What’s the number one thing men are craving for when it comes to relationships? Simple: a woman who’s confident, secure, and feminine. Men agree that a woman who — despite her beauty, good humor, kindness, and attractiveness — needs excessive reassurance is someone who quickly becomes an albatross.
These men, who are all incredibly smart, ambitious, talented, and handsome, are searching for a woman who loves herself so deeply that she never depends on validation from her partner to make her feel lovable, worthwhile, and attractive.
Here are four subtle signs of a person who blames everyone else for problems they’ve created:
1. They ask questions like, “Does this make me look fat?” “Why did you do/say)that?” or “Do you still love me?”
Men joke that these questions, which are commonly asked by women in relationships, are among the most annoying questions a woman can ask.
They call them a complete “turn-off” and lament over the fact that there are no answers to these questions that a woman finds acceptable. Stop asking. If their clothes are too tight, they know it. And unless the few pounds have turned into twenty, men all agree that they can’t tell if the cookies they ate last night made them, feel bloated.
Last, don’t ask a man if he loves you. EVER. Words and actions must match. If a man has told them he loves them but begins to pull away, there’s a better way to check in on his feelings toward them.
Asking “why” he did or said something makes him feel defensive and childlike. They aren’t his mother; they’re his lover.
2. They say things like, “Just hold me,” even though their man is affectionate, cuddles, and/or gives you attention
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Mat Boggs describes it perfectly when he states that men need short, attainable goals to feel successful. Men want to please women, so they need to feel like they’re a Knight in Shining Armor to keep on keepin’ on.
That said, when he does his best to give his partner attention, holds on to them while they watch Entourage or Monday Night Football, or reads his book nearby while they give themself a manicure, let him go away when he needs his space. If they’re constantly criticizing him and telling him it’s “not enough,” he’ll want to hide long-term. Research from The Gottman Institute states that criticism is a relationship killer.
Instead, settle into the time they have together, be present at the moment, and encourage him to go play Playstation or watch videos on YouTube when they’re done with their nails, the show is finished, or it’s halftime.
3. They’re jealous and weirded out when they see old pictures of him with other women
The truth is a man had an entire life before they met their partner. It included ex-lovers, ex-girlfriends, and an array of females who are still his friends. A person who’s threatened by these relationships, past and present, is at risk of turning off the man with whom they love.
Their man left those relationships for a reason, and if he consistently shows he loves his partner then they have no reason to fear the past. His friends, male and female, are simply not threats.
4. They relate to songs like, “My Life Would Suck Without You,” “No Air,” and “Lost Without Your Love”
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When someone loves themselves and has created an amazing life that’s interdependent with their partner’s life, they don’t think their life would suck without him. While they’d be appropriately heartbroken to lose an important relationship, they know in their heart that “they will survive,” and that even without him, their life is truly awesome.
They can then breathe when he’s no longer their boyfriend, and they won’t be lost without his love. When someone has a deep sense of self, confidence, a community of friends, a profession they find fulfilling, and self-love, their life never sucks. Ever. Having high self-esteem can even lead to lower stress levels and higher levels of happiness, according to research from 2023.
Marni Battista is a Los Angeles-based certified life coach, the founder of Dating with Dignity and The Institute for Living Courageously, and the author of dating advice for women.
