You look at your ex, and all you see are the games they’ve played since your divorce. They are a stranger in your eyes now, and you wonder what happened to the amazing person they were. You feel disgust for the wretch they’ve become.
You hear about their antics around town. They have moved on with their lives and are dating. They spend money on their new lover but can’t afford the kids’ soccer lessons.
Or they’ve become the perfect parent trying to win over your kids with trips and presents (while you barely get by on the measly child support they begrudgingly pay). Somewhere, deep inside of you, you believe they do all of this to hurt you.
Every interaction with your ex becomes a major battle or a hostile standoff. The sole entertainment in their life seems to be making your life terrible.
Here is the stupefying reason your ex turned into a complete monster after divorce:
What changed to turn them into a complete and total monster? The scary (but honest) answer is — you! Because you decided to label them that way. You choose to see them as a villain.
Or maybe the label you use is narcissist, sociopath, alcoholic, liar, or just a good old-fashioned scoundrel.
You label them a ‘monster’ because you believe it’s easier to think your ex is the worst person alive and reveal their faults — it gives you a false sense of control.
Look, your divorce turned your world upside down. You felt (or still feel) totally out of control and insecure about your future. Almost in a flash, your ex became public enemy number one. They are the person you most want to get away from. Divorce is like being shackled to your worst enemy for life, as suggested by a study in the Clinical Social Work Journal.
Constantly viewing your ex as the ‘monster’ reflects a diversion of your fears.
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Perhaps you fear being alone for the rest of your life. Maybe you’re scared of not having your children full-time (or worse, your kids might want to move in with your ex). You likely also dread the loss of income, freedom, and friends (even family) because of the divorce.
The bottom line is that you struggle to understand your world. You want to feel in control of your life again, and this is natural. The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology supports the idea that we all feel that way after a divorce.
You believe that making them wrong every time and in everything they do makes you right.
Although you may feel like you’re the first to experience this emotional roller coaster — you’re not. Hopefully, this will both comfort you and snap you back to reality.
While it’s OK to experience fear, anger, sadness, and rejection and project all of those emotions on your ex — and honestly, they likely do the same thing to you in return — viewing them as the perpetual evil villain isn’t healthy for you, your children, or your future, as shown by a study from the Institute for Research on Poverty.
It’s time to gain some perspective and regain control of your life!
Here are 4 shifts that help you see your ex as a human being again:
1. Let go of the labels.
The truth is, what they do or do not do is their business. Start referring to them by their name rather than “the ex” or any other arms-distance labels you’ve given them. They’re not a character in a movie. They’re in your and (if you have kids) your children’s lives.
2. Ask yourself if your thoughts are accurate and fair.
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People are supposed to move on after divorce (that’s the whole point). You may not like that they have a new partner, but they’re not “wrong” for moving on. Ask yourself if your perception is truthful or fair before you slam them for a decision or action. Would you want them to criticize you for the same thing?
3. Notice what they do right, not just what they do wrong.
Yes, they were late picking the kids up from school once, but they’re on time every other day (and you’ve picked them up late once or twice yourself). For everything you nit-pick, do you even notice when they do those things well?
4. Focus on what makes you feel good.
Stop focusing on them and pour that energy into yourself! Rediscover the missing pieces you lost during your marriage. When you focus on what you want (versus what you don’t), the magnificent person in you emerges, leaving no room to dwell on your ex.
Even if your ex is a grade-A scoundrel quite often, they cannot control you unless you allow them to. The Journal of Divorce & Remarriage recommends sending the monster away by setting healthy boundaries and learning to maintain them. Take your life back. Take your power back. Focus the best (and bulk) of your energy on your happiness.
Cindy Holbrook is a divorce coach, personal development coach, and speaker.
