As you grow up, you get used to the holidays being a certain way. You’re with your family, and you’re participating in the special traditions that you have — just the way you like them.
When you get older and are in a relationship, though, everything changes. Suddenly, there’s a new person and their family to factor into your plans. This can be extremely difficult to get used to.
It gets even more difficult once you’re married.
A wife shared just how hard ‘married holidays’ can be, especially for newlyweds.
A woman named Polly, known as @pollyaroundtown on TikTok, shared her experience as a married woman around the holidays in a video.
“No one talks about how hard married holidays are,” Polly said. “This will be my first Christmas in 30 years that I won’t be with my parents.”
“My dad turns 70 in a few days, and my mom is 71,” she explained. “My nephew just turned three, and all I want to do is spend Christmas with my husband and my family this year.”
The wife asked if other married people felt similarly or if she was alone in the holiday struggle.
Polly went on to describe exactly how she would spend Christmas if she was with her family.
“I want to see my nephew’s excitement when he opens his gifts from us on Christmas morning,” she said. “I want to help my dad make blueberry pancakes and later take a Christmas evening walk with my mom to see all of the neighbors’ lights.”
“Does anyone else feel this way?” she asked.
It turned out that a lot of people could relate, as evidenced by the comments section.
“Truly nothing worse than being a guest at the holidays when you want to be super comfortable like you are with your own family,” one person stated.
“The worst,” someone else confirmed. “Our first Christmas married, we spent it with his family and I cried the whole month of December … never around him though ‘cause I’d never want him to feel guilty.”
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Another person tried to offer some encouragement to Polly. “These firsts are so hard — your feelings are valid,” they said. “I will say, 12 years in, I’m so grateful for the relationships I have with my husband’s family. You are doubling your support system! Invest in them.”
Others had advice to share about how to spend the holidays.
“Go with your family,” one person suggested. “He goes with his. That’s okay too.”
It really can be hard to figure out how to split up holidays once you’re married, but there are options.
As Sarah Hanlon said when writing for The Knot, “Deciding who to visit on your favorite holidays can be tricky. In a perfect world, you’d see all of your loved ones on every holiday — but that’s not always feasible.”
Similarly, writing for Brides, Jaimie Mackey pointed out, “Nothing can make that honeymoon phase end faster than figuring out how you’ll split time for the holidays.”
It’s a challenge deciding whose family is going to “win” each holiday or if you’ll even spend the holidays with family at all.
Mackey recommended either trying to split the time you spend with each partner’s family evenly, or to alternate which year you spend with which family.
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However, Mackey and several TikTok commenters also noted that you can start your own traditions as a new family. “Figure out a plan that works for you and is sustainable, then get into the habit of following it every year,” she wrote. “Then, once you’ve got little ones of your own, the grandparents will already know what to expect.”
Other options, according to Hanlon, include playing host to both sides of the family at your home or seeing those you can’t be with in-person virtually.
While determining how to spend the holidays as a married couple can be difficult, it isn’t meant to be an extra stressor. Making a plan ahead of time and doing what truly feels best for you is essential.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
