Some moments in life feel as if you’re trudging through a storm, trying to get to the other side. Whether it’s personal matters, work expectations, or dealing with the state of the world and all of the uncertainty that it can bring, it’s easy to feel powerless and downright overwhelmed. Fortunately, there are ways to keep your calm and find your circle.
During a conversation on Andrea Miller’s Getting Open podcast, neurophysiologist and best-selling author Dr. Rick Hanson, Ph.D., opened up about some of the steps individuals can take when they’re starting to feel overwhelmed. With the holidays coming up, these strategies can be especially helpful.
Five steps that can keep you calm when it feels like everything’s going bad
1. Deal with the bad.
“If you are upset, you are upset. If Uncle Bob is guaranteed to start raging politically, especially after a few beers, maybe don’t sit next to him Uncle Bob or you make sure you have transportation set up to leave early,” Dr. Hanson encouraged.
He emphasized that it’s often important to face these bad situations head-on and deal with them in whatever way suits you. Sometimes this can mean stepping back from that certain situation or person, reducing contact, or even checking in with yourself so you can deal with it.
2. Turn to the good.
“Even as Uncle Bob is ranting away, you can notice that the food you’re chewing tastes good,” Dr. Hanson continued. “You look around the room … inside yourself, you know that his rants are just not affecting your fundamental being. They’re a mild annoyance and aggravation that’ll probably be over in a handful of minutes.”
These moments that can feel like torture, especially with family members that can take you out of your calm headspace, won’t last forever. You can’t let people steal your joy or drain your energy, and it’s best to remember that at some point, you get to go home and you won’t have to deal with being in a situation that is actively not serving you.
“The negativity bias is trying to control you. I’ve been a therapist a long time, it’s made me more compassionate and also blunter, and tougher,” Dr. Hanson shared. “Bottom line, who is the boss of your own mind.”
3. Grow the positive inside of you.
“I’m talking about emotional memory, positive neuroplasticity. Filling yourself up from the inside out,” Dr. Hanson advised. “Anytime you do that will not usually change your life, but occasionally there are these life-changing moments.”
Dr. Hanson observed that most people are fairly competent externally, but are incompetent internally. “Inner competence is vastly more influential about your success, your income, the person you end up staying with, how happy you are, your health, your longevity, and inner competence comes from growing the good inside.”
He insisted that it’s important to spend more than a minute a day deliberately developing themselves, which isn’t the case for a majority of individuals. He encouraged people to really spend a good amount of time each day with themselves and take in the good because it will truly have an amazing impact on their growth.
“I guarantee if people do it, it’ll change their day because they’ll be looking for the good,” he added. “If they do a few minutes a day and a few days in a row, they’re gonna feel different.”
4. Show up with an open heart, curiosity, and empathy.
“How often, whether it’s an Uncle Bob or maybe somebody at work … any number of places, where it’s like, ‘I’m kinda dreading this thing,’ and somehow there will be this moment of grace and my heart will open,” Andrea Miller shared. “Suddenly, that person is not an enemy and I’ve got compassion.”
Miller insisted that she’s a passionate advocate when it’s possible, showing up with an open heart and empathy for what someone else might be going through or experiencing because you never know how much that can make a difference. By doing this, it can change how the Uncle Bob in your life regards you.
However, Miller added that it shouldn’t be a sign to become a doormat for people to walk all over you, but in her experience the vast majority who are difficult to be around, there’s sometimes an opportunity to “disarm that situation by how we show up.”
5. Prioritize your inner peace.
Even when external factors feel chaotic—whether you’re sitting at the dinner table with Uncle Bob, listening to his concerning rants about world events, or navigating another challenging situation—it’s important to remember that everything that makes you who you are, including your core values, identity, and morals, doesn’t have to be jeopardized.
Similar to turning to the good, someone else’s negativity shouldn’t deplete your peace or state of mind. It’s not to say that being in this situation with people that you don’t necessarily agree with isn’t uncomfortable or overwhelming, because it is, but at the end of the day, your inner peace should be more important to maintain by whatever means necessary.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
