Although there are potentially thousands of choices and decisions that can lead to the unraveling and undoing of marriage, I remember well the conversation that shattered my marriage. It was more of a threat statement than a conversation. At the time, my wife and I had been married for more than 20 years. Our children were mostly grown and beginning their independent lives.
We had two children on their own and one about to fly the nest. We had lived a pretty good and comfortable life. We lived a privileged and comfortable life in the sense that we lived an upper-middle-class life, lived in a few different parts of the U.S., made good money, had access to education and healthcare, etc.
I was raised in a blue-collar, working-class home, while my wife was raised in an average white-collar class home. My parents had a rocky, three-decade-long marriage that ended with infidelity. My wife’s parents’ marriage was also rocky, but they managed on for their children and out of principle.
My wife and I met while we were working through college. Neither one of us had scholarships or parental financing to get us through college, so it was a long and difficult process to work, start a family, and go to school. We managed through it, though.
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Being a wife and a mother is very demanding — as is being a husband and father. The difference is that the stressors are different.
I fathered, worked, and went to school to finish my degree. When I finished my degree, I went to work full-time and fathered. My wife mothered full-time after school. She was blessed to be with our children through every step of their growth, but it was a demanding responsibility.
She managed through much of the good and the bad of marriage and parenting but couldn’t find her bearings from time to time. I tried to be the supportive husband and father my father had never been to my mother, me, and my siblings. I fell short too often, but I never stopped trying.
I didn’t fully understand her internal struggles and battles. She didn’t talk about them, and she avoided discussing them when I tried to talk with her about them.
I suggested counseling, but she never really accepted or considered that option. It wasn’t until our conversation a few years later that I realized how far it had gone in her head.
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After two of our children moved out and were on their own, it came to a head.
One night, while we were settling down for the evening, she started to complain about this and that — things beyond our control, to be honest. She finally said, “I think we should get a divorce.”
I was dumbfounded and hurt. In all of our married years, we had never brought up divorce. We were committed to each other, or so I thought.
Until then, I believed we could work through anything together. Evidently not. I looked at her with utter disbelief and said, “Okay.” Immediately, her face changed from anger to surprise.
She stood there as stunned as I was. I was as surprised with my response as she was.
I simply said, “Okay,” in response to her declaration that we should get a divorce and end our decades-long marriage.
After she regained her composure, she told me I should move out. I responded that because she asked for the divorce she should move out while we worked the divorce out. She refused to move out but soon recanted her position on divorce and told me she still loved and adored me.
However, at that point, her words were hollow and had no meaning to me anymore. I still believed she loved and adored me, but something was missing or broken inside her. From then on, I doubled my efforts to try to ‘fix our marriage.’ Still, she was ‘hot then cold’ so much that I slowly began to feel the distance increasing between us, and I eventually surrendered to the growing reality that she had planted the seed of divorce in her head and heart long ago.
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A couple of years later, I discovered that she was having an affair, and that was the end of it all.
She had changed. She was distant yet angry. Bitter. I was the source and focus of much of her anger. She spent much of her time with our children blaming me and then ‘throwing me under the bus’ in front of them.
I have since learned that the state of your marriage is based more on what’s in the mind than the heart. It’s based on one’s perception, not reality.
She told me during our divorce that she still loved me. I, on the other hand, no longer loved her.
Her affair and betrayal destroyed and somehow purged all the love I had for her. There was no room in a committed marriage for affairs and affair partners. I didn’t ever want to be in a threesome relationship again.
Even today, I am surprised by how final and decisive an affair can be in eroding trust, love, and marriage.
I know some marriages can weather an affair, but not all. Ours couldn’t weather her affair.
Once my wife brought up divorce, all hope of commitment slipped away.
My suggestion to married couples is this: never bring up divorce unless you have tried everything and have given you all to save your marriage and family by honoring your vows and commitment to each other. If you do, you may not be able to recover what will be lost.
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Recovering from infidelity
If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and physical betrayal of your spouse, or you’re a child affected by parental infidelity, or even if you’re a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity — there is hope. Seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone, and recovery and healing are possible.
The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and Related Emotional Trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children negatively impacted by adultery, affairs, and infidelity.
