me. We are stronger together. If you have found this helpful. Please share, comment, and let’s close 2024 in truth!
