People often enter into marriage with fairy-tale beliefs about love — that it will always be happily ever after. It is a big lie. By their 40s and 50s, women appear to be less interested in buying into this lie. That may be why the number of people choosing to divorce after age 50 has more than doubled in the last few decades.
Fortunately, Generation X women appear to be going into divorce thoughtfully and refusing to buy into the second biggest “fairy tale” lie: That life after divorce will always be happily ever after. Instead, they approach the process thoughtfully and realistically … and with the maturity they’ve gained in their lives.
Three ways healthy, empowered make the right decision about divorcing during midlife
1. They fully grasp the consequences of breaking up
A study in Current Opinion in Psychology supports how one of the most life-changing decisions a woman can make is to leave her husband — especially when nearing retirement age. And while such things were virtually unheard of decades ago, today, doing so has become increasingly common — so common the phenomenon has a name: “gray divorce.”
I’m a divorce lawyer, and while I would never come out either for or against gray divorce, since every relationship is unique, it’s important to go into this decision with eyes wide open and really look hard at your reasoning. Make sure you’re not falling victim to a fantasy version of post-divorce life.
2. They take accountability for their role
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Before you get to my office, and before you even make an appointment to talk to a divorce lawyer, you should know this: if you realize love is a two-way street, even if you’ve been treated terribly, there are some things you’ve been doing that you need to take accountability for, as suggested by a study published in Psychological Bulletin.
First, realize love is messy and it’s never 50/50. Sometimes someone is pulling 80 percent of the weight and the other person is doing 20. In other weeks or even years, it’s flipped. If you know and expect that, it might help you look at some of the challenges you have in your relationship in a slightly different light.
3. They know what they can control — and what they cannot
You can’t control your partner, your spouse, or even your kids. But there is one thing you can control in a relationship: yourself. You can also control the choices you make. You can choose to listen. You can choose to learn and grow. You can learn about yourself and what makes you feel loved, and then learn to reciprocate it as well.
Those are things you can control. When you learn to release control and focus only on your own responses and thoughts, how you handle your own reactions to situations, and what’s important to you.
Releasing control gives you something to focus on, and it also helps you understand you’re in the middle of something that’s supposed to be messy, as supported by an article in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.
Before you hire a divorce lawyer and head into my office, just take a step back for a second and ask yourself:
- Do I have unrealistic expectations about how perfect this relationship is?
- Do I think a fight is a failure? If you do, just check yourself on that, because sometimes communications are muddied and fights happen, but it’s not the end of the world.
Remember: relationships are never, ever perfect and the balance is never 50/50 every day.
Holly R. Davis is an accomplished and nationally recognized family law trial attorney with over ten years of experience. A founding partner of Kirker Davis LLP, her legal practice focuses on high-asset divorce, business and professional divorce, custody matters, and complex litigation.
